It's (Maybe) Gonna Snow In Houston!! Be Prepared!!

Categories: Spaced City
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Forecasters are still telling us there's a chance that it will snow in Houston tomorrow. We'll believe it when we see it, but the theory is that sometime Friday afternoon we may get hit with anywhere from a trace to an inch of solid white precipitation.

This, of course, would be an earthshaking event, if "earth" is defined as being limited to TV-news producers and people who panic over small things, mostly because of TV news.

In the interests of getting Houston as prepared as possible, keep the following things in mind.

1. Trenchant coverage of this possibility will include standing in front of parked sanding trucks. "City officials say they will be ready for whatever comes," we'll be told. Don't believe it!! What if we get five feet of snow? Will they be ready then? We think not.

2. Whatever you do, be sure to drive like an idiot. At the first sign of a flake, immediately reduce your speed by 50 percent, especially if you're on the highway. This will allow transplants from up north to tell everyone within earshot how Houston drivers just don't know how to handle snow, complete with yammering about steering into the skid and black ice. Actually, the transplants will do this no matter what happens, so there's really no need to slow down.

3. Make snow penises. Immediately. It's not a snowstorm without them.

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4. If you're a regular KTRH listener, be sure to mention as often as possible that it's snowing in Houston on December 4, so what's up with all this "global warming" crap? If you're an MSNBC viewer, be sure to lecture anyone who mentions this that it's "climate change," dammit, not "global warming."

5. Head to Home Depot to overstock-up on salt, shovels and other paraphenalia. Say hi to all the TV crews filming you!! Note: You don't need to buy plywood, although force of habit may make you think so.


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