A Call for More Honesty in Facebook Status Updates

Categories: Pop Rocks

I'll admit it...I'm as self-absorbed as the next person when it comes to writing Facebook status updates. I know no one really cares if I'm watching Larry King or filing my nails or whatever, yet for some reason I choose to update my status line constantly.

Have you noticed that very few people seem to have negative Facebook status updates? Everyone on Facebook is happy, or looking forward to a new day, or taking a bath, or reading a great novel. The Facebook status line is the new designer jeans label or fancy sports car (albeit cheaper). What you wear or drive tells the world who you are, and Facebook status updates seem determined to tell the world exactly how happy, lovely, wonderful, or charmed your life is. (Tell me if I'm wrong...I just know my 254 friends seem to lead pretty awesome lives.)

It got me thinking...what are status lines I have never seen but wouldn't mind seeing, if only for the drama involved? Like:

Frank Johnson is....urinating blood.

Now that would make me pay attention. Surely someone on Facebook has urinated blood and freaked out and had to go get their prostate checked. Why doesn't anyone ever put something honest like that on their page?

Julia Kennedy is...herpes outbreak.

Okay, so that's fine. One quarter of the population has herpes. There ain't no shame in it. So why doesn't one quarter of the population include that in their updates more frequently?

Mimi Gomez is....hating her father.

Let's be real. People don't get along with their families. But for some reason, you don't hear anything about that on Facebook. Oh no, everyone on Facebook just llloooooveees their family and wants to post stupid freaking photos of their new baby cousin (snooozeeville) and never lets you in on any dirt.

Thomas Richardson is...jerking off to Rachel Ray.

I'm sure he wouldn't be the first one to commit such a transgression.

Celia Frederick is...pissed as Hell at the whole world, damn it!

Yeah, give it to us, Celia! Let your anger out! It's way more interesting than you telling us how excited you are to watch LOST!

Mike Hernendez is...regretting his marriage.

Ooh...now that's good. That is something people never admit on Facebook. They just mysteriously change their status from In A Relationship to Single.

Now don't we deserve a little more info than that?


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