A Message from Miss Pop Rocks to All of You Baby Boomers: Suck It

Categories: Pop Rocks
So Tom Brokaw has some new book out about the 1960s called Boom! And a whacked out Dennis Hopper is doing retirement ads for Ameriprise Financial about how baby boomers can’t really retire because they’re the generation with dreams and dreams don’t retire (or whatever). And when the first baby boomer collected Social Security in October, for some reason it made national news.

After reflecting on all of that, Miss Pop Rocks has a message to all of you Baby Boomers out there.

Suck it.

I am so, so, so over all of you. I am so over 1960s montages showing a bunch of half-naked hippies rolling around in the mud coupled with shots of the Kennedy assassination coupled with shots of Jane Fonda riding that god dang tank. Who fucking cares! I’m so over your bloated, ego-fueled fantasies that you were the greatest, most original, most amazing generation to ever walk the planet and therefore everything you do and say deserves media attention. Because you were not the most amazing generation ever. You know what you were? You were a bunch of people who dropped acid and didn’t cut your hair. Ohmigawd, really? Well, everyone I went to college with did the same thing, so I guess that makes them boomers, too, right?

Guess what? You’re getting old. And despite what Dennis Hopper says, you are going to retire. And you’re going to die. But before you do, you’re going to develop all kinds of horrible diseases and syndromes and disorders that affect old people, and there’s nothing you can do about it. You’re going to go blind because that’s what happens to old people. And you’re going to go deaf because you went to too many Moby Grape concerts. And I won’t care. And neither will any of the younger people who are moving in to gladly take your place.

You are quickly becoming irrelevant and with every passing day you are becoming more irrelevant. Your trends, fashions, and icons are ending up in museums. You are getting dusty.

You had ideals and supposedly fiercely held beliefs that you squandered as you are now squandering our Social Security money because there are too goddamn many of you (which really, quite frankly, is your only claim to fame).

Your inability to think past yourselves has led you to classify every generation after yours as sullen, lazy, stupid, unmotivated, or apolitical. All lies.

So anyway, you can suck it.

Phew. I feel so much better now. – Jennifer Mathieu


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