Dancing With the Stars: Puppet Theater of Doom

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Goodbye, sweet douchebag. Fare thee well.
It's the eighth week of Dancing With the Stars, and I think we all deserve a warm thanks for making it so far. Although really, most of you aren't watching the show and only read these blog posts with a sick fascination to see if I've actually snapped and killed anyone yet. And the few of you who do watch the show are crazier than I am.

The results show kicked off, as always, with a repeat command performance of a dance from the night before. This time it was Joanna's batshit "futuristic" paso doble complete with lights on her dress. And yet, because this is a strange and confusing world, Joanna was the first one declared safe, putting her in the final four. (There's a really bad Big Dance pun in there somewhere, but I don't wanna pull it out. Feel free to write your own, kids!)

First musical performance of the night: Michael Buble. Some women in the crowd started cheering right when he started singing, like they recognized the song, so maybe it was his hit or something. I had no idea. He's got a good voice, and definitely working his easy listening niche, but if he's not careful, he's gonna be the new old Rod Stewart.

Also safe for now: Mya, which come on, no shit. She's bound to go down the final two.

Then it was a HILARIOUS -- I wish there were bigger letters! -- segment called "DanceCenter," in which SportsCenter anchor Kenny Mayne, who appeared on DWTS' second season, did a parody of the ESPN show with Len Goodman and Jerry Rice. Think about how funny that sounds, now multiply it times an infinity of rainbows. Then KEEP GOING. The bit also used Stacy Keibler, also of the second season of DWTS, as a "field correspondent." One assumes it's because the type of dudes who watch Mayne on TV also tend to relax at the end of the day with an image of Keibler. You know who you are, Guy Who Lived Next To Me In The Dorm Freshman Year.

Following that it was your puppet theater of doom, America! Sabrina Bryan, part of the Disney prefab group The Cheetah Girls (who suck, so eat it, commenters), and Mark the pro reunited to dance to "Eye of the Tiger." A very, very creepy home viewer who apparently designed the costumes was courtside, as was Jane Seymour. Seriously, this show is what you would see in your nightmares after playing Trivial Pursuit while high. It's a senseless mish-mash of lower pop culture references and hammy jokes.

Michael Buble performed again. I bet he had his pick of the cougars in the building.

Safe for now: Donny Osmond, which again, obvious. I bet it's him and Mya at the end. That left Aaron and Kelly in jeopardy.

Then it was time for Susan Boyle to perform. Yes, that Susan Boyle. She did "I Dreamed a Dream," the song that put her on her weird little corner of the map. It was the one moment in the whole rotten hour that wasn't terrible. What can I say, I'm a sucker for the musical. I told you I have a heart. Small and dusty, but it beats.

More "DanceCenter." It kind of hurt. I can't even describe it.

Time for the elimination: The loser was Aaron Carter! YES. That put Kelly Osbourne, who's really engaging, in the semifinals. Aaron's very likely mentally unstable, or at least probably not sure of his surroundings at any given moment, so keeping him on the show any longer would have been a recipe for disaster, or a murder.

So that was the week! I'm glad we made it. It's down to Donny, Mya, Kelly, and Joanna. And you and me! Whoever wins, I think it's clear that the viewers are the ones who lose. ... See you next week!

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