Where My Pirates At?

Categories: Spaced City
Lloyd Lively
"Yar, let's find us a movie critic!"

I think it's a beauty that media outlets, both local and national, have jumped on the whole pirate bandwagon, what with the juggernaut that is Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest. The Today Show had a segment that showed viewers how to dress like a pirate. The Chron has recently dedicated several pages to pirate lore, even teaching you how to speak pirate.

I'd like to point out that we jumped on this bandwagon too — back in April. I've become fast friends with the H-town pirate peeps such as the Texican Privateers, and was delighted when they invited me to their pirate-only party celebrating the premiere of POTC2. (That's Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest to you non-buccaneers.)

So last Friday night, I drove out to the Star Cinema Grill on NASA Rd. 1. I arrived at the theater and joined the swashbucklin' throng. I paid Pirate Lloyd Lively me bleedin' cash, but abast — there weren't no place to sit. (I didn't have the heart to take the handicapped seating.) There'd be no pirate party for this scurvy dog. Dissed, I drove home. I still haven't seen the blasted flick. To quote Keira Knightley (and who wouldn't?) in POTC: "Bloody pirates!"

But hey, it's all in keeping with rule No. 1 of the pirate code. I've just now heard back from Pirate Lloyd about the party. (Pirates apparently work on PST -- Pirate Standard Time -- and thus aren't the most punctual.) His event, which raised funds to pay for local welder Randy Garner's treatment after an explosion left him with third-degree burns, was a success.

Natch, Lloyd can barely keep his sword in his scabbard when it comes to talking about the new Pirates flick.

It's "very Yar!" (a sign of pirate approval), he says. "I definitely give it five hooks!" Lloyd's advice to anyone who has yet to see the movie (you know, like me, Lloyd): Sit through all the credits. Some of the scenes may make you queasy, so bring some Dramamine. And if you're at a place that serves drinks, order rum. (Well duh.)

Yep, Lloyd and his pillaging pals are in pirate nirvana. Nothing can kill their rum buzz — save a negative review, one by our esteemed film critic Robert Wilonsky. Seems Lloyd takes issue with Wilonsky's assessment that POTC2 is essentially a big commercial for the third Pirates installment.

"It's a cliffhanger," says Lloyd. It's widely known that these two movies were filmed together. If this is a commercial for the next movie, then the first two Lord of the Rings movies were commercials for the last one." (Hey, easy there, Lloyd. You don't want elves on your ass, do you?)

So is this a duel? Does Lloyd want Wilonsky to walk the plank?

Nah, he says. "Robert Wilonsky must be a land-lubber that has no salt in his veins."

We beg to differ, Lloyd. We know for a fact that the man has plenty of salt in his veins. Plenty. -- Steven Devadanam


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