Rex Ryan Has A Foot Fetish
I have to admit, the information age in which we live has been largely a positive thing for me. In a line of business where you are constantly needing to generate new content -- particularly sophomoric, mindless content -- the internet, blogs, and the completely extinct margin for error we all have in keeping our personal lives private is fine with me.
Not a team distraction at all
(And as I type that, I am literally scrolling through all of the photos on my iPhone just to make sure that it is fine with me.)
I keep waiting for something to be released on Deadspin or tweeted by a celebrity that crosses over the "infotainment" line, where I'm actually so repulsed or creeped out by it that it's uncomfortable to even write about.
With all apologies to Greg Oden's monstrosity of a penis, the Rex and Michelle Ryan foot fetish videos have now come closest to crossing that line. That said, allow me to share my thoughts.
If you don't know what it is I'm referring to, here's the thumbnail (toenail?) sketch:
Apparently, over the last several years, New York Jets coach Rex Ryan's wife Michelle has been posting foot fetish video on a foot fetish website under the name "ihaveprettyfeet", or to be more politically correct, a woman who sure does share many of the same characteristics (little things like hometown, zodiac sign, and...well, looking exactly like her) as Michelle Ryan has been posting these videos.
Around the same time Rex got the call to coach on the biggest stage in the free world (New York City, concrete jungle where dreams are made of and foot fetish videos are apparently frowned upon), "ihaveprettyfeet" stopped posting new episodes of her hit series, much to the chagrin of podiatrical (is that a word?) freaks everywhere.
The videos lived archived in the unseemly underworld of the internet until they were discovered by someone who was both a Jets fan and a Deadspin reader (and possibly a foot lover), and the videos wound up on Deadspin.
I didn't watch all of them, in fact I only watched the very first one because that's the one with the "smoking gun" that perhaps Rex Ryan is into a little of the sketchy stuff, too -- a dead ringer for Ryan's voice as the cameraman asking pertinent questions like "Can I smell your feet?"
My quick hit thoughts on the latest instance of the curtain being yanked back on a sports figure's private life:
1. For each post that I generate on "Hair Balls," I have to check off the categories in which this post qualifies. I've never felt stranger checking off a box as a "football" post, on many levels.
2. Rex Ryan has the "fake porn cop rolling up on random person from first person point of view" vibe down pat. Dude has watched some porn in his day, that's obvious.
3. I wonder how much more enthralled Rex would have been with Michelle's feet if they were slathered in barbecue sauce.
4. Does this immediately open up the topic of what other underground debauchery other NFL coaches might be into? Do we really want to know what goes on in Tom Cable's bedroom, or what types of forums Andy Reid surfs? Is Gary Kubiak going to wind up on a missionary position page? Does this latest development make us exceedingly happy that Brad Childress is out of the league?
5. Text message from Rob Ryan to Rex Ryan: "Fuck, thanks a lot, bro! Guess I'll budget another year on a coordinator's salary! WTF man!"
6. How soon until we have a sitcom where the main characters are Brett Favre's dong and Michelle Ryan's feet and they're in a love triangle with Brett's Crocs? Could happen, never know.
Listen to Sean Pendergast on 1560 The Game from 3-7 p.m. weekdays on the "Sean & John Show" and follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/SeanCablinasian.