Pop Rocks: "I Nail These Women Not Because They Are Easy, But Because I Am Haahd"

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The Facebers and Twitbooks were abuzz yesterday morning with the news of a recently discovered picture reportedly showing former President John F. Kennedy sunning himself on a boat with naked women frolicking around him...as naked women are wont to do. Allegedly taken in the mid-1950s, this pic would've coincided with a Mediterranean cruise Kennedy took with his brother Ted at the same time wife Jackie was undergoing an emergency C-section, subsequently giving birth to a stillborn child.

The photo has since been proven to be a fake -- part of a 1967 Playboy pictorial , unrelated to the Kennedys -- but it's still interesting that the website TMZ, which (surprise) ran the photo in the first place, used the headline "The JFK Photo That Could Have Changed History."

The site went on to assert that the picture would have "torpedoed" Kennedy's election chances in 1960, altering the course of American politics and leaving thousands of conspiracy theorists with little options but to pursue gainful employment. We can take the torpedoed election as a given, I suppose. Historians have maintained the same theory about JFK's escapades for decades, and it isn't hard to believe pre-Love Generation America would have been shocked, shocked to see their candidate cavorting with a bunch of naked babes (even if his stock among married American men might secretly have stored).

We can, however, take two things away from this whole incident. One fairly obvious, the other not so much.

First, there's TMZ's unspoken yet still readily apparent implication: if we'd been around in 1960, JFK never would have been elected President. More to the point, they seem pretty damn proud of this fact.

Now, not being famous (and being in the habit of wearing underwear in public) I'm fairly ambivalent about the rise of tabloid journalism. Bread, circuses, sex tapes and all that. But to assume the mantle of superiority because you might have ushered in the Nixon era eight years before the fact seems...off, somehow.

Even so, I think Nixon would have enjoyed the challenge. His initial exchanges with the paparazzi would've grown increasingly hostile until someone with a telephoto lens caught Pat flogging him with a cat o' nine tails made from photocopies of the Bill of Rights. Then, of course, he'd have gone Kent State on their asses.

Finally, it seems pretty safe to say that Obama must be as clean as the sphincter of one of those bears from the Charmin commercials. If anybody would've smoked out a fake birth certificate of some sort of covert Madrassa agenda, it'd be those assholes at TMZ. Which is something to be proud of after all, I guess.

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