Texas Bible Study, a Syllabus
Some teachers have been awaiting this decision for ages, but still might need some help putting together a comprehensive, fair and historically accurate syllabus that takes its lessons straight from the pages of the Bible.
Here's our attempt:
I. Genesis – not just a great band!
a) Impregnating your wife’s servant – is it ever OK? (reading assignment: Genesis 16: 1-16, “Hagar the Not-So-Horrible”)
b) Impregnating your virgin daughters – is it ever OK? (reading assignment Genesis 19: 30-38, “Lot Gets Some”)
c) Voices telling you to kill a family member – paranoid schizophrenia or prophecy? (reading assignment: Genesis 22: 1-19, “Why Koresh was Krazy, but Abe’s A-OK”)
II.) Sometimes God Really Does Want You to Kill Your Kid for His Pleasure
a) Jephthah’s daughter – a burnt offering you can’t refuse (reading assignment: Judges 11: 29-40, “You Can Always Have Another Kid – Just Bang Your Other Daughters”)
III.) Leviticus: Rules You Can Use (reading assignment: Leviticus 21: 1-24, “What are You Talking About – This Makes Complete Sense”)
Man shall not lie with man as with woman.
(But as long as you're citing that Leviticus rule, don't forget the others:)
Man shall not lie with woman during her “unclean” time.
Man shall not marry a widow, divorcee, or hooker.
No dwarfs in the temple.
No one with a broken foot in the temple.
No one with pinkeye in the temple.
No blind people in the temple.
No one with scurvy in the temple.
IV.) The Bible in Hollywood: The Greatest Movies of the Greatest Story
a) The Passion of the Christ – more awesome than all Saw movies combined.
b) Left Behind: Kirk Cameron’s initials are only one off from “J.C.” Coincidence – or prophecy?
c) The Ten Commandments: Take your stinking chains off my people, you damn dirty Pharaoh!
d) Any Which Way But Loose: A thinly veiled allegorical interpretation of Corinthians II. With an orangutan.
-- Craig Malisow