If Gary Kubiak Had Been Around In Key Historical Moments

Categories: Football, Sports
Houston Texans' coach Gary Kubiak is the genius who piloted the team to a big win over the Indianapolis Colts early this year via a punishing running game. He's also the idiot, fans are saying, who piloted the team to a crushing loss against the Colts Monday by trying to throw the ball constantly. We, for one, applaud Kubiak, and can only imagine what he would do in other key jobs.

5. As a German Army aide in the Polish invasion
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German General Walther Von Bauchitsch reads the initial battle reports at Wehrmacht HQ. Things are going very, very well. "The Poles are using cavalry against our tanks!! Wunderbar!!" he cries. "General," Kubiak says, "they're gonna be making adjustments to those tanks. Maybe feeding their horses some different oats, maybe not riding directly into the line of fire in a 'Death or Glory' frenzy. This is where you gotta switch up. I suggest we put away the tanks and use horses too."

4. As Garth Brooks' agent
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3. In Jonas Salk's laboratory, 1954
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"Look, Salkie, you're a great kid, you've been working hard, but it's my job to put you in the best position to be a winning scientist. And that's not going to be with this whole "polio vaccine" thing, I don't care how close you think you are to discovering it. Three words: Power Balance bracelets. The silicone keeps people from falling over! Now that's science."

2. In Hollywood
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"It's easy with 20-20 hindsight to say we shouldn't have abandoned the whole 'transform into incredibly awesome machines' philosophy, but I thought we needed more of a Jane Austen touch there, and then balance that with some Bronte-type stuff to the outside. Obviously it didn't work, and that's on me."

1. In politics
WASHINGTON (AP) -- Gary Kubiak, the head of the Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee, announced his resignation today.

"You know, you can always go back and look at things you might have done differently," he told reporters. "It's easy to say maybe we shouldn't have run on the slogan 'Taxing You Dry.' That one's on me."

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