Maxim Magazine Readers: The Uncoolest Boys Around

Categories: Pop Rocks

So…it’s come to my attention that Maxim decided to come up with a list of the unsexiest women alive, and this list included Sarah Jessica Parker and Amy Winehouse and Sandra Oh (because of her supposedly “boyish” figure…yeah, that’s right). This list came out five months ago, so it’s probably a little late to rail on how it’s women-hating and shitty and pathetic, so I’ll just riff a little about the type of dude who reads Maxim magazine.

Like, picture the classic Maxim reader. He grew up in an exurb somewhere, jerking off to the ads in his mom’s Good Housekeeping and listening to his dad tell him doing the dishes is women’s work. Nobody taught him that women aren’t something to fear, but just people like him. He doesn’t know women are worthy of being loved and respected.

So he does neither.

At school, he made fun of the smart kids and cheated his way through Algebra and English II and Chemistry and World Cultures and he made fun of the kids who were the slightest bit different, smart, interesting, or weird.

High school was the best time of his life, and when he’s 42, he’ll still be talking about it.

So now, he’s like, an associate manager at Best Buy or whatever, trying to earn enough to move out of his mom and dad’s house. He’d play football on the weekends more if he wasn’t so into his PSP and shit.

He calls gay guys “fags” and lesbians “dykes” (unless, like, they’re both really freaking hot, man) and if a girl gets wasted on a date, he might have sex with her while she’s passed out, because, hey, she can’t say no.

He drinks Keystone Light and still thinks Jello shots are so fucking awesome, man. He thinks other people are interested in his detailed stories about how wasted he got the other weekend while his parents were out of town. Yeah, he’s 23, but so fucking what, right?

He listens to butt rock frat rock and longs for the days when Limp Bizkit ruled the airwaves.

He doesn’t read newspapers or current events magazines or watch the news or read political websites, but he is 100 percent sure the war in Iraq was the right thing to do and anyone who disagrees is a fucking terrorist lover and must be a Muslim to boot.

He reads Maxim because it is full of photos of women like Pamela Anderson, a woman so manufactured that she ceases to be threatening and is, instead, a cipher for all his mixed up, screwed up lust.

He thinks the dude from “Girls Gone Wild” is his idol, for sure, man. That dude is just awesome to him.

Yeah, that’s the guy who reads Maxim. And the guy who works there, too, probably. Only he was rich enough to get his mommy and daddy to buy him a journalism degree for kicks or whatever.

So of course he wouldn’t think Sarah Jessica Parker or Amy Winehouse or any other smart, talented, quirky-looking lady like Tina Fey or Amy Poehler or Kathleen Hanna or Sandra Oh or whoever would be sexy. Of course not. Because he wouldn’t know what to do with a woman who could talk circles around him, drink him under the table, earn more money than him, and demand exactly what she wants in bed. No, he wouldn’t know what to do with that kind of girl except call her unsexy cuz that’s exactly what his scaredy cat ass used to do back in high school.

So fuck him and fuck Maxim magazine. – Jennifer Mathieu


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