|Clear eyes. Full heart. Can't lose...unless you got a name like this.|
When you live in Texas, you realize that certain things are sacred whether you like them or not. The Alamo, good barbeque and football are at the top of the list and when it comes to football, nothing is more sacred round these here parts than the high school variety.
With that in mind Hair Balls has set out to compile a list of the five worst Houston-area high school team names. Most team names are fairly boring. You've got your Colts and Jaguars and Tigers and Eagles. Some are a little embarrassing like the Redskins or Oilers. Some take it a little too far like the Encourager Christian Mighty Warriors or the Strake Jesuit Crusaders (yikes).
And this isn't to say Houston is the worst. How'd you like to play for the El Campo Ricebirds, the Calhoun Sandcrabs or, wait for it, the Farmersville Fightin' Famers (we are not kidding).
But, for us, none can compare to these five classic choices.
5. Texas City Stingarees
Look, we know that it sounds cool. In many ways, it simply is
cool. But, the fact is when you do a lookup on Google, all you find listed for the name besides the music festival of the same name are mentions of a San Diego neighborhood home to pimps and prostitutes in the early 1900's and an old western. The name, frankly, sounds more like a cheerleading squad (they are called the Stingarettes - we don't make this up) than a team name that will hopefully evoke fear and respect in your competition. Stingarees just makes us giggle.
4. The Woodlands Highlanders
We think we get it. The "Wood"lands is all green and lush and Highlanders lived in the highlands of Scotland, which are kinda lush and green too? And we suppose highlanders can be fierce, although the Woodlands mascot makes us think more of Groundskeeper Willie than some badass Scottish warrior. Mostly, we worry that the nerdy "there can be only one" jokes might filter into the locker room and become some kind of mantra and that just doesn't have the same ring as "Win one for the Gipper" or "Clear eyes. Full heart. Can't lose."
3. Lee Ganders
There are some odd things that go on down in Baytown what with all the refineries and such, but someone must have breathed in a lot of toxic fumes if they honestly thought the Ganders was a good name for a team. If there were a nearby team called the Geese, at least then we could assume it was a drunken pun that was the genesis of the name - what's good for the goose, after all... But, whatever the reason, it's tough to imagine anyone getting fired up to play for a team named after a male goose. We also wonder, are the girls' teams called the Lady Ganders? Creepy.
2. Deer Park Deer
This has to be one of the strangest and laziest choices for a team name we've ever heard. With the school name in front, the whole thing sounds like some bizarre cheer for a drunk guy dressed up in antlers trying to parallel park his car in front of the Halloween party. Its overt simplicity doesn't exactly lend itself to confidence in the school system. We can imagine the members of the school board sitting around an empty room trying to come up with a name, someone says, "Why don't we just call them the deer?" everyone shrugs, motion passed. Do the algebra teachers say, "Solve for X...or not. I don't really care."
1. Brazosport Exporters
The only reason we can come up with that Brazosport would choose the Exporters as their name is that it was part of some grand marketing scheme to promote the port in their town - as if the word "port" in the name of the place isn't enough. I can see business owners in a chamber of commerce meeting discussing the possibilities: "The Tug Boats? the Tariffs? the Oil Tankers? the More Bang for Your Buck-ers? No, I've got it! THE EXPORTERS!!! Brilliant! Chortle, chortle, guffaw, guffaw," because, you know, that's how shipping tycoons talk.