NFL & College Football -- Weekend's Best Bets (with Tales of Deceit, Adultery and Ron Artest)

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We see....FAIL in Ron Artest's future
Drayton McLane apparently has plans to sell the Astros. This comes as no surprise, those rumors have been swirling for some time. Now I don't know if he'll get his $800 million asking price, but I did call Drayton and make an offer and we now know that $912, a Billy Joel box set, and my old Sega Genesis will not get the deal done.

Hey, I tried. I need more money. And weeks like last week's 2-4 debacle will not get it done.

The only way to wrest control of the Astros from the iron hands of Uncle Drayton is to get there the old fashioned way -- picking football games a helluva lot better than I did last week. So LESH GO, $800 million, here we come!

HAWAII -29.5 over San Jose State

I'm not sure if you've seen what the Western Athletic Conference is going to look like next season, but it's equal parts hilarious and athletically tragic -- Hawaii, Louisiana Tech, Idaho, New Mexico State, Utah State, and San Jose State. (They also announced the additions of UT-SA, Texas State and Denver earlier this month.) Well, it looks like you can scratch Hawaii off the list, as they appear to have a handshake agreement to join the Mountain West Conference as a "football only" member. So if you're keeping track, not only do the "left behind" members of the WAC lose out on a luau every other year, but they're also now part of a conference that would have a tough time competing in Texas Class 5A, let alone lobby for a BCS slot. I'm not being sarcastic when I ask, who is the favorite in a Boise-less, Nevada-less, Fresno-less, Hawaii-less WAC? I can't name one player from any of these schools. And I don't mean this season, I mean, like, EVER.

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Wrigley Field: We dare you to think of anything that could go wrong
Northwestern +7.5 over Illinois

So the good news is that everyone involved with the Northwestern-Illinois game at Wrigley Field this weekend came to their senses and realized that playing a football game with one end zone roughly one Oden (code for "fifteen inches") away from a brick wall might result in a whole lot of families of soon-to-be-debilitated football players getting settlement checks. The bad news is that the solution is to have the offense for both teams play going toward the same end zone -- yes, a little bit like you used to do in the sandlot because none of you nor your friends had a big enough yard to go a full hundred yards. I haven't spoken to anyone with the Big Ten, but I am bracing myself for the following changes to the game between now and kickoff:

1. All defensive linemen must count to 5-Mississippi before rushing the quarterback.
2. Northwestern quarterback Evan Watkins will be all-time quarterback.
3. Kickoffs will actually be throws from the 30-yard line.
4. One "do over" per half.
5. Windbreakers and sweatshirts will be used as touchdown pylons.
6. If one of the team's mothers yells that dinner is ready during the game, it's an automatic forfeit for that team.

Nice solution, Big Ten. Actually, the problem isn't the solution. The problem is the decision to play at Wrigley in the first place. Congrats to everyone who paid $75 for a ticket at the end of the stadium where exactly zero offensive touchdowns will be scored. Nicely done.

Tennessee -9 over VANDERBILT

Tennessee is the classic "it's always something with you guys" school these last couple years. Suffice to say, as long as Lane Kiffin is on your payroll, there will always be "something" with your school, but now that Kiffin is gone and the football program seems to have turned a corner, now comes the SEC laying the smackdown on Bruce Pearl for eight games to start the SEC season as punishment for his overactive texting and phoning fingers (and for lying about it to the NCAA). The fun thing will be to see if a pub addict like Pearl can keep himself off of television during his suspension because the dude runs to the red light on the front of the camera like Tiger Woods runs to a Perkins. I'm thinking he may need to be locked in a room with a carton of cigarettes and a counselor checking on him every 30 minutes. You suck, Pearl.

Ravens -10.5 over PANTHERS

This past offseason, the Panthers made a statement that they weren't very happy with the direction of the quarterback position on their team by drafting not one, but two quarterbacks (Jimmy Clausen and Tony Pike). The starting job has been juggled back and forth all year between Matt Moore and Clausen (and not very well, might I add), so with both injured this week and with the team going nowhere, you would think it's time to see what they have in Pike, right?

