​Sunriiiiiise, sunset

Sunriiiiiise, sunset

Swiftly flow the days

You guys, I can't believe we've come so far together. We've had so many ups and downs, so much laughter and so many tears. When I began the season of Dancing With the Stars, I was but a boy, but now, I am a bitter, wizened man. I have seen things that would make warriors weep and soccer moms applaud. I have seen the best minds of my generation destroyed by reality TV.

Tom Bergeron and Lady Co-Host looked extra fancy as they introduced all the dancers, and I mean all of them. All the losers were back, like Snowboarder and Model and Dazzle Me Dreamy. Because why not? They strutted in as the band played the Black Eyed Peas' "Tonight." Quick reminder: If you like the Black Eyed Peas, you need to have a friend beat you senseless.

There was a screw-up with the taped recap, too. Live TV! Like a minute into the tape, the feed cut out and was replaced by the head of Miss Piggy, facing away from the camera. No music, no talking. Just the silence accompanying a Muppet head whose eyes you can't see. It was way too much like The Ring for me. Tom jumped in with a "Did I mention our show is live?" before tossing to a commercial. Best moment of the series?

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​Do you smell that? That potent mixture of stardust, flop sweat, and desperation? It's like burnt cinnamon and broken dreams. And it can mean only one thing: The final week of Dancing With the Stars.

The show's whole pointlessness was driven home in Tom Bergeron's opening narration, when he reminded viewers that "it doesn't matter how they scored" because it's the final showdown for the remaining three contestants. Then WHY KEEP SCORE AT ALL DUDES. The scores aren't cumulative and are factored into viewer votes and producer directives in ways I can't even fathom, so why do it? Whatevs. At least last night's competition ep was only 90 minutes long, or 17 when you fast-forward and just make up what happened. (Kidding!)

It was down to Donny Osmond, Kelly Osbourne, and Mya. Before the ep started, I picked Mya to win, though I'd like to see Kelly take it if only because nobody counted on her to get so far. Kelly got to kick things off, too, starting with a tango that was nice and wait a minute why is Denise Richards in the audience? Also, Kelly's brother, Jack, finally showed. Way to hop on the bandwagon at the end, dude. She got a 26.

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Kelly Osbourne gives her best "suck it, you model bitch" pose.

​This is it. The ninth week of Dancing With the Stars has now come and gone. Only now do I understand the bittersweet joy of watching a baby grow up.

This week's pointless encore command performance was Mya's salsa, which had earned her a perfect 30 the night before. Len Goodman touted her "tooty fruity booty" in his intro, which was as physically repulsive as you'd imagine. There was also even more filler and teases than ever, as Tom would hint that a loser/winner would be revealed but then cut to a commercial. It's the American Idol formula. There was even a comp video where all the contestants talked about how awesome the other contestants were.

Case in point: A dance number from the upcoming movie musical Nine, which some people might think was featured on DWTS because of all the dancing and underwear and needing to kill time, but you and I know it's because Nine is from Miramax, a part of Disney, which owns ABC. Synergy: impress your friends!

Then it was time for a performance by Alicia Keys that was honestly kind of bland and made me wonder what happened to the girl who sang "Fallin.'"

But then holy shit, HOLY SHIT, there was a music video in which the four remaining contestants lip-synced "Under Pressure." Way to kill a great song. Apparently it's tough being a low-level celebrity who gets compensated for being on a reality show? The best moment was the toss back to the live action, when Tom Bergeron shrugged and looked around the room and said, "Apparently doesn't improve lip-syncing skills." Tom wins forever. Seriously, has there ever been a show where the host so clearly didn't give a shit what was happening?

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​You guys! YOU GUYS! We're closer to the end of Dancing With the Stars than I'd thought! The grid at Futon Critic only had the show running through next week, the 24th. And then, like manna from sequined heaven, Tom Bergeron confirmed at the top of last night's competition ep that next week will indeed be the end of the season. Happy Thanksgiving, indeed.

We're down to four: Donny, Kelly, Joanna, and Mya. Let's skip right past the part where we breathlessly look back at the week before and just get right to the awkward dancing.

