Bold New immigration Plan -- Give Yourself Up
Turn yourself in.
"Operation Scheduled Departure" will take away all the hassle of getting arrested and deported, says Julie Myers, the head of Immigration and Customs Enforcement. Instead of waiting around to be picked up in ICE raids at the workplace, aliens can step into an office, confess to their status, and get a few weeks before they have to leave.
We think this idea is terrific, and should be applied to many more areas of law enforcement.
Operation Stop & Rob -- HPD will set up computer kiosks next to every convenience store in the city. Before donning your ski cap and flexing to get the best definition on your muscles in the surveillance video, stop off at the kiosk and answer a few questions. Answering "yes" to "Are you planning to rob this store?" will bring a police cruiser. Given HPD's response times, however, you still have a good chance at pulling it off.
Operation Lone Gunman -- Before you assassinate any president of the United States, please inform the Secret Service.
Operation Marion Barry -- Named after the groundbreaking mayor of Washington, D.C., this project calls for all felons to have themselves videotaped if they plan on smoking crack.
Operation Tax Shelter -- From now on, the first section of every IRS tax return will consist of one question: "Are you going to cheat on this? No, really -- Are you? Come on, it's just between us."
Operation Scheduled Insanity -- Drivers who pass a cop parked with a radar gun are requested to pull over and inform the officer that a while back, they were probably going 10 or 12 MPH over the limit, man.
-- Richard Connelly