'Tis the Season to Put Your Foot Down (Tra La La La La)

Tap, tap, tippety tap (excuse us, that's you, signing into your email; 'twasn't an activity in which you were engaged in your dreams last night). "Yippee skippy, an Evite! For a holiday potluck with my triathlon training team! Next Thursday? 'Course I'll be there with bells on!" You're so, so there; you couldn't get the radio button to Yes fast enough if you controlled the mouse with your brain.

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Tap, tap, tappety tip (yes, that's you again, logging into Facebook, not the sound of your neighbor's squeaking headboard stirring the pot of envy, yet again). "Word, Miriam's annual Hanukkah Menorah Viewing Party! Yo, I love those shindigs at her sweet pad!" And you click Attending before you have even the faintest clue when it's taking place, 'cause hell, you know you'll be there. It's a no-miss event. Why wouldn't you be among the party patrons? She's Miriam, after all.

The week snows and blows by, and you've finally slipped and slid into next Thursday. Your triathlon teammates are making Facebook quake with chatter about the potluck, and..um, wait a second. Your friend Miriam is posting mobile photos of the brilliantly glowing Hanukkah lights from her strangely tidy and sparkling living room. She gushes endlessly about how she can't wait to show off her constructs of dreidel-rrific cheer to all the guests...tonight. TONIGHT?! What? Tonight?!

Oh shit. Did you - gasp! - double-book yourself, Ms. Popularity?

Yes, Sherlock, you sure as hell did. And if you don't watch your ass, you're gonna do it over and over and over again 'til you ain't got nobody left, sister. You think we're in a recession now? Just wait 'til you're spending the season gulping down tequila-spiked eggnog alone. In your Scooby-Doo knickers. With It's a Wonderful Life on repeat. Merry Christmas to you. And Happy Kwanzaa, while we're at it.

In order to avoid the aforementioned predicament from becoming reality, please take our sage advice handouts for juggling your obligations and maintaining your friendships this holiday season:

  • Just say no. Nancy Reagan's schtick aside, you can't say yes to everything. Okay, okay, we know you did in college, but this is real life, dammit. And party invites are going to fly at your face like the balls of fraternity boys. Sometimes, you're gonna have to turn down perfectly good scrotums, erm, events when you're already, spoken for.
  • Check yo self before you wreck yo self. Look, foolio. Never blindly RSVP to any invitation without first consulting every calendar in existence where you could possibly have pinned yourself down. Google Calendar, Outlook, Facebook, Hermetic Week Lunar Calendar. Check, check, check, check. If you could've theoretically committed yourself to an activity and stuck it somewhere, verify details before you say yes to more.
  • Hang up your snob suit and go old school. Fer gawdsakes, we love our computers and our iPhones as much as you do, but we're not above pen and paper. NO, WE'RE NOT. If anyone tells you any differently, they're full of shit. Just write it down, bro. Yeah, with a pen. Or lipstick. Or blood. Whatever inks. On a pad of paper, on your hand, on your stomach, on your girlfriend's tits. Anywhere where you'll see it and be reminded of it. And where you will decidedly not forget about it.

Capiche, cowboy? Good. Now give that Santa suit a hearty shake out, and make a few Christmas wishes come true, why dontcha.


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