Game Time: 2010 World Cup -- I Am Darth Soccer
|"Luke!! I am your bad-luck charm!!"|
It's the one sporting event that takes a pretty easily graspable concept for the casual fan (put ball in goal -- and in the case of soccer here in the United States, we're talking like super casual, like "Paris Hilton deciding whether to bang the guy across the bar" casual) and combines it with our national sense of entitlement that we should be better than the world at everything and when we're not we can crack jokes about bombing our opponent back to the Middle Ages.
I was legitimately giddy for Saturday's knockout round of World Cup Soccer, especially the chance to watch it in a room full of fellow Americans adorned in red, white and blue, drinking Guinness at 9:30 in the morning.
This was the only game I planned on doing this for all weekend -- I was going to watch the United States-Ghana game, and if we won, then we had another week of anticipation and build-up for the quarterfinals; if we lost, it was back to vomiting about Astros baseball and vomiting every 30 minutes at the thought of alleged NBA superstars having to collaborate in free agency to win a ring (another topic for another time)...really, back to a lot of vomiting.But a strange thing happened Saturday -- even with the United States losing on Saturday, I got bitten by the World Cup bug, and in the process found out I had powers even I didn't know I had. Allow me to explain...
I know that as a society we're still trying to block out the Star Wars prequel movies from our collective memory, but remember little 9-year-old Anakin (about 15 years before he became the galaxy's version of Satan wrapped up in a Raider Fan)? Remember how it took him casually bumping into a couple of Jedi knights while he was working in a sweat shop as a mechanic's assistant (damn child labor laws on Tattooine were for shit) to eventually realize the superhuman powers he possessed -- innocent things like moving stuff telepathically and flying around like a literal bat out of hell that eventually turned into Anakin choking people for fun by merely pointing at them? (Not cool, by the way).
Well, I had an Anakin moment this weekend, and it occurred about halfway through the England vs Germany match on Sunday morning. I realized that by merely showing up at a party for a World Cup game that my presence would rain bad luck down upon the team whose fans were hosting that party -- so to you American fans at Ernie's on Banks this weekend, I'm sorry. To the British fans at the Red Lion? Well, I'm not apologizing, but that strange tremor you felt on Sunday when that goal that would have evened the match at two was disallowed? That was me. And Mexico fan? I don't speak Spanish, so I'll keep this simple -- I was at Mambo North Houston on Sunday afternoon. Argentina is viva-ing today because of it.
I went to three parties at three bars this weekend, and the host teams all lost...by a combined score of 9-3, which is roughly the equivalent of a combined three-game football score of 270-14. Yes, I am the soccer-party turd in the punch bowl. I am the Sith Lord of bad karma.
I am Darth Soccer.
I'm not gonna lie, I had a great time at all of the World Cup parties that I went to. I'm just saying that if you're Brazilian, be glad that I'm not eating lunch at Fogo de Chao this afternoon when your team takes on Chile. And Japan, stop snickering....because I know where all the sushi bars are in town, and if I have to throw down a dragon roll at 9 a.m. tomorrow when you play Paraguay, I'll do it. And if you think I'm kidding, try me....
Probably the best way to understand the evolution of my self-actualization in the realm of soccer Sith superhuman powers is to go back through my Twitter feed from Saturday and Sunday. So here we go, in 140 character blurbs, the genesis of the greatest closer this side of Mariano Rivera (i.e. if your country's soccer team is on a roll, karma will bring me in from the bullpen and turn them into a first-grade house-league team) -- ME! (with my running commentary as well...)
SATURDAY JUNE 26 (LIVE from Ernie's on Banks in the Montrose area!)
11:06:25 AM -- Does it get any more American than 11AM drinking w @taskmaster1560 @erniesonbanks & looking ahead to the next round vs Uruguay? I say no.
Sean Pendergast: Yeah, two hours before the game started, me and my producer, Kyle "The Taskmaster" Manthey (also known as @taskmaster1560 on Twitter), were watching highlights of Uruguay and South Korea from earlier in the morning, a game whose winner (Uruguay) would be the eventual opponent for the United States-Ghana winner....and naturally Kyle and I (two guys who know virtually nothing about international soccer) were breaking down our chances against Uruguay like we were Alexi Lalas and Tommy Smyth. I mean, does it get any more American than two booze-guzzling idiots looking ahead like two experts to the next round of a sport they know nothing about? (Actually, about half of the presidential elections in our country's history tell you the answer to that.)
A couple good tweets from followers/listeners of mine before the game started...
11:51:53 AM -- (Via @LEXthePEX) Ghana v USA will be rehash of Kamala v Undertaker Summerslam 91! We all know who won that matchup, don't we!
SP: Kamala was from Uganda (actually he's from Mississippi), but point taken. Regardless of which small African country you are, we're going to tombstone pile drive you!! REEEESST IIINNN PEEEACCCE.....
11:38:43 AM -- (Via @RyanLostinTX) America is about to introduce Ghana to freedom and democracy, the hard way.
SP: ....nodding my head.....ok, back to my tweets....
11:57:38 AM -- Nothin from nothin, but if ur from Ghana and ur team wins today, budget some xtra minutes to get thru airport security on Monday. Jus sayin'
12:53:38 PM -- "Can we please change the rugby match or track meet over to the soccer pre-game?" Yeah I just said that. This is a weird day.
3:50:00 PM -- If this bar were in Ghana, @taskmaster1560 would be strewn in about 50 pieces behind the building right about now.
SP: Yeah, when it came to Kyle, the measured pre-game analysis of roughly four hours previous to this tweet gave way to a string of four and twelve letter words about Ghana and soccer players from Ghana and mothers of soccer players from Ghana that...well, let's just say Kyle had them doing unspeakable things. Eventually, the real victim in the whole thing became a wall that Kyle pretended was Ghana.
3:51:01 PM -- VERY fearful Ghana might go into the 11 corners for the rest of the match.
SP: I think Dean Smith re-tweeted this...at the very least, he probably tagged that he "Liked" it on Facebook.
3:59:36 PM -- If it's possible for a person to be NSFW, @taskmaster1560 is pulling it off. Yeoman's performance today.
SP: Ironically, Kyle read this tweet on his phone and was far more offended as a former yeoman than he was being called "NSFW." Apparently, he was a yeoman on a shrimping boat at some point and thought I was disrespecting yeomen everywhere. Repeated attempts to explain that "yeoman's performance" is a actually compliment were met with drunk ears, and...actually now that I think about it, maybe he was pretending the wall was me! Let's move on....
4:15:31 PM -- Time to cue "Just Once" by James Ingram and drive home weeping...
SP: Because it's as easy as it gets to take any tearful occurrence and apply the Last American Virgin end-credits analogy to it. Insert Landon Donovan as "Gary," go ahead. Watch....
4:22:17 PM -- Bad news, we lost. Good news, you know Stallone is now frantically writing the script for Rocky VII w Rocky vs some Ghana dude.
4:30:15 PM -- Number of goals scored by US forwards in World Cup. ZERO. That @brianching fellow might have helped. #BobBradleyFAIL
So if you're keeping score at home, I've been to exactly one United States watch party with the diehard soccer fans of Houston and the United States lost. It sucked. It sucked big time. But I so enjoyed the spirit in that room that I wanted to chase it. So one of my buddies that I was watching the game with at Ernie's, former Houston Texan Marcus Coleman, suggested that we hit the Red Lion (big time English soccer bar on Shepherd) on Sunday morning for England and Germany.