Rob Lowe will soon join the cast of Parks and Recreation.

​The dog days are upon us, the networks are planning for fall, and there's always money in the banana stand. This was the week in TV Land:

• The Television Critics Association summer press tour has been going on for the past few days. The biannual event is a chance for networks to preview material for critics at an expo in Los Angeles and try their hardest to avoid looking bad. I can't begin to sum up all the mundane ins and outs of the TCA tour; check out The Live Feed or HitFix for extensive recaps from panels about shows you will forget existed by this time next year. Some interesting news for some of my favorite comedies, though: Rob Lowe has been added to the cast of Parks and Recreation as a series regular, and 30 Rock will air a live episode in October, one for each coast.

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Um...really? This was it? This was the best you could do, America?

​And so, the ninth season of American Idol comes to a lumbering and terrible end. The show is frequently boring and often aggressive in its desire to force viewers to sit through bad guest performances, but even by the show's own standards, last night's season finale was a brutal exercise in torment. It was sloppily executed and horribly planned, and worst of all, the wrong person won.

The show's production values are often iffy, but last night was packed with technical errors: Missed cues, bad cuts, microphone errors, and other problems kept cropping up. This isn't some live special that only happens once a year, like the Oscars; this is a show that airs its main event episodes live every week and has for nine seasons. To be making so many mistakes this far in shows a total lack of skill, and worse, an attitude of disdain for the viewers. It's as if the producers are openly acknowledging that they don't have to try hard because they've got the biggest show on the air, and they'll get the viewers anyway. The whole episode was shamelessly amateur.

The line-up of guest stars was somehow impressive and depressing at once. Every time one of the top 12 contestants -- who were all back for plenty of atrocious performances -- started a song, the original artist would come out to take over. We got the two remaining Bee Gees, Alanis Morissette, Hall & Oates, Janet Jackson, Michael McDonald, Christina Aguilera, Bret Michaels (who is apparently not sick enough to turn down a paying gig), Chicago, and Joe Cocker, because this is 1982. (Lamest moment: The line in "You Oughta Know" was changed to "Would she go down with you to a theater." Like we're not gonna notice?) Every time one of those acts performed, I felt like I was watching an ad for one of those oldies tours that plays on PBS. No one could hit the high notes in any of their songs. None. I wondered if this was a high-concept nod to Lee DeWyze's singing style, but I realized it was really just a bunch of performers sliding past their prime.

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So close to never having to listen to any of you ever again. At least until next year.

​Here's the thing, dog: My cable went out about 20 minutes before American Idol started. A lengthy call with a Comcast tech named Edgar yielded the knowledge that there's apparently a weak signal plaguing my TV or box, and every channel below 13 displayed a black screen with no sound. Even when others came back, channel 9 -- Fox -- held firm in its resistance to return to service. The problem carried over to programs I wanted to record on Fox, as well, meaning I wasn't able to watch Idol live or time-shifted.

But! Thanks to some enterprising YouTubers willing to skirt piracy issues, I was able to watch the performance clips from the episode, which turned out to be a great way to get the relevant information without having to wade through the banter, tangents, and other padding that detracts from the main event. So while I didn't suffer experience the episode in full, I did get to see the two remaining contestants take their last three swings at the crown. Based on what I saw, I think -- and hope -- that Crystal takes it.

Lee and Crystal each sang three songs last night: one of their choosing, one at the behest of overlord Simon Fuller, and one that was dubbed their "coronation song" and would be their first released single if they win. The performances alternated between contestants so they could make the requisite costume changes, but I saw them in chunks, so that's what you'll get.

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Stop it. Just...stop it.

​Last night's elimination episode of American Idol felt like the last day of school: Everyone knew what would happen, and there wasn't much action in the first place, so everything just kind of floated along until the inevitable final moments. A few weeks back, Mike started slipping a bit while Lee began to make a serious comeback and get out of his shell, and the likelihood of a Lee-Crystal showdown in the finals became a certainty long before now. Still, even for all its padding, and the appearance of some truly noxious people, it was a surprisingly enjoyable filler episode.

