Eva Longoria is SOOOO Fat!

Categories: Pop Rocks
Hollywood and the whole country are so full of dipshits.

Honestly. Have you heard the buzz about how “fat” Eva Longoria has become? The woman gains ten pounds, still looks totally pretty and normal, and everyone’s getting their panties in a wad wondering if she’s knocked up or just “fat.”

Dang, if Eva Longoria is fat, then I need to get the number for that lap band place because I must be straight up morbidly obese.

Even Eva’s costar Felicity Huffman, who I expected to be so rad because she’s married to William H. Macy and she made “Transamerica” and everything, came out joking that Eva wasn’t pregnant, “just fat.”

Uh, sorry, but as if it wasn’t already next to impossible as a woman to grow up in this country with any sense of a normal body image, and if it wasn’t already next to impossible for any woman to name fewer than five friends who’ve had anorexia or bulimia or some other hideously horrible eating disorder…if that wasn’t bad enough, Hollywood has to go on and freak out about a woman gaining weight. She actually looks better with the weight gain!

Whatever. I can bitch about this all I want, and nothing is going to change. It’s just going to get worse. Now there’s news about all the new 90210 ladies becoming so tiny their male co-stars are stepping in to try to get the girls to eat. Seriously, men actually like women with a little meat on their bones. We as women do this to ourselves, and it’s usually women who are nastier and more cutting about each other’s bodies than men are. (Come on, we all know the asshole who wears the “No Fat Chicks” T-shirt lives with his mom and jerks off to pictures of, like, Kelly Ripa, so he’s no serious threat.)

Anyway, back to Eva. I don’t care if she’s pregnant. I don’t care if it’s for her role in “Desperate Housewives.” I don’t care if she gains ten more pounds, she’d still look great. She’s not fat. She’s Eva Longoria. Now everybody shut up about it. -- Jennifer Mathieu

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