Stuck On You: Farmville Fanatic Arrested In String Of Bizarre Summertime Adhesive Attacks

Categories: Crime
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One of the more bizarre Houston-area crimes of the past year has apparently been solved.

Back in July, Pasadena police were seeking a man described as an "older teenager" who they believed attacked random women in retail outlets. His assaults took a peculiar form: he would squirt a tube of what was described as "glue or a glue-like substance" in their hair. His three known victims, all female, ranged in age from 12 to 53 and were attacked over the course of three days, two in a Walgreens on the Spencer Highway and the other in the Kroger across the street.

The 12-year-old victim, whose identity was withheld, said the perp just walked right up to her and squirted the substance into her hair straight from the tube.
"I saw a glue bottle in his hand, so I got kind of nervous," she told Channel 13. "I knew something was wrong, so I went to my grandparents. I noticed that a little piece of my hair was sticking to my shirt, and when I pulled it, this whole wad of glue came with my hair. I said, 'That guy put glue in my hair.'"

Fast forward five months and head across the country to Portland, Oregon. There, several women were also assaulted, though by this time the attacker had graduated to involuntary hair-styling, often as the victims rode city buses.

"When I got off, I touched my hair and I felt like it was shorter and like my sister picked me up and I told her like 'I think this guy just cut my hair,'" one unidentified victim told a Portland reporter.

Oregon authorities have apparently cracked the case. They arrested 22-year-old Houstonian / Oregonian Jared Walter, and have charged him with two counts of robbery - apparently for stealing hair - and one count of interfering with public transportation. He is also a person of interest in a string of break-ins, and Portland police believe he is also responsible for the glue or glue-like substance attacks.

Luckily, he has a Facebook and Hair Balls has found it...

A few items of interest...It's no surprise that he's both a Farm Town and Farmville fanatic. Any criminal psychiatrist worth his or her salt will tell you that those people can't confine their heinous, soul-crushing crimes to Facebook for very long. Not content with clogging up the walls of all their friends with barfsomely cutesy virtual farm reports, soon enough, they will all graduate to more serious in-your-face shenanigans, like gluing your hair to your scalp.

Walter doesn't seem the sharpest tool in the shed: under "Education," he has written, "Clackamas Community College '10 4 yr business dergree [sic] and a fireman," and he lists his employer as "Hitech fire arms."

Here is his Christmas message of cheer: "Fuck the holidays I hate them I am sorry I don't want to fack it but I wish all of yell the best but thanks tho"
Though he is in the Pacific Northwest for most of the year, his own extremely tedious status updates place him in the Houston area when the superglue attacks were going on.

Ah, to hell with it. Read it yourself. We think you'll come to the same conclusion we did. In the immortal words of Hank Hill, "That boy ain't right."

PS: Hey la-dies: he's single and interested in a relationship!


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