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While the “big” Texas story right now may be the Eldorado raid, a lesser-publicized – but no less important – drama has been playing out in Austin. Background: a bunch of actors are there to shoot Tree of Life, directed by Terrence Malick, perhaps best known for turning James Jones’ Thin Red Line into a three-hour nature film.

Among the cast is Brad Pitt, who is apparently a bit strapped for cash, what with raising 18 children of varying hues. According to the New Zealand Herald, Pitt and wife Angelina Jolie was flabbergasted by the $2,000-night rate at the Lost Pines Resort and Spa. So they asked to pay $3,000 for a 30-day stay in a suite a bit removed from the main facility. Houstoned Theatre proudly presents this vignette of a renowned, talented, and down-on-their-luck couple.

For the second time, activists from University of Houston Students Against Sweatshops stormed President Renu Khator's office to demand she sign the Designated Suppliers Program, which would help protect the rights of workers who manufacture University apparel. And for the second time, Khator was not in her office, but this time the group had a giant, cardboard cutout of a phone receiver. The following is Houstoned Theatre’s Simpsons-inspired take on what probably went down.

Students: (Ring bell.)

Khator’s Secretary: Who is it?

Students: An angry mob.

Khator’s Secretary: Do you have an appointment?

And now HouStoned Theatre presents a dramatization of Bryan Jay Connelly’s aborted attempt to put a hit on the judge and prosecutor who put him in the slammer.

The curtain rises on Connelly standing in his cell, a rotten look on his mug, his ripped bare chest exposing his tats, Cape Fear-style. He’s talking to his court-appointed defender, Jonathan Cox, who’s standing on the other side of the bars.

Cox: So, Bry, I got your letter last week. You, uh, want to give me $5,000 to have me kill the judge and prosecutor?

Connelly: (mustering an evil grin, and speaking in a throaty whisper) Maybe I do, and maybe I don’t, counselor.

Cox: (holding up letter) Well, it says right here, ‘I, Bryan Jay Connelly, want you, Jonathan Cox, to have the judge and prosecutor killed. And for this, I, Bryan Jay Connelly, will pay you $5,000.’

Connelly: (chuckles menacingly) I guess you’ll have to read between the lines, counselor.

And now HouStoned Theatre presents a dramatization of what could be going on right now in the parking garage across the street from the Houston Press building. Naturally, our definition of "what could be going on" comes from watching too many bad cop movies.

“Look, buddy, I know what you’re going through. I just lost my partner. He only had two weeks until retirement before that bastard Mendoza gunned him down. And my wife of 16 years just left me, took my baby girl with her. I know what it’s like, man, to feel the world crashing down around you. But it’s just not worth it, man. Now just put down the gun and let’s talk.” – Keith Plocek

And now HouStoned Theatre presents an interpretation of what exactly went down when DPS troopers pulled over an alleged drunk driver last night and were informed of the location of an alleged cockfighting ring.

Officer: License and insurance, please.

Driver: Yezzur, Ocifer.

Officer: You been drinking tonight?

Driver: Um, nozzur.

Officer: You sure about that? Your speech seems pretty slurred.

Driver: Naw, man, I wuz just, um, coming back from a meth lab.

Officer: Excuse me?

And now HouStoned Theatre presents a Jorge Luis Borges-inspired conversation between Keith Plocek, staff writer for the Houston Press, and Keith Plocek, student at the University of Texas at Austin, circa 1998.

Old Keith: So did you hear about the news?

Young Keith: Whoa. How'd you get here, man?

OK: I thumped myself on the back.

YK: Crazy. So which one is the real me? I mean, who am I really? Who is anyone?

OK: Slow down, buddy. I'm here to talk about the news. Apparently UT-Austin was voted the best party school in the nation in a Princeton Review survey of 115,000 students.

YK: But how can it be news if it hasn't even happened yet?

OK: Look, I know there's nothing I can do to stop you, but I'm gonna say it anyway: That philosophy degree you're so pysched about? Total waste of time.

YK: You don't know me, man.

OK: Um, right. So what's it like to attend the best party school in the nation?

YK: It's all right, I guess. I mean, it's totally easy to score booze, not to mention other substances. You ever been to Eeyore's Birthday, man? It's a total trip.

OK: Are you even paying attention to what's going on here?

YK: Don't be such a buzz-kill, man.

OK: Okay, back to the question: How's it feel to attend the number one party school in the nation?

YK: I don't know what you mean.

OK: Are you high?

YK: Now who's the one not paying attention?

OK: Oh, stupid question, I guess. Anyway, so what's it like? Are there parties everywhere?

YK: It's beautiful, man. Look at all the pretty colors. I feel one with the universe. I can see sounds.

OK: Um, okay... I guess this wasn't such a good idea after all. I mean, you're not even making sense.

YK: You don't know me, man.

OK: There you go again. That must be my cue to exit. But one more thing before I leave: After you graduate and go backpacking through Central America, be sure to keep your dad's camera locked up. That's all I'm saying.

YK: Peace, dude.

OK: Later.

-- Keith Plocek

And now, HouStoned Theatre presents a Quentin Tarantino-inspired dramatization of today's Chron story of an alleged thief -- a thief who has preyed upon local 99 Cent stores (up to 30 of them, in fact, say police).

Curtain up, lights aaaaaaaaaaand... action:

(Thief, rubbing hands together)

"People never rob dollar stores. Bars, liquor stores, gas stations -- you get your head blown off stickin' up one of them. But a dollar store, you catch them with their 'slightly irregular' pants down. They're not expecting to be robbed. They're too busy rearranging the bulk razors to even notice.

"The managers don't give a fuck. They're just trying to get you out the door before you start pluggin' bargain hunters. Customers are standing there with gigantic packages of soap in their hands — they don't know what's going on. One minute they're trying to decide between plastic and wood hangers, or maybe they're wondering why it's called a 'dollar store' when not everything in there costs a dollar, and next minute somebody's stickin' a gun in their face.

"Pretty smart, huh? Let's do it.

"You ready, Honey Bunny? Um, Honey Bunny? Where'd you go?"

(Thief looks around, sees no one but man at counter)

"Damn, I must've been talking to myself again. I'm the only one here. Well, that's no excuse.

"Be cool, this is a robbery! Any of you fuckin' pricks move and I'll execute every last one of you!" — Keith Plocek and Steven Devadanam