The Ten Worst Movies of 2011...In Advance
2011 is barely out of the oven and I'm already filled with dread. Could it be the fact I've spent the entire year so far coughing up chunks of green lung tissue? That I've finally despaired of ever finding a writing gig that doesn't involve "Lady Gaga sex tape" Google alerts? Or that we never got to say a proper farewell to Simon Cowell?
Oh, don't act surprised.
Or is it that I know it's as inevitable as a Philadelphia Eagles collapse in the playoffs that the coming year will once again bring a slew of terrible movies. Sure, they'll gross hundreds of millions of dollars thanks to people convinced they need to spend $14 a ticket to watch a robot turn into a car in 3-D IMAX, but in the meantime you're the one who just spent good beer money for a 90-minute lobotomy.
Will there be a few niblets of quality scattered among the cinematic offal? Probably. But that's not what I'm here for. Having reviewed movies for...several years, I have a keen ability to separate the bad movies from the good. Call it a "sixth sense," though more like ESP and not at all like that Bruce Willis movie I totally saw the twist to ten minutes into, but which my wife will claim I didn't get until we were walking out to the parking lot.
Here then are your preemptive worst movies of 2011. You're welcome.
Cars 2 -- June 24
The first Cars was easily Pixar's weakest film (and yes, I remember A Bug's Life), thanks to a lame plot, overabundance of fart jokes, and Larry the Cable Guy. This time around, Lightning McQueen and Mater travel overseas for a "James Bond style" adventure. Maybe Mater will opine about how stinky and cowardly the French are.
Transformers: Dark of the Moon -- July 1
No Megan Fox (replaced by Victoria's Secret model Rosie Huntington-Whiteley) means more Shia LaBeouf cowering in a doorway while giant robots whale on each other. Michael Bay's transformation into solid gold Homer is almost complete.
Justin Bieber: Never Say Never -- February 11
When I first heard the title, I assumed it was a remake of "unofficial" 007 movie Never Say Never Again (itself a remake, of sorts, of Thunderball). Bad as that sounded, this will be infinitely worse.