Let's All Go To The Movies
And Get Ourselves Annoyed

Categories: Pop Rocks

I don't listen to a lot of podcasts because, well, they're long and usually unpleasant. However, I did check out one linked on IMDb the other day -- The Battleship Pretension -- because the topic was one near to my heart: Why Going to the Movies Sucks.

Honestly, the subject of shitty moviegoing experiences occupies about half the 70-minute recording, because...how much is there left to say about it? We've come so self-absorbed as a population we honestly don't seem to grasp that we're not supposed to dick around on a glowing smartphone in a darkened theater. These days, nobody can sit still to watch a 30-minute sitcom, much less a two+ hour movie with lots of endless talking and plot...Jesus, I'm boring myself. What's on Twitter?

The BP guys have broken down theater annoyances into the usual biggies, which I will attempt to counter with better examples.

5. What's Bad? Talking/Texting On Phones
Honestly, we're so pathologically unable to pry ourselves away from our precious electronics I barely notice this anymore, and even then only when it's in my direct line of sight.

What's Worse? Opening Candy
Everyone can hear the deafening crinkling and crackling as you attempt to slowly open your bag of Twizzlers, under the mistaken assumption that if you do it slowly it won't make as much noise. Just tear the damn thing open already and be done with it. We can't hate you any more than we already do.

4. What's Bad? Talking In General
It's a direct outgrowth of the ubiquitous tendency we all have to yammer incessantly while watching TV or movies at home. Aggravating, yes, but the sooner we all accept the fact that in ten years movie theaters will be like piano bars -- with audiences constantly chattering over the entertainment -- the happier we'll all be.

What's Worse? B.O.
I could never pinpoint which glandular agoraphobic sitting near me during Avatar hadn't bathed/done laundry in a week, but by movie's end I'd convinced myself Pandora smelled like rancid cheese and feet.

3. What's Bad? Babies
I have twins under the age of two and a six-year old. My entire house operates on a decibel level somewhat approximating that of a Harrier jump jet at takeoff. I don't even hear babies at the movies.

What's Worse? Babies In Horror Movies
Here's a tip:if you can't afford a babysitter, or one cancels at the last minute the night of your movie date...you don't get to go. End of story. Maybe next time you'll consider that before breeding and subjecting your offspring (and us) to a 10 PM screening of The Texas Chain Saw Massacre.

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