Can't Join 'Em? Sue 'Em or Quit 'Em!

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Tony LaRussa and Trent Reznor are bona fide weenies.

Yup. Weenies. As flaccid and dejected as they come. So to speak.

In an embarrassing showing of overinflated celebrity egos, the Lifestyles of the Rich and Social Media Clueless has had the interwebs all atwitter as of late. As a result, both Tony and Trent want you to follow their excellent examples in the social web when push comes to shove - throwing the book and jumping ship.

Tony La Russa, manager of the St. Louis Cardinals, launched a lawsuit last month against Twitter, claiming that the uber-popular site "damaged his reputation" and "caused emotional distress." Oh shit, where's Jesse Spano with the caffeine pills? This sounds slambook-worthy! He claimed that Twitter allowed someone to create an account in his name and write things that were "derogatory and demeaning."

Uh oh, a tear-jerker, just like that eating disorder episode of DeGrassi High. Pass the box of tissues over here, please! If you throw Homeward Bound in the mix, that'll probably be the only poignant equivalent. Because, you know, Tony's gotta defend and protect his good name and all. Who would want to impersonate such a stand-up guy like Tony La Russa? Dead pitchers and drunk driving are not funny. So tragic Tony took his law degree and went to court...and settled. It's a tough row to hoe when you're Tony La Russa in the age of social media. Poor, poor Tony La Russa.

And then there's tormented Nine Inch Nails front man Trent Reznor. Because his tortured, blackened soul wasn't enough of a sacrifice for you, Trent decided to quit social media altogether...sort of. After a lengthy missive on the NIN forums, that is. His soul, it BLEEDS. It bleeds for you!

He "lowered the curtain" a bit so you could "see more of my personality," and then, LOOK WHAT YOU DID! Just LOOK at his soul. Bared clean, like a newborn baby's ass! And then you hurt him. YOU HURT HIM! You cut him deep. He's suffered through fans "recoiling in horror" because he "wasn't what you projected on me." The pain! It's the only thing that's REAL! If you cut Trent Reznor, DOES HE NOT BLEED? Well, fuck the lowered curtain, then. HE'S BLEEDING AND YOU DON'T CARE!

Dripping with agony and citing Metal Sludge, a forum of "unattractive plump females...people NOBODY will fuck," as the reason for the early retirement from social media, Trent recommended "to cut along the length of vein, not across. Bigger payoff." OH NO, TRENT REZNOR IS HURT! He's dripping with blood! FOR YOU! AND YOU SHUNNED HIS BLOOD! You brought him closer to God, and now you do THIS to him? The man who once said he'd rather die than give you control cannot bear the burden any longer! IT IS SO HARD! Poor, poor Trent Reznor.

The lesson? If you can't join 'em, sue 'em or quit 'em.


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