But at Least the Guns Aren’t Gay…

Categories: Spaced City
Oh, wait, can't we get sued for running a picture of Tom Cruise next to the word "gay"? Shoot.
So 19 guns are missing from the HPD property room, the Chron reports this morning. Two other guns that had gone missing were found during a traffic stop and a drug case. Things have a way of just walking out of the evidence room. In February, a crime lab employee was busted for intent to sell 57 lbs. of cocaine smuggled out of the lab. Fifty-seven pounds! That’s Tony-freaking-Montana blow right there. Some people might consider these breaches a serious problem – after all, some of those guns might wind up in the hands of those dangerous New Orleans people, right? So let’s look to the city’s leaders for some words of encouragement:

Police Chief Harold Hurt: “We are committed to establish and provide proper security protocols and will take steps to ensure there is proper management oversight of evidence and property in our custody. As a matter of fact, it should be noted, it was our own internal checks and balances that led to the discovery of the missing weapons.”

OK, that statement is so fucked up that it’s best to just give Hurtt the benefit of the doubt and say he was momentarily possessed by demons when he said that. Really retarded demons.

Harris County DA Chuck Rosenthal: "The problem with the Houston Police Department and with the Department of Public Safety is they have to hire employees out of the human race. You are going to get some good ones, and you get some bad ones…I don't know of any way a person can be screened to be sure they are not going to be a criminal."

Clearly, Rosenthal never saw Minority Report. It’s so easy, dude. The technology is out there to prevent crimes before they happen. Otherwise, I guess there’s nothing you can do. It’s in God’s hands. But it’s only a few missing guns – it’s not like we’re talking about a Bible sculpture or the looming specter of two dudes getting it on in their own bedroom. Then we’d really have a crisis.

But seriously, Rosenthal, check out Minority Report. It has dudes on jetpacks! -- Craig Malisow


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