Five Reasons Labor Day Means Next To Nothing In Texas

Categories: Spaced City

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Enjoy your Labor Day, pinkos
​Labor Day weekend is almost upon us -- we can see you glancing at the clock, you know -- and lots of celebrations and events are planned.

It's great to have a long weekend, but whoever made Labor Day didn't have Texas in mind. Five reasons why:

1. It sounds vaguely communistic.
We don't cotton to such things. Why don't you just celebrate your May Day and be done with it? It also has echoes of "organized labor," and that phrase brings shudders to every self-respecting Texas businessman. If God had intended for labor to organize, He wouldn't have invented Texas businessmen.

2. School's already started.
We start in mid-August here, due to the "Use More A/C Act" of 1975. Public utilities convinced everyone that education would improve greatly if electricity bills were higher.

3. Summer's not over.
On the other hand, even if the Texas school year started in mid-October, they'd still be blasting the a/c. We get it, northerners: By the time Labor Day rolls around, the nights are getting a little chill to them and a melancholy feeling has begun to count down the last few remaining days of summer. Here in God's Country, we'll still be hitting highs of 94 for another month or so.

4. If we wanted to celebrate a September holiday, it would be on the 24th.
Why? Of course you don't know why. You don't live near the Texas Gulf Coast. If we can get to the 24th without a hurricane, we are good and clear for the rest of the year. That's something to celebrate, unlike your nice little "workmen's holiday."

5. We grill all the time here.
Up north, Labor Day is the last great chance to barbecue before the grill is put into storage. Wimps. Here we grill all year long. There may be a couple of winter days when you'd rather not go outside, but even then you can man up and throw on a jacket. Think of all the carcinogens you're missing, Yankees!!


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