Maury Povich: An Analysis

Categories: Pop Rocks, TGITiVo
In case you were wondering, being Miss Pop Rocks is not, in fact, a full-time job. Miss Pop Rocks does other things, one of which is working on her thesis for her master’s degree. (Shocking, but true.) Now, focusing on said thesis can be quite difficult, so from time to time I need to take a break and watch terrible, horrible daytime television.

For instance, I need to watch the DNA Dance of Death better known as the Maury show, hosted by Connie Chung’s better half.

Lately, I’ve found that one can really get quite analytical about Maury in the same way that one can get analytical when writing their master’s thesis. I decided to put my skillz to the test and scrutinize the several specific reactions that can happen when paternity test results are revealed on Maury.

The result is: "You are NOT the father!"

Woman's reaction might be: Head in hands, shaking of head, running off the stage sobbing, collapsing into Maury's arms as he says, "We can have you come back Tawny. We can help you find the real father." Variation on this theme might be woman sobs and pulls at man saying, "I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry."

Man's reaction might be: Jumps in the air, punches the air, swaggers in front of the stage representin' for the audience. Repeatedly says, "I TOLD ya bitch, I TOLD ya!"

Woman's reaction might be: Puts hand in the face of man who has been revealed not to be the father, gives a "Oh no you didn't" look and shrugs shoulders. Says, "Whatever, whatever, whatever Maury...I didn't want this BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP to be the father of my baby, no way Maury."

Man's reaction might be: Breaking down in sobs, accusatory looks directed at woman, might say something along the lines of "You BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP, you BEEEEEEEEEEEEP." Runs off to the back and sobs, tells Maury it doesn't matter, he is still going to buy that baby diapers and "love `em like he's my own." Sidenote: This is always the most sympathetic figure on Maury's paternity test shows.

The result is: "You ARE the father!"

Woman's reaction might be: Head shaking, finger in the face of man, crossing arms and leaning back with smirk on face. "I TOLD ya you was the father you BEEEEEEEP!" Self satisfied grin directed at audience. Variation on this theme might be woman cries with joy and embraces man, both of them forgetting her extramarital affair forever. Or at least for the remainder of the show.

Man's reaction might be: Stunned stare, maybe a little drool even starts to form in the corner of the man's mouth. Stares at hands, stares at audience, stares at Maury. Might run backstage where he is promptly greeted with a Maury staff member who puts a mewling baby in his arms. Man stares at baby and promises to Maury he will buy diapers and "be a father to my kid." Audience erupts in cheers.

Woman's reaction might be: Sobs, head in hands, running off backstage, etc.

Man's reaction might be: Starts crying with happiness, looks up at the ceiling, thanks God, hugs woman as they collapse in tears. Baby is brought out by Maury staffer, audience oohs and ahhs.

After reviewing, I think I’ve decided I am changing the topic of my master’s thesis. – Jennifer Mathieu


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