The Astrodome Speaks...

Categories: Spaced City

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When we heard the latest plan to redevelop the Astrodome fell through, we decided to go straight to the source and talk to the Dome himself. (We’re old friends.) The Dome shared his thoughts on the Texans, the Oilers, the Rodeo and, of course, his domeys (that’s a dome homey, by the way). – Keith Plocek

How do you feel about the new development (or lack thereof)?

Not surprising these days. The days of visionaries and pioneers in this town are long gone, replaced by bottom-line bean counters with no imagination. And the ideas that were floated were lame.

Do you find it odd that you weren't even consulted on this decision?

Again, no surprise. Today’s generation has no interest in doing the leg work with brick and mortar when they got them sexy new-fangled computer models. That and the fact I no longer generate the revenue I used to that a good portion thereof would go toward greasing the political and business skids.

Have you gotten any moral support from your fellow domes?

Yeah, somewhat, from what’s left of them. My main domey, the Superdome, and the Metrodome have remained close. But since the Kingdome was, you know, demolished… [voice trails off, tears well up]… excuse me a moment… [gathers himself, takes a deep breath]… uh, ok… I speak to the Skydome every now and then, poor dude, those Canucks have renamed him the Rogers center, for crying out loud. I told him I wouldn’t stand for that shit. You’ll notice they’ve slapped “Reliant” in front of my name, but does anyone have the stones to call me “Reliant Astrodome” to my face? Hell, no!

The Alamodome and I have never been on speaking terms, besides, that dude was doomed before they even broke ground on his obsolete ass. Otherwise, the RCA Dome and the Silverdome have always been quite aloof. I don’t care, though, they’re also antiquated. What I got going for me is architectural style, that fact I was the first of my kind, and I have a rich and colorful history.

What about Minute Maid Park? You know that smug bastard is probably loving this.

Actually, no, the Juice Box and I are good. There was some tension at first but I got past that shit. I still call him Enron, though, and it fucks with his head.

It’s that monstrosity next door I got problems with. It’s already a soulless blight on our landscape like so many strip centers. Those bastards the Texans and the Rodeo are some greedy sons of bitches. To think I would take revenue from them is ridiculous, it makes no sense.

The Texans are virtually sold out every game and the Rodeo is once a year for, what, two or three weeks? The Texans are gripping since they botched the Vince Young opportunity. Yes, picking Vince might have bought me some time. They know they fucked up and now they’re scared shitless. Even winning a Super Bowl won’t make up for that boneheaded decision and it will haunt them forever. It’s obvious they covet my acreage, so why not make me a parking garage? It beats demolition…

Did you want to become a hotel?

Not really, but again, it beats demolition. Did you read some of the idiotic comments to the Chronicle’s article? World’s largest strip club. World’s largest church. Indoor skiing. Are you fucking kidding me? Then there’s the “tear it down, it’s an eyesore” contingent. These people, who have no taste for architecture or any appreciation for their own city and state’s history, must be destroyed with chilling efficiency.

Wouldn't being turned into a hotel actually be kind of wussy? Oilers GM Ladd Herzeg once mooned a wedding party on a road trip, which kind of shows the lack of respect the old Luv Ya Blue gang had for hotels.

Herzeg was a dick, but don’t diss my Oilers. They gave hotels the level of respect they deserved, much like Keith Moon…

Okay, dream world: You can become anything you want. What does the Dome really want to be?

A NASCAR track, that would be sweet. Or a rollerball stadium, and I mean the real rollerball with James Caan, not that LL Cool J crap.


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