Judge Sam Kent: His Five Other Complaints About Prison
|Sam Kent wants quieter rape victims|
Among his complaints: a "filthy" cell kept at 60 degrees, being given only a single sheet, and not being able to talk to his wife often enough. Oh, and being kept awake much of one night because of the screams of an inmate being violently raped in the next cell.
All those were contained in a motion to have his sentencing overturned; we've since possibly learned that he filed an addendum addressing a few other issues with his confinement. (As with the original filing, the former judge's lawyers refer to him as "Sam Kent" throughout the document.)
1. Far too few secretaries to drunkenly grope
"Sam Kent entered a guilty plea based on the fact he would plead guilty only to obstruction of justice in a sexual-harassment case, not to sexual harassment itself. It was Sam Kent's belief that inmates convicted of obstruction of justice would be provided intimidated, frightened secretaries whom he could feel up after coming back from a liquid lunch. Sam Kent has been very disappointed to find this is not true."
2. Rape victims CAN be quieter, dammit
"While Sam Kent was drunkenly groping his secretaries, they never screamed. Sam Kent believes this is because, like most women, they really mean 'yes' when they say "Please, judge, no...really, no' or words to that effect. No screaming involved. It is Sam Kent's belief that inmates being violently raped in the next cell should just shut up and take it."
3. Inmates should be treated with respect, like litigants
"While Sam Kent was on the bench, he treated all before him with the utmost respect. (The many, many articles that say otherwise, like "Bullying From the Bench," all mistake lighthearted jocularity for petty, preening, egomaniacal humiliation of already cowed attorneys.) Since Sam Kent never, ever went out of his way to abuse his position of power, he sees no reason why prison guards can't give him two sheets for his bed. (Minimum 750-thread count, may it please the court.)"
4. The food
"Frankly, Sam Kent thinks it sucks. Sam Kent would be willing to provide, at no cost, the recipes for several of the items at Gaido's."
5. Not to beat a dead horse, but the lack of gropeable women
"Judge Sam Kent realizes he has mentioned this issue previously in the document, but Sam Kent knows that judges' eyes often glaze over as they quickly skim petitions from federal prisoners about their treatment, should they bother to read them at all. So Sam Kent will resort to all-caps: THERE ARE NO WOMEN TO DRUNKENLY GROPE IN PRISON. Sam Kent wishes this issue to be addressed immediately."