Dancing With the Stars: Bad Luck, Chuck

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If you watch this, you're going to need to explain yourself
The arrival of another Dancing With the Stars results show always fills me with a queasy mix of relief and dread. Relief, because it's only an hour long instead of two, and another couple will be eliminated, bringing us all that much closer to the end of the season and, presumably, freedom; dread, because the results are stretched to the breaking point over an endless and lamentable parade of bad pop numbers and curious stage performances. And last night's episode, despite the protestations of Tom Bergeron and Lady Co-Host, was no different. Shakira performed, dreams were shattered, and I got one day closer to my grave.

Len Goodman brought out Melissa Joan Hart (whose score this week was up 9 points from the week before) to dance again because he wanted to see a dance with "the three Es: excitement, energy, and fantastic entertainment." So what if that's actually EEFE? That's harder to say. After that, it was time for Shakira to inflict her dying-cat mewlings on the innocent viewing crowd, and inflict she did. She's famous for the same reason you know who the Pussycat Dolls are -- shaking her ass in leather pants -- and nothing more. Hollywood!

Score update for the week: Michael Irvin and Snowboarder are tied at the bottom, while Melissa and Mya are tied for first. So, the scores aren't cumulative? Melissa and Mya each got a 28 this week, but Mya's been consistently scoring higher than Melissa; is this not going to be a factor? If not, how is there any motivation? Every week is its own micro-competition. Donny Osmond, did you do this?

Safe for now: MYA AND MELISSA. Well, no shit, fellas. Aaron Carter is in the bottom two per a combination of judges' scores and viewer votes.

(Sidenote: One of the commercials in the middle break was for Ugly Betty. If you watch this show, please leave five reasons for doing so. Thanks.)

Hey, there was a cutaway to the new guy from The Bachelor: On the Wings of Love (seriously?) in the front row. I think ABC just wanted a low-overhead way to vertically integrate series promotion into one cheap outlet, so they imported Dancing With the Stars and went bananas. I mean, sure, every show on every network is made just in the hopes of drawing viewers and selling ads at a higher rate, but at least you get an actual show. This is just ... bland merchandising.

Then it was time for the pros to dance, and John intro'd them as being "on the wings of love themselves." He even took a light jab at Joanna later on. I think he secretly hates the stuff he hosts and tries to have a little fun with it, for which I commend him. Anyway, three pro couples did some Latin dances. It was sparkly.

Safe for now: Kelly Osbourne (genuine yay!) and Natalie (genuine apathy!) and Joanna (genuine hate!). So all the women have survived this week. The judges and viewers also spared Mark and Michael. I agree with Lady Co-Host's surprise that Michael Irvin made it another week. Is he threatening people with a blade again?

Just as I was starting to wonder if we'd get another awesome Shakira performance, we got another awesome Shakira performance. And by awesome, I mean I'm pretty sure she was lip-syncing. She "sang" her hit "Hips Don't Lie," which I guess is good for her hips?

Safe for now: Donny Osmond, which leaves Chuck, Snowboarder, and Aaron. After a commercial break to up the "suspense," Snowboarder gets a reprieve. The final cut and the night's loser: Chuck Liddell! Overcome with anger and grief, Chuck removed his partner's head with a roundhouse kick before stripping naked and running into the California night. He killed three highway patrolmen and a deer before they finally took him down.

So that was the fourth week of the ninth season of Dancing With the Stars. Next week is apparently the first group dance of the season, the Hustle. I know I'll only be able to watch with a sickened wonder, but I also know I won't be able to look away.


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