Like, Russia Is So Totally 80s Right Now!

Categories: Pop Rocks
Like, ohmigawd, Russia. You are acting so totally 80s right now! I’m, like, having a USSR flashback, swear to God. Like, everything about you is so classic 80s Russia. Or should I call you the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics? Like, really. Where’s that freaky red flag with the hammer and sickle. Grody!

I mean, not to totally freak out, fer sure, but this whole Georgia thing is, like, way crazy to the max. You just waltz over to Georgia, deck them, and act like total dickweeds about the whole thing. Like, did you ever think for one second that maybe Georgia wanted to just do their own thing without having y’all have, like, a complete and total cow over it? God! Totally harsh, man.

Not to act like a total Joanie or a geek or whatever and act like some big know-it-all, but I think you need to jam out of Russia, like, pronto. I totally feel like digging out my legwarmers, spinning my Huey Lewis records and recalling the deadening, sick fear of growing up under a constant threat of nuclear warfare. Cuz what you are doing is so totally retro. Hey, gimme a second, because I gotta jet and ask Mr. Pop Rocks if he has our copy of “Red Dawn” handy.

Okay, he totally does. “The Day After” is somewhere in our collection too, so we can totally wig out on the couch together.

Y’all are acting like real hosers, you know that? Yer buggin’ out thinking you can get all rude with Georgia and all. I mean, seriously, Russia, do you hear me? If you don’t do something about this soon, you can totally get bent. I mean it. Because this Georgia shit is just heinous. Like, way. – Jennifer Mathieu


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