"Nah, You Just Winged Him And Made Him A Unitarian"

Categories: Texas
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If you prefer a little power of prayer with your PlayStation -- and if you live anywhere near a Houston or Dallas Wal-Mart -- then you're in luck: Inspired Media Entertainment is test-marketing its Left Behind and Charlie the Churchmouse games in those select locations.

So just what is a "Christian" video game, you ask? Based on the descriptions on the company's web site, they're sort of like Grand Theft Auto, only without the enjoyment factor. In Left Behind: Eternal Forces, you can "recover ancient scriptures and witness spectacular angelic and demonic activity as a direct consequence of your choices." You also get to battle "negative spiritual influences," which makes the experience sound as much like an AA meeting as a video game.

Its companion in the series, Left Behind: Tribulation Forces, is advertised as "the first video game in which prayer & worship are more powerful than guns!" Apparently, you can use those tools to "combat the Antichrist's forces on two battle fronts." (We didn't look at any of the Charlie the Churchmouse series, as we're deathly afraid of rodents and don't believe they should have any standing in a decent, Bible-based society).

And as a bonus, the company is also offering an "upgrade CD" for Eternal Forces, which apparently cleans up some of the errors on previous versions, and enhances graphics, a la "vehicles now look damaged when they are attacked" and "help VO no longer repeats itself when the same action occurs within a short period of time."

Here are some other changes we'd like to see on future versions, though.

-- Female avatars entering Planned Parenthood clinics now scream realistically upon being engulfed in flames

-- Public school teachers working on behalf of homosexual agenda expanded to include grades K-12

-- Abolition of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" on level 7 means only characters with at least 75% Moral Life-Strength immune to Sword of Sodomy

-- Liberal professor avatars less Jew-y.

-- Embryonic Stem-Cell Ogres equipped with longer fangs, sharper talons

-- Athiest avatars on Level 14 upgraded with game-stopping NAMBLASTERS

Don't be left behind -- get to Wal-Mart before the end of days. You and Kirk Cameron will be glad you did!  


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