Cover Story: Would You Like Some Meat in That Frozen Yogurt?

Categories: Cover Story
In researching this week's story on telemarketing scams, I applied for a business grant from My National Grants. About a week after I turned my story in, I got a call from a guy who called himself Josh – he said that I qualified for a grant! Originally, it was $32,000, but at some point, it became $10,000. But that’s still enough to fulfill my dream of opening my own frozen yogurt shop – a frozen yogurt shop with a twist. And by “twist,” I mean “real chunks of meat in every bite.”

You didn’t mention the business grant, okay?...What kind of business it is.

I thought you said…I was already approved.

Yes, yes, you are, but you didn’t put the [description] of the business yet.

Well, it’s pretty cool, and I think…it’s going to do to great business. It’s a frozen yogurt stand, but the thing that’s different about mine –

Yes –

is that I put real chunks of meat--

OK, please just hold on for a sec’ [unintelligble] other line. Just one sec.

New age hold music

Sorry about that. Alright, alright. Now the grant is yours. You’re approved for the grant. They’re going to send you the documents for government grants proposal that you have to sign.

So you don’t need to know any more about the business and about the chunks of meat in the yogurt?

No…they do everything, OK? What kind of business –

Because there’s a…smoothie, I put sausage in there. It’s a sausage smoothie.

Actually, they don’t want to know anything, it’s under the small entrepreneurs grant. Minimum grant is $10,000, maximum is $100,000. OK, they’ve given you the minimum grant. And after that you can apply for the other grants also….and the fee, for the lawyers and everything, including the documents…is $500.

Could you break [the fee] down for me?

The fee, $500, that you’re paying is not for the grants. Grants are absolutely free. But you have to keep the receipt – any money you spend into the business…you have to keep every receipt for three years….

I hear a lot about some companies that…run scams and stuff…

…you can go to Web site www.mynationalgrants.com, and we are sponsored by [unintelligible] search engine online, direct mail, Yahoo.com, MSN.com, Google.com, and [unintelligible].com.

You’re sponsored by them?

Yep.

‘Cause it says here, “each year hundreds of billion dollars are available…”

That’s right, people just don’t know.

For some reason, “hundreds” and “billion” and “dollars” are capitalized. And it says I can use my grant “for paying medical bill.”

Yeah.

Yeah. To pay medical bill.

Medical bills.

No, not medical bills. Medical bill. I can use my grant to pay medical bill.

Yes, yes. That’s right.

Which is capitalized, too. “Medical bill.”….You’re sure you can get me the ten grand?

We can get you ten grand.

But not the hundred grand?...I have one that’s kind of like rocky road ice cream except it has bratwurst in it --

What I’m trying to say to you –

--delicious.

--you can go for $100,000. It’s going to take a little longer. Plus, you’ll…end up paying $1,500 into lawyers’ fees.

Maybe if the lawyers hear what I’m doing. I mean, if they even just like French vanilla yogurt. I have one, and I just stick a gigantic piece of steak in there.

Yeah.

It’s awesome.

Yeah. And you take the $10,000 first. Later on when you have the money, you can apply for the other grants also.

I’ll do it that way. I’ll send you the money order and then maybe I’ll send you…some yogurt. What’s your favorite flavor?

Strawberries.

Strawberries?...Okay, I do have a good strawberry yogurt. Do you like lamb at all? It has a piece of tender, tender lamb in it. And I put mint jelly, so it’s like strawberry, lamb, and mint jelly.

Great.

All right, well, thanks for your help.

OK, no problem.

-- Craig Malisow



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