Pop Rocks: Fantasy Football For (Immature) Dummies

Categories: Pop Rocks

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Football season is almost upon us. For many people, this time of year offers renewed hope for the future, ranging from the merely possible (can the Saints repeat?) to the improbable (will the Texans makes the playoffs) to the "You gotta be fucking kidding me" (Kris Brown kicks a last-minute field goal to win the Super Bowl).

For fantasy sports enthusiasts, the new football season brings an entirely new set of expectations. Namely, the potential for a healthy financial windfall and a whole spring/summer's worth of trash-talking, all based solely on whether you were lucky enough to start Jay Cutler during one of the three games he throws more TDs than picks.

Fantasy football has exploded in popularity in recent decades, and some people -- including a few yours truly competes with -- take this shit seriously. Some of us, on the other hand, have a different perspective on the fantasy draft. Specifically, I like to draft players with the dirtiest sounding names.

The All-Beavis Draft, so named for its potential to make grown men giggle like junior high kids, has a long and storied tradition dating back to last Thursday night when my friend TK and I came up with the idea of our own league draft. Let's get to it.

1. Chris Johnson, RB (TEN) -- Happily, this one actually coincides with the consensus #1 overall pick in most drafts. He's a threat to break the single season rushing record, and his last name is another term for a guy's schlong. Talk about an all-around player.

2. Roddy White, WR (ATL) -- The Falcons' passing game looks to open it up even more this season, and "Roddy," like "Johnson," is delightfully easy to associate with genitalia. Not that I'd say that to either dude's face, of course.

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The Trojan refuses to throw us a bone.
3. Mark Sanchez, QB (NYJ) -- The least the Jets' starting quarterback could do for his more childish team managers (and I counted at least 20 "dirty Sanchez' references at our draft alone) is grow a little mustache. Is that so much to ask?

4. Jerricho Cotchery, WR (NYJ) -- It's rarely advisable to have your starting QB and wide receiver from the same team. Bye weeks are a bitch, and if either goes into a slump, the corresponding point losses can be significant. And I know there's no 'R' at the front of his surname, but two beers in and I'm willing to let it slide.


5. Reggie Bush, RB (NO) -- Bush doesn't deserve a sniff in the early rounds, as he's just one of many options the Saints have, whether they want to hit it hard or go deep inside.

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That's not how I remember that tape.


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