The only thing to do last night was watch videos of the contestants as they spent a day in their respective hometowns playing concerts and riding in parades. These video packages, manipulative though they were, still managed to capture some of the most genuine moments of the entire season as Lee, Crystal, and Casey by turns broke into tears when they began to realize just how much hometown goodwill was being sent their way. It was a nice reminder that these are young stars who still thrill at performing and find it almost unbelievable that they can draw a crowd. Lee turned into a weepy mess when he went back to the Chicago paint shop where he used to work, but it felt completely authentic.

The studio performances, though, were remarkably bad, especially for this late in the game. Someone named Travis Garland performed, and I knew I wouldn't like him -- would, in fact, probably hate him -- when Ryan walked over to Perez Hilton to let him do the intro honors. For the blessedly ignorant, Perez Hilton is a gossip blogger and generally trashy human being who gets paid a hurtful amount of money to draw semen on pictures with MS Paint. Sure enough, Garland, whom Perez "discovered," sang with a voice that sounded like a cat being assaulted in an alley. I'm pretty sure he just repeated the word "believe" for three and a half minutes in lieu of actual lyrics.

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​The annoying thing about last night's American Idol is that of the three remaining contestants, two are in a close race with the third lagging so far behind that no one's pretending he's got a chance. I'm talking, of course, about Casey. His two performances last night were both average, and even when giving him faint praise, the judges couldn't move much past wishing him well and telling him to continue in the direction he's going. This is all going to come down to a showdown between Lee and Crystal. We just have to wait a week out of formality.

Everybody did two songs: one they picked and one assigned by the judges. The contestants' picks were performed in the top half of the show, followed in the bottom half by brief videos of their trips home -- always with the AT&T store sign prominently in the background -- where they received texts on their AT&T phones and announced to fans what the judges' song choices were. It was a not very interesting way to reveal the tunes, but I'm sure the results episode will be padded with more trip footage.

Casey chose "OK, It's Alright With Me," by Eric Hutchinson, and the song came out sounding like Huey Mraz. Kara and Randy assigned him to sing John Mayer's "Daughters," which was hilarious if only because Kara had spent the season asking Casey for more vocal range and then vigorously defended her decision to give him a song with limited number of notes. You could tell in Casey's eyes as he wrapped his second song that he knew he wouldn't win.

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​Last night's Idol took us down to the top three contestants, but as expected, it took a long time to get there. The thing is, at this point the filler doesn't even feel like filler any more, just as the eliminations don't even feel real. This is the end of the 18th week of the season, and the show is built on such a hurry-up-and-wait premise that all the starts and stops have depleted its energy and killed the drama. There's a reason that the singers who get eliminated or who are forced to sing for the judges' save can surpass expectations: That kind of pressure in the moment is a fantastic motivator. The problem is that the whole show is about whether or not you'll get voted off that week, and after five months the singers and viewers become kind of numb to the whole thing.

Jamie Foxx may have been this week's mentor, but that didn't mean he was gonna show up at CBS Television City and actually cheer for these kids. (Though I'm grateful he wasn't around to "sing" one of his "songs.") Instead, we got Idol names of the past. Fantasia, who won the third season, led off the show, and later on there was a performance from Daughtry. They both seem like very nice and likeable people, and I am sure they have wonderful families and love their dogs, but they're both such derivative performers that it's hard to get excited about their music. Like Fantasia? Do yourself a favor and listen to Lauryn Hill. Caught yourself nodding along to Daughtry? Give your money to Live. The question isn't so much their quality as their originality, you know? Why someone would think Daughtry was somehow better or preferable to the already known blandness of Nickelback is beyond me.

Bon Jovi also performed, but I just felt bad for them, you know? Jon Bon Jovi is 48, and there's no way Slippery When Wet appeals to Lady Gaga fans. You could tell Bon Jovi was thinking the same thing the entire time, too.

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What does this have to do with crooning, Frank Sinatra and Harry Connick Jr.? Absolutely nothing.

​I was amazed, if not exactly surprised, at how much time Idol can kill in a one-hour results show. Now that we're down to just a handful of singers, the producers are really reaching for padding, which is why last night's elimination featured two medleys from the contestants instead of just one, as well as prolonged banter between Ryan and everybody he could get his hands on.