Donny got this partay started with a tango, which I think we'll all remember from True Lies. This one did not end with a rocking snowmobile chase, though, but with an awkward bitch-slapping by prissy judges. He messed up a few times and earned a 21, which can't be good for his standings. Joanna followed with a Viennese waltz set to a syrupy cover of Leonard Cohen's "Hallelujah" that made me wish ill upon all the children of the world. But she got a 27. Weirdly, she might be able to go down to the wire on this.

Kelly Osbourne was next with the rumba, though the rehearsal footage tried to mine extra tears by talking about how her dog just died. NOT FAIR ABC. Plus she's all adorable and nice, and the only recognizable human among the contestants, and she did a great job. She got a 24, because the judges are grading on a tougher curve and I cannot believe I now understand this show.

Mya rounded out the first ... round ... with a waltz that was predictably solid and earned her a 28. This thing is pretty much hers to lose, though it'd be nice if Kelly took it for some reason.

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Goodbye, sweet douchebag. Fare thee well.

​It's the eighth week of Dancing With the Stars, and I think we all deserve a warm thanks for making it so far. Although really, most of you aren't watching the show and only read these blog posts with a sick fascination to see if I've actually snapped and killed anyone yet. And the few of you who do watch the show are crazier than I am.

The results show kicked off, as always, with a repeat command performance of a dance from the night before. This time it was Joanna's batshit "futuristic" paso doble complete with lights on her dress. And yet, because this is a strange and confusing world, Joanna was the first one declared safe, putting her in the final four. (There's a really bad Big Dance pun in there somewhere, but I don't wanna pull it out. Feel free to write your own, kids!)

First musical performance of the night: Michael Buble. Some women in the crowd started cheering right when he started singing, like they recognized the song, so maybe it was his hit or something. I had no idea. He's got a good voice, and definitely working his easy listening niche, but if he's not careful, he's gonna be the new old Rod Stewart.

Also safe for now: Mya, which come on, no shit. She's bound to go down the final two.

Then it was a HILARIOUS -- I wish there were bigger letters! -- segment called "DanceCenter," in which SportsCenter anchor Kenny Mayne, who appeared on DWTS' second season, did a parody of the ESPN show with Len Goodman and Jerry Rice. Think about how funny that sounds, now multiply it times an infinity of rainbows. Then KEEP GOING. The bit also used Stacy Keibler, also of the second season of DWTS, as a "field correspondent." One assumes it's because the type of dudes who watch Mayne on TV also tend to relax at the end of the day with an image of Keibler. You know who you are, Guy Who Lived Next To Me In The Dorm Freshman Year.

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It's NOT Donny Osmond!

​Holy flurking schnit! It's week eight of Dancing With the Stars, which for those who don't know is when the rubber made of stardust meets the road made of awesome and the car of dreams speeds off into, um, Kickassville. I'm just kidding; the show's still incredibly boring! Fooled you!

There are only five couples left by now, but rather than make the episodes shorter, the producers have just doubled the dancing, making everyone perform two individual dances this week, one ballroom and one Latin where they "dance through the decades," per the breathless intro from Tom Bergeron and Lady Co-Host.

Before the dancing could even start, there were more taped "interviews." Then it was almost Mya's turn, but they had to kill half a minute with footage of her and her partner riding horses to relax. What the what? That's a bad sign of how much filler will be in the show from here on out. Mya's quick-step won over the judges with a 29, which wasn't surprising; she's the odds-on favorite to take the whole contest. I say give it to her now and let us all go home. Aaron Carter did a fox trot in what looked like a silk shirt and velvet pants and vest, but only got a 23. Joanna and her partner started in the audience (WHOA CRAZY) before skipping on down to the dance floor and spinning in bland circles for a couple minutes. Honestly, at this point in the contest, unless someone drops their partner or stabs an audience member, there's not a lot to distinguish the stars' performances. She got a 23, too.

Next up was Kelly Osbourne, who's still my personal favorite, with a fox trot that nabbed a 25. Donny Osmond's Viennese waltz freaking wowed the judges and got a 26. Lady once again jumped in to remind viewers to call or text or send anthrax letters with their votes.

