Red State Style

"I'm going for Billy Joe Armstrong meets MySpace."
Houston's hipsters know that no matter how hard they try, without a trip to NYC they're simply not going to end up on Blue States Lose, the venerable (and imitable) Gawker column that each week takes that city's "normal" people into the bowels of Manhattan nightlife. But fear not, brave hipster. Thanks to the hard work of Matthew Marand over at One October Night we can now present Red State Style, an irregularly appearing tribute to Dirty Third's own brand of dirty hipster. We've scoured the pics from the past few weeks and will now heap both bile and vitriol upon the most deserving of the Montrosians. Special points go to those whose pieces of flair give off that special Texas vibe. We're talking Texas flags, bottles of Shiner, boots and anyone wearing a grill. Sadly, this week's samplings feature -- for the most part -- rip-offs of the New York scene. So get on it, H-tizzy! Show us what you got.

For those of you not familiar with Blue States Lose, the best way to view the photos is to read the caption then click on the link.

10.) Starbucks Mixed Media Series. Image 46.
Might as well start with an easy one. When this guy woke up in the morning he knew he had to show off both his patriotism and his penis. When he remembered the Star-Spangled wrestling outfit from junior high in his attic he knew he was golden. Add a cape and bowtie, and we give you "SuperHipsterMan." America! Fuck yeah!

9.) Ellie's Birthday Party. Image 21.
This photo really sums up what we're going for here. Stupid faces, incongruous TV references and asymmetrical haircuts. At first we thought Jeannie there might be wishing the pair would take off. Then we saw the photo on the refrigerator and realized she was trying to parse the space time continuum. Visit that house tomorrow and this'll be hanging on the fridge.

8.) Debbie D at the Proletariat. Image 11.
It looks like Tall Guy has insulted Little Guy, but really, they're just trading shampoo secrets. It's like a scenester version of the "Best Friends Test." Do you guys use the same shampoo? Your answer doesn't even matter. I can tell you're best friends because you had to look at each other before you answered.

7.) Starbucks Mixed Media Series. Image 126.
At first glance we assumed this was just another lady showing off her lumps. Then we realized she wore a patchwork skirt to a quilting exhibit. Then we saw she was holding Bazooka bubble gum and that her hair color was a total homage to Zena. Touche, salesman. Now we're looking for Mort and Metaldude.

6.) Starbucks Mixed Media Series. Image 35.
Yeah, our outfits were going to be perfectly balanced. Grey and black, like the Yin and Yang, but with less moral clarity. Then doofus here forgot his scarf and the whole thing went to hell.

5.) Starbucks Mixed Media Series. Image 44.
- I love the way your boobs pop out when you wear your messenger bag. You're so skinny when you smoke.
— Thanks. Hey, can I borrow some polka dots?

4.) Starbucks Mixed Media Series. Image 44.
It's a party right? That's why I'm wearing nail polish. I didn't have time to shave, but when I got here and realized that my color totally matched the new frappuccinos I decided I'd just carry them around see what happens. Say, do you like older men?

3.) Debbie D at the Proletariat. Image 50.
What up homiez! I only drink Mickey's malt liquor and I only wear my hair in a mullet. The irony is so thick you can't even handle this white boy hanging out at the hip-hop show! What? You're not buying it? Fine. How about this? See, you can't handle it! I'm all like gender queer, bitch! What you're not buying it? Fine. I'll make out with Sparks tongue. That'll show you.

2.) Debbie D at the Proletariat. Image 5.
We're tempted to just label this guy Houston's Steve Aoki and be done with it. But Aoki has all his teeth. And none of them are gold. Plus, that facial hair isn't really styled at all. And he wrote K-I-L-L on his knuckles. Sorry, dude. Better luck next time.

1.) Debbie D at the Proletariat. Image 107.
Life got you down? Do you feel like others are staring at you? Do social situations make you crumple to the floor? Do you wonder why you're here? Do your glasses not match you fishnet stockings? Come take our free personality test and find out why Xenu is right for you. -- Ray Hafner



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