Verne Troyer Sex Tape…Oh God.

Categories: Pop Rocks
I recognize I’m a little late to the party, as the saying goes, but I could not bring myself to watch the Verne “Mini-Me” Troyer sex tape until now which is why I haven’t written about it until now. Why?

Because I don’t want to think about Mini-Me having sex.

He did it with “aspiring actress” Ranae Shrider (wouldn’t you love it if she just referred to herself as “just a young slut from L.A.”…honestly, why dress it up with this aspiring actress bullshit?). Anyway…in an interview Ranae claims she met Verne at the Playboy Mansion (of course) and they could only do it missionary style. And as far as condoms? She admits, “There was no point. They’re all too big.”

Sigh.

I watched the little snippet on TMZ and I admit it was weird to see Mini-Me sticking his tongue out like a little cat would. Honestly, though, I don’t know if he made any more of an ass of himself with this incident than he did when he was on “The Surreal Life” and pissed himself and drove around on his wheelchair until Peter Brady made him get back in bed.

You know, I gotta shut up. Because maybe I’m being a judgmental asshole about this. Why shouldn’t Verne Troyer be able to make love with a woman he met at the Playboy Mansion and film it? Truth be told, if I get real, real honest with myself, I have to admit there are a hell of a lot more people I would rather not see do it than Verne Troyer. My parents, for instance. I don’t want to see them do it. Rather see Verne than my parents.

Dom DeLuise is another one. I’d rather see Verne than Dom. I loved Hume Cronyn and Jessica Tandy, but I didn’t want to see them do it, either. Rather see Verne than Hume and Jessica. I don’t want to see Spencer and Heidi from “The Hills” have sex. Rather see Verne than Spencer and Heidi.

Jared from Subway? Nope. Rather see Verne Troyer.

Mattress Mac? Nope. Rather see Verne Troyer.

George W. Bush and Laura Bush? No. Definitely Verne Troyer.

Okay, so I’m not so bad of a person. Mini-Me, go make all the sex tapes you want, darling. – Jennifer Mathieu

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