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Last night was the seventh elimination round of this season's Dancing With the Stars, and the second one to see two people go home. I guess at this point in the season the gimmick is starting to wear off? In which case, why not just have fewer contestants to start? Then again, when 16.4 million people still tune in to the competition eps like Monday's, maybe I don't know what America wants. Let's do this!

Tom Bergeron and Lady Co-Host wasted no time before introducing the dancers who did the team tango from the previous night to repeat their performance, which moment was when your trust TV blogger hit fast-forward. I'd already gazed upon the horrors of a sleeveless Donny Osmond grinding his blonde partner on Monday. No need to repeat it.

Revealed as safe for this round: Kelly Osbourne (GOOD). In the bottom three: Mark Dacascos, so he'd either get the boot or have to do the dance-off.

The first musical guest of the night was Colbie Caillat with "Fallin' For You." If you're wondering who she is, well, she's the daughter of the guy who produced Fleetwood Mac's Rumours, and people like that get record deals. She wasn't terrible or anything, but the song was something you'd hear in a trailer for a romantic comedy starring Matthew McConaughey.

Also safe: Donny. In the bottom three: Michael Irvin (GOOD). How has that guy made it this long?

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A heated competition where anything's possible and the winners are usually juicing: That's right, folks, it's the seventh week of Dancing With the Stars. Let's do it!

This week saw another double-dance night -- one individual, one team -- to be followed by another double elimination. And I know I've said this for way too many weeks running, but this has to be the week Michael Irvin finally sucks so much he goes home. HAS TO BE. I have no idea how he's stuck around.

Even with all the dancing that needed to be done, the episode opened with the pros dancing just for the hell of it. Come on! At least save the shameless padding for the results show. The rules for the night: Each star would dance alone, then they'd all be split into two teams to compete for a team score, which would then be added to their individual scores and there's no way you're still reading this paragraph.

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His partner may or may not be the devil. Just look at those eyes!

​Last night's Dancing With the Stars results show kicked off in an even more insanely dramatic fashion than normal. The montage of clips from the competition ep featured fireball cuts and blood and heavy metal! It's like Stephen Colbert without the irony. It was all because this week saw the elimination of two of the "stars," as will next week. Bring on the filler!

Tom Bergeron and Lady Co-Host wasted no time talking about the dance-off that was moments away, but before they'd even gotten out like two sentences, they turned things over to the earnestly mediocre pop-country singer Taylor Swift, whose name sounds way too porny for me not to worry about her future. Why was she there? Good ol' vertical integration! She's up for entertainer of the year at the Country Music Association Awards, airing sometime soon (I didn't bother to note when) on, yes, ABC.

Blah blah, let's do some cutting. Safe for now: Joanna and Mark. Unrelated: Donny Osmond wore a green sequined jacket that threatened to melt my eyes.

The night's second network plug went to Eastwick, whose stars were assembled on the front row for a brief shout-out from Tom. I didn't even know Sara Rue was on that show, or that she was still alive. And there's poor old Rebecca Romijn Stamos Carlson O'Connell, still kicking as well. Good grief, does anyone even watch that show?

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​Holy crap, you guys! It's week six of Dancing With the Stars! I thought I'd be dead by now. Tom Bergeron's trademark breathless intro made it sound like the celebrities on this show have been at war or something instead of just wearing sequined shirts and soaking up some free press, but he did bring good news: This week and next will see double eliminations. See? The good balances out the bad. Last night's dances were the waltz and the jitterbug, so, you know, there's also that. Plus it was also apparently dance marathon night? This is a ridiculous amount of crap to do in two hours. At this point in the season, they should just cut the competition eps to an hour.

Mya kicked things off with a jitterbug complete with randomly 1950s-ish costumes that made the number feel like something you'd see at Six Flags. Judge Len Goodman shut her down with, "The last refuge of the untalented is gimmicks and props." Sick burn! Mark also did a jitterbug, but the finer points were lost on me because his partner decided to dress like the French maid from Clue. Aaron Carter's suit was, I think, velvet, which made him look a little like Gay Skeletor, but his waltz went over really well with the judges.

Are the dances longer now because there are fewer contestants? THEY BETTER NOT BE.

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