Oh here go hell come.

​In some alternate universe, the streets of Houston are currently bathed in Miller Lite, Reliant Stadium and every bar in town is a watch party, with even the homeless folks are wearing soiled Texans jerseys. But alas, our Houston Texans only made it into the second round of the playoffs, and here we sit together, watching two teams from up north -- ew -- battling it out in Indianapolis for the Vince Lombardi trophy.

Welcome to Super Bowl XLVI, between the New England Patriots, led by dreamboat Tom Brady, and the New York Giants, led by Eli Manning, whose brother Peyton's shadow has been looming over the proceedings the past two weeks. This is a rematch, pitting the same two teams from Super Bowl XLII in 2008, which I lost $20 on. On the bright side, well there is no bright side.

If you are already watching NBC's pre-game programming, how much do you hate Pizza Hut right now, and/or did you finally break down and order something? The plugging and commercials are relentless. HD is also not doing the 60-year-old Bob Costas any favors either. But that redhead in the Century 21 ad? That's making watching the two hours before the game worth it.

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Jodi Sue Holmes: Do as I say, etc.?

​Shortly after their big debut on the Real Housewives of New Jersey, it has come to light that John Madison Holmes and his wife Jodi Sue might not get to enjoy whatever fruits their measure of fame might bring them.

As of today, "Matt" Holmes, 39, and his 36-year-old wife are out on bond in Parker County, Texas, awaiting court dates relating to charges of arson, insurance fraud and money laundering.

Holmes is the father of Ashley, the unbelievably entitled 20-year-old brat who lives with mom and regular cast member Jacqueline Laurita in the Garden State. Matt and Jodi Sue Holmes recently blew in from Texas and debuted on the Bravo TV show for a sort of intervention with Ashley.

At a swanky restaurant one afternoon, Ashley's two sets of parents told the immature youngster that she needed to pull her head out, quit partying and get a job. Nothing in this life comes for free...that was kind of the gist of their come to Jesus meeting.

Police and fire officials in Parker County might say that Matt and Jodi Sue Holmes would have done well to heed that advice themselves. In June, a Parker County fire marshal investigator ruled that the March fire that destroyed the couple's partially remodeled Saginaw home was arson.

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On this date in 1989, Nolan Ryan whiffed Rickey Henderson to become the first and still the only man to rack up 5,000 strikeouts.

With the Astros wheezing towards the finish line in their worst season ever, what better time to remember the most popular Astro ever? And what better way to do it than to look back on his five greatest off-field TV appearances?

5. This one looks to date back to early in his stint with the Astros. We're thinking this might have been a one-taker...

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Craig Hlavaty

​Charlie Sheen's tour stop in Houston last night wasn't a wash-out, a bomb, or the expensive meltdown that most in town had hoped for. In fact, he was embraced at every turn by fans of all stripes, with men and women alike fawning over him like he was a surviving Beatle, or at least someone in Mötley Crüe.

You can make a few assumptions about Houston taking Sheen in with such open arms. One being that his core audience isn't cynical like the rest of the country and can take him for what he is, or had made himself out to be.

The other angle you can take is that you live in a city with low cultural standards where stupidity reigns on high. Believe either one or neither, but the man nearly sold out the venue, and had most every ass in each seat holding a piece of merch he was selling in the lobby.

I was there with the Sheeniuses from beginning to end, cradling my cellphone, a camera, extra batteries for each, and an open mind. I'm not a warlock or a goddess, but I like a good, batshit, American story. Here's the Twitter play-by-play...

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​On the latest "Between The Lines" segment on CW 39's Newsfix, I unloaded about the horror of Houston not receiving a space shuttle, now that the NASA program is over with. Hopefully Florida, Washington, D.C., and New York will make do with these retired spacecraft.

It's not like any of the families of the fallen astronauts who died in the Challenger and the Columbia disasters would want to have a piece of their family history in the city in which their loved ones worked and lived, right? A friend of mine the other day made an interesting point when it comes to shuttles though.