Well, not exactly. Panthers coach John Fox, in what appears to be the most spectacular attempt to get one's self fired without banging your boss's daughter, has decided to start Brain St. Pierre at quarterback. Why is this funny? Well, because until about three days ago, St. Pierre (who does have some experience putting on an NFL uniform -- and that's about it) was a stay-at-home dad. So in a matter of about 72 hours, St. Pierre is going from emptying out those nasty diaper disposal units and running a Swiffer mop in the kitchen, to wondering how he will keep from Ray Lewis decapitating him this Sunday. Is this even a good thing for St. Pierre? This feels less like "another chance at the NFL and more like that scene in Outbreak where the Army men come and take that infected mother away from her husband and children so that she can be quarantined to die within the next 24 hours. I'll lay the points and take the team whose starting quarterback was...you know...actually a starting NFL quarterback just a week ago.

EAGLES -3 over Giants

Not sure how this story flew under the radar all week, but CBS Sports did an interview with Lakers forward/nut job Ron Artest where he indicated that after his NBA playing days are over (His current contract runs through 2014; he's 31 years old.), he would like to give it a shot playing in the NFL. For the record, I found it laughable that at age 35 and having never played football presumably past his teenage years (or earlier, if ever), that Artest would be able to make it in the NFL, especially when you consider how a physical specimen like Brock Lesnar, at about a decade younger with a background in hand-to-hand combat sports, became a punchline in about two weeks time when he tried out for the Vikings, but my co-host John Harris was of opposite mindset. He liked the idea. We'll never know, since it probably won't ever happen, but in the meantime, I decided to pick the NFL game that Artest would best fit into this weekend.

So on this, the sixth anniversary of this....

I chose Giants at Eagles, because of video footage like this....

On second thought, maybe Harris is right. Artest in the NFC East (preferably as a Cowboy or Redskin so he'd have to travel to Philly AND New York) needs to happen.

SAINTS -11 over Seahawks

Let's switch over to a less violent but probably more deplorable topic for our final game of the week -- adultery. Tony Parker is a scumbag. Fact. I don't know all of the details as to what led up to Eva Longoria unearthing the mountain of sext that was exchanged between Tony Parker and former teammate Brent Barry's wife, Eva, but this I do know -- if you cheat on your wife, you're a shithead. If you cheat on your wife with a married woman, you're an uber-shithead. And if you cheat on your wife with a married woman who happens to be the wife of one of your teammates, you're a deluxe, supersized, uber-shithead. And you're probably French.

Hard to believe, Tony Parker would have a moment that squashes this one in the Embarrassment Pantheon, but he pulled it off....

Two observations (beside the obvious -- WHY?), both wig-related:

1. Eva Longoria is HOT as a blonde. And the fact of the matter is she would be hot with a green wig, an olive wig, a wig made of puke, or completely bald. Eva Longoria is hot. On this there can be no debate.

2. Somewhere the real Danny Zuko (played by Vincent Vega) is throwing a beer and cigarette at his computer screen going "What the fuck is that on Parker's head?" Seriously, that wig on Parker has more of a "Silvio Dante after just waking up" vibe than a Zuko vibe.

(And thus ends the wig section of this week's post. Tune back in next week when we discuss Tom Sizemore's wig in the Pete Rose movie on ESPN with our panel -- Marv Albert, Karl Ravech, and Ted Danson.)

Oh and if you're wondering why I gave out a pick on a Saints game to provide the lubricant for the Parker-Longoria-Barry story, go google "Willie Roaf Joe Horn." Next.

Last Week: 2-4
Season Record: 35-24-1

Listen to Sean Pendergast on 1560 The Game from 3-7 p.m. weekdays on the "Sean & John Show" and follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/SeanCablinasian.


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