The Year In Battlefight: 25 Thoughts On This Year's Houston Texans

Categories: Football, Sports
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At least the Texans cheerleaders are worth watching
For some reason, there were many people out there who thought the Houston Texans were going to be a good team this year. Playoff good.

I didn't read anything about Gary Kubiak getting a brain implant during the off-season, so I could never understand where this optimism was coming from. Yet it was there. But now as the season comes to a close, things are looking just like every year in Texans history. A mediocre team getting ready to pack its bags and go home as the playoffs get started.

So it's in that spirit that we look back and offer up some thoughts on the Texans of 2010.

1. Hey, hey, ho, ho, Kubiak has got to go. Yet reading/listening to the Pravda/Fox News-types propaganda organs of the Texans -- the Houston Chronicle and 610 -- it's quite clear that the Kubes will be back for another season.

2. Bob McNair doesn't get it. Dear Bob: of course the other owners are impressed with the team and with the way they battlefight every game. That's because they're generally guaranteed a win every week, and as long as the sheep keep selling out the stadium and buying items with the Texans logo, then the whole league is making money. Why would they want you to change that?

3. And keeping the Kubes on as head coach because you're going to lock out the players and want to ensure continuity when the 2011 season finally kicks is one of the stupidest things I've ever heard in the world. Continuity means another year of a mediocre product that will find more stupid ways to lose while coming close to making the playoffs. Maybe.

4. I don't know, but I think that maybe Rick Smith should have paid Dunta Robinson the money he wanted.

5. And how about that Kareem Jackson, huh? I think it's safe to say that the Texans have blown just about every first round draft pick in team history. Well, except for Andre Johnson that is.

6. I don't know what I enjoyed more, Brian Cushing's O.J. Simpson-esque search for an excuse to explain away his steroid problem, or Fox NFL reporter's Jay Glazer's Twitter breakdown over Cushing getting caught.

7. It's kind of funny because Glazer completely shut up about the matter when Cushing settled on that stupid Overtrained Athlete Syndrome because, you see, Glazer, breaking the reporter/subject wall, had been training Cushing during the off-season.

8. Then again, this has been a fun season. Fun that is if you like wondering how a team is going to, week after week, snatch defeat out of the jaws of victory.

9. Hey, Bob. If you do bring Kubiak back next season, can you send him to a school where they teach clock management? He hasn't been able to figure it out on his own in five years, so maybe you need to get him some help.

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Epic fail
10. And while you're at it, maybe you ought to get someone who can teach Kubes about strategic thinking and planning. Seriously, I can't be the only one who's tired of him having to call a timeout because he didn't anticipate the team having a fourth-and-one after coming up short on his genius third-down play.

11. At least the Texans actually found a way to get a victory over the Colts and Titans this year.

12. But they still can't beat the Jaguars.

13. You know, at some point you've got to figure that it's not the defensive coordinator, it's the moron responsible for getting the players.

14. But hey, maybe Matt Schaub will be the Pro Bowl MVP again.

15. The Texans, according to the Monday Night Football crew, felt it was of vital importance that fullback Vonta Leach get to the beach (the Pro Bowl). I would prefer they spend their time on trying to get him into the playoffs instead.

16. Can we finally put to the rest the myth of Super Mario?

17. Here's what I'm confused about: how did the Texans fuck up and get Arian Foster?

18. I'm still amazed that people who didn't have tickets to the game were pissed off that they could no longer tailgate in the parking lot. Not only that, I'm amazed that there were people stupid enough to just show up and hang out in the parking lot before, during and after the game.

19. I don't know about you, but I think that it would be better for everybody involved if the Texans would finally quit on Kubiak. Then, finally, McNair might put all of us out of our misery.

20. Hey, at least we can't blame Chris/Kris Brown for keeping the team out of the playoffs this year.

21. I think this is my favorite Texans stat of all: the Texans have been 5-7 after 12 games for four straight seasons. At least they're consistent. Consistently mediocre.

22. Does anybody remember when Steve Slaton and Jacoby Jones were the future of the team?

23. Dear Denver Broncos fans, if you want Gary Kubiak so bad, you're welcome to him.

24. Hey Mr. McNair, if you were smart, you would call either Bill Parcells, Jon Gruden, or Marty Schottenheimer when the season ends, and you would ask them to please come save your football team. However, I'm afraid that you would call this guy instead. 

25. On the bright side, this makes for nine straight years that Texans fans don't have to worry about the team choking away a huge lead in a playoff game.



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