The Fines The Texans Should Be Handing Out
|Photo by William Holtkamp|
Now if the Texans are fining people for conduct detrimental to the team, then the team should have made a lot of cash after that debacle against the Jets. For instance, here at Hair Balls, we learned (i.e., we made it up) that the following fines were leveled against various parties for "conduct detrimental to the team."
1. Gary Kubiak: For impersonating a head coach.
2. The Reliant Stadium groundskeepers: For causing Matt Schaub to injure an ankle by painting white lines on the field for him to step on.
3. Kyle Shanahan: For failing to devise a coherent offensive game plan as part of his offensive coordinator duties. However, his play-calling was offensive, so the fine is reduced on that account.
4. Bob McNair: For hiring an Aggie to do a job (head coach) that clearly required a person who was actually competent.
5. The Offensive Line: The offensive line was going to be fined for impersonating an offensive line until it was discovered that the Texans don't have an offensive line to fine.
6. Frank Bush: For acting like Richard Smith.
7. Andre Johnson: For not acting like a diva and demanding that Matt Schaub and Kyle Shanahan figure out someway to get the ball to him. He is, after all, the best player on the team, so he really needs to step up and demand to be treated like the weapon that he is.
8. CBS: For making this the network's number-one afternoon game. You can't do a more detrimental thing to the Houston Texans than by making this game available for the entire public to watch.
9. Mark Sanchez: For not playing like a rookie quarterback making his first regular season start.
10. Rex Ryan: For not sending his dad Buddy Ryan over to the Texans sideline to slug the offensive coordinator for his inept offense.