When you're an iPhone owner, not only are you better than everyone else (obvs), but the lifeblood of your technological slice of gadget heaven is your applications, or "apps," if you're nasty. An integral part of your holy iPhone identity really shines through the apps you choose to rely on when you hit that home button. And since iPhoneness is next to godliness, your home apps screen really is a window into your soul. So let's ride with your iPhone's home app screen open so you can be closer to God, shall we?
The Control Freak:
Who needs to have a grip on reality at all times? You do, you do! And like Shakira's hips, your iPhone don't lie. Listen, home screen app space is prime real estate, right? So when some of your key apps include Settings, the App Store, Evernote, and Mint.com, dude, you might wanna lay off the uppers for a few hours. But you've probably got an app to manage that on a secondary screen, ahem. And check out that entire blank row without a lowly icon in sight! Now you've gone and made Baby Jesus cry. How about some social networking up in this grill? Ever hear of a dandy little website called "Facebook," perhaps? People make just as acceptable friends as computers do, you know. Yes, it's mildly thrilling that Tweetie was thrown in as a desperate dig at a shard of street cred, but it's not enough to pass muster on your inability to crack a smile and let your hair down. Your iPhone might as well be a virtual remote control for your life. Now where's your "Play" button?
Wow. If anyone's knees are weak, no one
shall be held accountable for any ill-reasoned actions that follow.
'Cause if you can manipulate an iPhone in such a way, of what else are
you capable? Do you talk pretty? Can you be trusted? How many
pairs of lacy undies did you collect last night? More importantly,
are you still looking for willing and able panty donors? Swoon.
Facebook, Loopt, Tweetie, AND TwitterFon? How many lives do you
have? You're the boy about whom all the girls in the schoolyard
warned their pretty little ponytailed friends. And yet, one brave and
envied soul still found herself with her legs behind her ears in your
backseat. You probably wear a leather bomber jacket from 1953, and
you probably have an oil slick thicker than Danny Zucko's on your
head. You've told the world you're never getting married, and your
one and only true love is your Harley. Your personal phone book is
probably longer than the skirts on most of the women you shag. And
it's no question that everyone uncontrollably wants you.
The Social Butterfly:
Oh, honey. Your iPhone home screen
is as jumbled as your social life must be. It's easy to assume that
you bite off more than you can chew, but sweetie, you can't help it --
you're simply soooooo wanted! In fact, "Miss Popularity" is a
nickname that was invented specifically with you in mind. You've got
an app for every possible social occasion that could arise, whether
you're using Fandango to find the latest Kate Hudson box office hit or
whether you're swinging by a swanky restaurant or club via
UrbanSpoon. Maybe you'll start an Obama rally at Belvedere -- you've
got an app for that! Oh, the possibilities are endless. Yet if all
else fails, Loopt and Maps will help you figure out where the poshest
party's at, what what! You're always droppin' those Gs (and thank
gawd for that Chase app, you $30,000 millionaire, you!), and the
scene's got your name plastered all over it. You belong on the cover
or Houston Modern Luxury
, or at least featured in one of those
spots about the parties at Hotel ZaZa with captioned photos that
absolutely everyone cares about. Those 139 unread messages can wait
'til the hangover wears off anyway. You've got Cosmopolitans to
ingest and political activism to feign.