The Bush Twins' Real Letter to the Obama Girls
Did you hear how the Bush twins, Jenna and Barbara, recently sent an open letter to the Obama girls, offering up advice for surviving life in The White House?
Now, to be honest, I thought their original letter was a truly sweet and lovely gesture, and I actually think the Bush twins have turned out to be quite mature and generous young women, but dang if the pop culture whore in me can't get snarky about this, too. I had to wonder what a more private letter - not posted in The Wall Street Journal - would have said.
Dear Obama Daughters,
Thank God your dad showed up for the job. Granted, we love our father, but come on. I mean, even we voted for your dad. To be honest, we tried encouraging Pops to retire early and invite your father to take over in late November, but he was insistent on getting to pardon the Thanksgiving turkey one last time. (You know how he is.) By the way, that ceremony is really only worth checking out once. Now the State Dinners...yeah, definitely go to them, especially if you can find a bartender willing to sweeten up your drink, if you get our meaning. Heh heh.
Anyway, let's get down to serious advice. The best thing about The White House is all the great hiding spots. Stash your smokes under Lincoln's bed because all the housekeepers swear that bedroom is haunted (please), and they'll never go look under there. Also, check out the Map Room. It's so freaking boring because it's...guess what? Full of maps! So hide contraband in there, too.
The Truman Balcony is an awesome place to sit and pretend to do your homework. Oh sure, your mom'll come out and be all, "Come on now, Malia and Sasha, let's get to work," and you can be all, "Please, Mom, I'm enjoying the view from the Truman Balcony." We don't know why it works, but it does.
Some of the Secret Service will just talk shit about everyone, so you can get all the good gossip from them. You know, like which secretary is banging which chef and so on. Remember everything - it can be used as leverage later on. "Oh, you don't want to make me scrambled eggs and bacon at 4 a.m. after I've just gotten back from bar hopping? Well I'm gonna tell my daddy you were going at it with the White House florist in the Blue Room last week." And so on. By the way, the White House scrambled eggs are awesome.
The Internet connection is a little slow, but that's to be expected in such an old house. (Thank God Chelsea talked them into getting cable.) Cell phone reception is definitely best in the Queens' Bedroom. (FYI: The queen usually stays at the Hay-Adams Hotel downtown when she's in town, so it's not like she actually sleeps there.)
Um, okay, that's pretty much it as far as we can think of, but definitely text us if you have questions.
Oh, and if you ever visit Austin, avoid Chuy's. But that's really a whole separate letter in itself.
xoxo Jenna and Barbara