Chilean Miners: The Important News You Have Missed, Some Of Which Involves Lindsay Lohan
We get all that. But now that you're on the surface, you of course will be logging on to the net to get the latest news.
So a round-up of all the important news that has dominated the web since you've been away is vital. The top five crucial things you've missed:
5. A guy with a cigar watched Tiger Woods play golf
Well, maybe you had to be there.
4. Lindsay Lohan is back in rehab/jail
We're not sure where the Lohan saga was when disaster struck you, but since then she has been in jail or in rehab or setting off her ankle monitor with regularity. You really haven't missed much, in terms of anything "new" per se, but you have missed each episode of the same thing happening over and over.
3. Courteney Cox and David Arquette split up
We know, we know -- you have suffered enough tragedy already. You don't need your hearts and your inner strength tested even more. But the truth must be faced. Yes, she was very good in Friends.
2. Brett Favre sent photos of his dick to Jenn Sterger!!
This was HUGE. The story, we mean, not the actual dick. It turns out that -- Who's Brett Favre? Come on, he's the quarterback of the Minnesota Vikings!! Football. No, American football. No, we don't know how Unversidad de Chile, whoever the hell they are, did. But Brett Favre is just about the greatest -- no, F-A-V-R-E. It's tricky, we know. And no, we can't really explain what a Jenn Sterger is.
1. People still don't really care much about Chile
The spotlight burns bright on your native land now, with 1,000 reporters filling up air time and stories with their Wikipedia-researched tidbits on your plucky, impoverished country. Don't get used to it.