Game Time: Larusso Vs. Skywalker, The Death Match
TALE OF THE TAPE -- "UNLIKELY HERO" CATEGORY
LUKE SKYWALKER Ht: 5'7"
Wt: 150 LBS
Title: JEDI KNIGHT
Hometown: Some moisture farm on Tattoine
Midochlorian Count: 14,500
DANIEL LARUSSO Ht: 5'11"
Wt: 103 LBS
Title: ALL-VALLEY KARATE CHAMPION
Hometown: Somewhere in North Jersey
Midochlorian Count: N/A
LARUSSO: Mr. Myagi, your standard Japanese apartment-complex janitor with a heart of gold. Managed to dupe Daniel-san into completely remodeling his home all under the guise of training him for a karate tournament. Also, managed to repair Daniel's mangled knee with his bare hands so he could fight in the All Valley Karate Finals. May or may not have touched Daniel inappropriately in scenes that wound up on the cutting-room floor.
SKYWALKER: Obi Wan Kenobi, the last of the Jedi Knights. Had no real employment other than watching after Luke while he grew up on Tattoine, which was weird because Luke had no idea he was being watched. So he may or may not have been a Peeping Tom. Lived in a hovel and meditated with a ghost of his former master all day. Took one for the team by letting Darth Vader slice him in half. Likely never got laid, not even once.
ADVANTAGE: LARUSSO, on the strength of Myagi being allowed to have intercourse
SPECIAL GIFT FROM MENTOR
LARUSSO: A brand new canary-yellow classic car
SKYWALKER: His father's light saber
ADVANTAGE: SKYWALKER, because giving a 16-year-old kid a car for no reason is just a little too creepy
LARUSSO: Johnny Lawrence, classic `80's high school villain. Had a bandana to go with every outfit, and a red leather jacket that would fetch $5,000 on eBay easily today.
SKYWALKER: Darth Vader, machine-like ubermonster who could choke people merely by pointing at them, a skill that would be fun to show off at parties if it were real. Also, he happened to be Luke's dad, so there's that.
ADVANTAGE: LARUSSO. I'm fine with adult film stars and strippers having "daddy issues," but science-fiction characters? Save it.
LARUSSO: Crane kick. I mean, what else needs to be said? It's the fucking crane kick, dude. Daniel went all in with it and caught a royal flush on the river. Totally sweet.
SKYWALKER: None. Seriously, when it came down to nut-cuttin' time and the universe needed to be saved, Luke was getting deep-fried by the Emperor's lightning hands and he needed Pops to do the heavy lifting and toss the Emperor into that chasm thingie for the save. Scottie Pippen thinks that's messed up.
BIG ADVANTAGE: LARUSSO
MODE OF TRANSPORTATION
LARUSSO: His mom's green station wagon, complete with Mom driving it! "Nice car, Mrs. Larusso!!"
SKYWALKER: Landspeeder, which in addition to going way faster than a station wagon, also has no tires, which means Luke didn't have to spend two hours sitting at Discount Tire waiting for his wheels to be changed.
ADVANTAGE: SKYWALKER. Side bar -- I was always hoping for a deleted scene in The Karate Kid where Mrs. Larusso accidentally took a wrong turn and got carjacked in Compton.
LARUSSO: "I hate this bike, I hate this bike!!! I HATE IT!! I HATE IT!!"
SKYWALKER: "...but I was gonna go to the Toschi station and pick up some power converters!"
ADVANTAGE: LARUSSO. He's right, that bike sucked ass. Bike had it comin', for sure.
LARUSSO: Ali with an I, the chunky version of Elisabeth Shue. Of course, as best we can tell, he never even got to first base, but did manage to play bubble hockey with her and hold her hand in the photo booth.
SKYWALKER: Well, for at least the first two legs of the Star Wars Trilogy it was Princess Leia, who wound up being his sister. Incest is not cool in any galaxy.
BIG ADVANTAGE: LARUSSO. Moral of the story -- If you have to kiss your sister to get to first base, you're better off playing bubble hockey.
LARUSSO: At best, Larusso becomes a karate teacher in a dojo for skinny kids from New Jersey
SKYWALKER: If he played his cards right, Luke would become a prominent figure in the government of the universe. Worst case, he's so scarred from the incest and the "daddy issues" that he goes around pointing at people and choking them out for fun.
ADVANTAGE: SKYWALKER. If for no other reason than I'm fearful of him finding me and choking me out for fun.
CONCLUSION: LARUSSO 5 (including two BIG advantages), SKYWALKER 3.
So there you have it, Chance and Frank. GO GET LUKE SKYWALKER A BODY BAG!!! YEAAAAAHHHH!!