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​We are only less than three hours out from bringing you live-blogging coverage, right here, of this year's Academy Awards, and we are more than excited to take you through the night for every win, loss, awful dress, awesome dress, foible and foul-up Hollywood throws our way.

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courtesy of Jeopardy Productions, Inc.

​If you have a question about victims rights, you're probably going to want to ask Houston's renowned crime victims advocate, Andy Kahan.

If you have a question about practically anything else, you might want to try Kahan's son, Kyle. The Texas A&M student has been selected as one of the wiz kids to spar against Alex Trebek on this season of the Jeopardy College Championship. More >>

Rob Lowe will soon join the cast of Parks and Recreation.

​The dog days are upon us, the networks are planning for fall, and there's always money in the banana stand. This was the week in TV Land:

• The Television Critics Association summer press tour has been going on for the past few days. The biannual event is a chance for networks to preview material for critics at an expo in Los Angeles and try their hardest to avoid looking bad. I can't begin to sum up all the mundane ins and outs of the TCA tour; check out The Live Feed or HitFix for extensive recaps from panels about shows you will forget existed by this time next year. Some interesting news for some of my favorite comedies, though: Rob Lowe has been added to the cast of Parks and Recreation as a series regular, and 30 Rock will air a live episode in October, one for each coast.

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We didn't watch it. But, hey, at least we're honest.

​The best thing I watched last week was an airing of Ratatouille on ABC Family. This was the week in TV Land:

• I'll tell you right now: I didn't watch Mad Men. "BUT DAN," I can hear you shouting even though you're reading this at work, "it's amazing! Plus, you call yourself a TV lover. What gives?" Well, I'll tell you: I just never got into it. Gave it the college try in the first season, before it became a pop legend, but I just wasn't engaged. I have no qualms with slower storytelling, dark dramas, social commentary, etc.; the show just didn't click with me. I see how and why it works for a lot of people, and I really do think about getting the DVDs and diving into it one of these days, but who knows when that will happen. So tell me, Mad Men fans: Why do you like the show? And how do you think last night's season premiere went?

• So, Comic-Con happened. There's no point in pretending the annual event is anything other than a hype machine, one that runs on the hopes and dreams of a subset of geeks with mercurial standards and short memories. (These are the people who thought Jonah Hex looked good last summer, so read any coverage with huge chunks of salt.) On one level, yes, a certain amount of news was announced at the convention: Linda Hamilton will reached a deal guest star on Chuck as Chuck's mom, for starters. But much of the weekend is an endless slog through events and panels for mediocre offerings like The Vampire Diaries, and even those panels dedicated to quality programming like Community aren't going to offer attendees anything other than the chance to stand in line for three hours to sit in a room for seven hours to see Joel McHale for 45 minutes. There's a weird emptiness to the convention that feels like a cross between Las Vegas and an airport. It's like being inside a commercial for 72 hours, and it starts to mess with your head. If I find any TV news out of the convention worth mentioning, I'll let you know.

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The same face we made when trying to comprehend why people would voluntarily live in Mississippi.

​The weather's terrible, I'm living off DVR'd episodes of Community, and it's possible this is all just a dream. This was the week in TV Land:

• AT&T reached a deal with Rainbow Media last week to continue carrying the company's networks -- including AMC, IFC, and WE -- on the U-Verse service. I didn't mention anything about this earlier because, well, these kind of pissing matches seem to have a way of always working out at the eleventh hour. Carriage deals come up for renegotiation all the time, and though AT&T wants to make its money, it also doesn't want to be branded as the soulless corporate behemoth that keeps you from seeing Mad Men when it returns (this Sunday!). Hence, a deal.

• I don't listen to the radio that often, and certainly not sports radio; if I wanted to hear unhinged people bitch about one-sided trivia with a passion that borders on insanity, I'd watch cable news. But a buddy of mine tipped me off to a fun interview that aired the other day on 1560 The Game with Michael K. Williams, aka Omar Little from The Wire. He chats about this fall's Boardwalk Empire, which will air on HBO. Check it out.

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