For Eyjaf...Eyjafj...For that Iceland Volcano, Five Crappy Magma-Laden Movies

Categories: Environment

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As you've probably heard by now, the Eyjafjallajoekull volcano erupting in Iceland is causing some problems across the pond:

EU transport ministers are to hold emergency talks by video conference on easing the volcanic ash cloud chaos paralysing air travel across Europe.

Sixty-three thousand flights have been cancelled in four days, with millions of passengers stranded worldwide.
[...]
Airports and airlines question the need for curbs said to be costing airlines alone $200m (£130m) a day.

Much of northern Europe remains a no-fly zone with airspace closed, or partially closed, in more than 20 countries.

Who knew, huh? All the earthquakes and tsunamis in the news in recent years, and it's a long dormant volcano in a bankrupt country in the North Atlantic that ends up wreaking havoc on global travel and trade.

If you're reading this and are one of the multitude of people stranded by the (pain in the) ash cloud blanketing Europe, my sympathies. Perhaps forcing yourself to sit through these vile volcanic offerings will help appease Pele's wrath.

5. Journey to the Center of the Earth (1959)

The reckless Prof. Lindenbrook actually made his subterranean journey through an Icelandic volcano. Obviously he's to blame for our current predicament, which would therefore justify the creation of a program authorizing the use of time travel to stop him. I propose we call it "SkyNet."

4. One Million Years B.C.

Clearly this is one of the first attempts at reconciliation between creationists and scientists. The latter agreed to acknowledge the idiocy of claiming the Earth is only 6,000 years old if the former agreed to show Raquel Welch and Martine Beswick fighting dinosaurs in bikinis. Talk about your win-win scenarios.


3. Volcano: Fire on the Mountain (1997)

The EXTREME nature of this TV-movie's trailer might confuse you until you remember it starred Dan MTV Sports Cortese, meaning anything less than totally aggro footage just wouldn't cut it. Unlike most movie volcanoes, the one depicted here seems content to kill skiers and snowboarders, and acceptable solution considering the obnoxiousness of both groups.


2. When Time Ran Out (1980)

AKA Paul Newman's Contractually Obligated Volcano Flick. Newman, William Holden, and Ernest Borgnine were still under disaster mogul Irwin Allen's thumb, and all participated in this (Allen's last movie) to get out from under it. Newman used his paycheck to start Newman's Own, though it's hard to decide which is worse: his performance in the movie or his crappy vinaigrette.


1. Volcano (1997)

The biggest goof in this Tommy Lee Jones embarrassment isn't the idea that people can trot up to 1000 degree (Celsius) lava without bursting into flame, or that Anne Heche is believable as a scientist. Rather, it's that anyone would view the destruction of Los Angeles as a bad thing. I haven't seen that many people cheer in a trailer since the "White House blowing up" scene in the Independence Day teaser.


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