It's Lonely Being A Twilight Fan Downtown
Maybe they’re all inside… no, it’s just a couple of kids at the popcorn stand and a guy at the ticket stand.
“Ah, where is everybody?” Hair Balls asks.
“Everybody who?” he answers.
“Aren’t you showing Twilight today? Where’s the big line of folks wanting to see it?”
“Oh, there are a couple of people in the theater.”
Ah, that’s it – they’ve all already taken their seats and are anxiously awaiting the start of the movie. Hair Balls heads into the theater. And … it’s empty. No, wait there are two women sitting in the center of the theater, and what looks like a guy way in the back (he’s all hunkered down and Hair Balls can only see the top of his shaggy head).
“So where is everyone?” Hair Balls asks again.
“Who?” asks the blonde 30-something woman.
“All the crowds that were supposed to be coming to see Twilight.”
“Oh, they’re at the other theaters, like at the malls and stuff,” she tells me. “That’s why I’m here. Nobody’s coming downtown to see a movie at 11 o’clock. Come back tonight, I bet it’ll be full then.”
“Well, maybe you can explain the attraction to us. This is a love story about a vampire and a human, right? What’s the big deal?”
“Oh, the books are really great. They’re quick reads, lots of action. They’re a lot of fun. The movie should be, too,” the thirty-something blonde tells us.
“But doesn’t the vampire spend half his time trying not to bite his human girlfriend?” Hair Balls asks.
“He’s aroused by the smell of blood,” says the blonde cheerfully.
“That’s what makes the story so good,” pipes up the twenty-something women a row over. “It’s all about his self-control, how he loves her so much he goes against his nature for her.”
“That kinda sounds like a batterer, a guy who has to keep himself from hurting his girlfriend. And there’s a vampire, too. He’s in love with the human girl, too, right?”
“Yeah, but its more of a best friends kind of love.”
A man, in his early twenties and looking a little disheveled wanders in, looking confused.
Hair Balls, however, is not confused. A guy who loves you so much he goes against his nature for you? Another guy who is in love with you but is willing to “just be friends” and quietly admire you? It’s every good girl’s wet dream.
Forget the fact that most guys won’t pick up their socks, much less suppress his own basic, animal desires for you. Or that saying “Of course we can just be friends” is code for “Hello, I’m your stalker.” Women, from teens, to twenty and thirty-somethings and older all fantasize about a man who says, “It’s all about you, baby.” The vampire in Twilight does just that. So does the werewolf.
The lights go down and a preview flicks on the screen. Hair Balls says, “Enjoy the movie” and leaves the darkening theater, waving good-bye to the women who have already completely forgotten about her. Twilight is starting, damn it. It’s time for a good fantasy.
— Olivia Flores Alvarez