The Astrodome Speaks

Categories: Whatever
You should know that the Astrodome doesn't grant interviews to just anyone.

Remember the news that NFL stadiums, including Reliant, were targets for a dirty bomb attack? When the threats turned out to be a hoax, we moved on. But some other news outlets, such as our pals at KHOU, followed up with dirty-bomb-making pieces.

We'd heard from just about everyone on this story, but there was one person, or entity, who was conspicuously absent from the reports: the Astrodome.

The quickest way to contact the Dome is through his MySpace page, which is totally worth a visit. You'll find that A. Dome is searching for "Single female domed stadiums, including D.I.L.F's." His MySpace friends include Yankee Stadium and Rally Monkey. He's an Aries and a country music fan. "Don't get me started on those whiney emo guys," he says.

The venerable stadium smacks a fellow local sports venue in one of his blogs, and doesn't mince words about his neighbor, Reliant Stadium:

... Now this monstrosity next door gets my Super Bowl (not the first time I lost this game to another Houston venue)... My God, what a ghastly place... Let's see, notable milestones in Reliant Stadium history?: "Wardrobe Malfunction", thank you... You've got a long way to go, punk...

Dome, or should I say "Mr." Dome (he's a 41-year-old male), agreed to an exclusive interview regarding the recent bomb scare. He was refreshingly frank, if a little grumpy. — Steven Devadanam

Steven Devadanam: How did you first react to the news about the dirty bomb threat?

Astrodome: I didn't give it a second thought. I've received numerous bomb threats over the years.

Did you feel left out at all, considering only your neighbor Reliant Stadium was named in them?

AD: Like I wanna get blown to smithereens. I recently dodged a bullet in the form of a demolition crew when Harris County recently approved a plan to renovate me into a hotel/convention center. Like we need another one of those.

Did Reliant Stadium say anything to you? Was he scared?

AD: We are not on speaking terms. But he didn't seem like his normal self last week, what with Homeland Security sweeping through him. They paid me a courtesy visit, but I could tell it was more out of respect to my greatness rather than any real threat.

He's not as tough as he looks, is he?

AD: The so called "Jewel of the NFL" and Enron Field, or whatever they call it these days...

You mean Minute Maid Park -- or the Juice Box?

AD: Yeah, they are blights on Houston's landscape like so many strip centers. These garish monstrosities are already looking pretty run down. Notice how it takes two stadiums to replace the "8th Wonder of the World?"

You seem a little bitter. Could there any chance that you're behind these bomb threats?

AD: I'm offended by this question.

Look, don't lose your, um, dome. I'm just saying that if anything ever happened to Reliant Stadium (God forbid), you'd be next in line.

AD: Okay, I will dignify it with a response. Once you get past the loss of life, as tragic as that would be, tickets will have to be sold and replacing season ticket holders is not that easy, particularly with the product the Texans have put on the field of late. A more logical replacement, from a butts-in-seats standpoint, is my homey Rice Stadium. But most likely the team would be relocated, so if you wanna point fingers you might look in the direction of the Los Angeles Coliseum.

Would you be intimidated by a bomb threat?

AD: Bring it on.

That's very Luv Ya Blue of you. Speaking of old skool, back in your day, how would you and other arenas respond to a wussy threat like this?

AD: I can't speak for other venues. But I might have dispatched the 1979 Houston Oilers to take on the likes of Al-Qaeda and The Taliban. Those North Dallas Forty guys may have been Hollywood crazy, but the '79 Oilers were truly crazed and could really wreak havoc and mayhem. HazMat used to have to visit their locker room after every victory.

Bomb threats aside, your fate is still sort of up in the air. How would you like to go out? Maybe as an AstroCasino?

AD: I'd much rather be converted to a NASCAR track or Ultimate Fighting venue. But it sure beats meeting the fate of my late great pal the Kingdome, God rest his soul.


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