The five singers left at the top of the hour got things going with a medley of Sinatra songs, which eventually gave way to this week's Ford Fiesta ad. Even Ryan is having a hard time keeping a straight face while introducing these. Then there was a filler featurette about the work that goes into the Tuesday performances, from makeup to dress rehearsals, but the best part was the lighting stand-ins for the judges that go through the whole motions and give fake criticisms of the songs. There is a whole entire version of the episode that's fake and done right before the live one, right down to the fake judges. That would be something to see, if only for the inherent Charlie Kaufmanness of it.

Lady Gaga performed. I've only seen her perform a few times, and I was only able to make it halfway through the "Telephone" video. Half the time I just think of this video when I hear her name. The Fox camera crew had to move quick and the director had to keep changing angles to avoid showing too much of Lady Gaga's ass to the American viewing public, since she was wearing a fishnet-and-tape number she borrowed from Cher in 1989. It looked like a Cirque du Soleil number performed at a strip club, so I guess it was a success.

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Sorry, ol' blue eyes.

​This was Frank Sinatra week on American Idol, with Harry Connick, Jr. himself on hand to coach the contestants and write the arrangements. Basically, it was a chance for Big Mike to kill it while the other contestants tried to keep up, which is pretty much what happened. Most genre weeks let the contestants each find something that's in their wheelhouse, but the only real crooner in the group is Michael Lynche, and as a result, his was the most natural performance of the night.

Backing up: Things got off to their normal start with Ryan doing his little spiel with the judges. For some reason, Anthony Hopkins and Rob Reiner were in the audience last night, presumably with grandchildren, or maybe just cruising for tail. Connick also got the obligatory video intro before the performances got under way. It's safe to say he's the most legit musician to appear on the show this season, in terms of vocal skill and instrumental prowess. Sure, will.i.am got close, but Connick edged him out with his whole actually-being-a-singer thing.

First up was Aaron, dressed as an extra from Catch Me If You Can, but his new vest and hair couldn't cover up the fact that he doesn't have the chops for a song like "Fly Me to the Moon." At all. Even the judges could only go so far as to give him an A for effort, as if not turning a song into a country ballad was somehow a great achievement. I'm pretty sure he was slotted first so producers could get him out of the way for the bigger singers.

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​I think last night's American Idol was supposed to be country-themed, to go along with the Shania Twain songs the contestants sang on Tuesday, but as I should have known, any organization that thinks of Shania Twain as country is going to have some weird ideas about genre. Rascal Flatts stopped by to offer their nasal brand of bland pop, and every successive act seemed more determined than the last to be as forgettable as possible. Lady Antebellum performed, as did Sons of Sylvia, and those are both real things. The girl in Lady Antebellum seems to be going for a spray-tanned Stevie Nicks look, and every guy in Sons of Sylvia looks like the older brother from Boy Meets World, and both bands performed utterly dull, middle-of-the-road adult pop songs that were about independence or something. It was a brutal hour.

The product placement reached new heights, too. The Ford ad had a whole making-of featurette to go with it, plus the remaining six singers attempted some voice-over work in a plug for DreamWorks Animation's Shrek Forever After, coming this summer to a theater near you even though you've done nothing to deserve it. Cameron Diaz and Antonio Banderas even showed up for a brief moment before Ryan began the lengthy elimination process; how/why they couldn't show up last week to help raise ratings and money for charity is a question that went unasked.

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Yes, she's still alive. Yes, we were surprised, too.

​There's an unmistakable air of fatigue in the American Idol proceedings at this point in the season: "Idol Gives Back," which raised $45 million for worthy causes, has come and gone; the judges' save has been used; and we're down to just six contestants, which means we're rounding the home stretch even if the end isn't quite in sight. The lack of imagination and effort plagued the performances and the musical choices this week, as mentor/cougar/sometime corset-wearer Shania Twain descended from her Canadian palace to instruct the Idol contestants in the best way to perform really clunky pop-country. Even Crystal Bowersox, the odds-on favorite to win this thing, had an off week. It was just rough all around.

I knew we were in for a potentially rough time when Ryan said, "We are celebrating a very special songbook tonight: the music of Shania Twain." Things just got weirder from there. Really, though: They couldn't get anyone else? Shania already acted as a guest judge during the audition process. It reminded me of the way Victoria Beckham did a guest judge stint this year and then returned on "Idol Gives Back." It's as if the Idol producers got their talent in some kind of package deal that made it cheaper to just re-use them throughout the season.

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