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Finally realized why traffic flows so smoothly in Houston -- in the Downtown Houston Tunnel System (patent pending), that is:

There’s no friggin’ SUVs!!! The pedestrian equivalent, large people, don’t populate the tunnels so much -- or maybe it’s that all the walking at an intense clip has whittled everyone down.

Anyway, there’s no delays due to the "only three vehicles getting through a light ‘cause two are humongous" theory. Just smooth sailin’, 24/7—better make that 11/5, since that's pretty much "tunnel time." Very few potholes there, too.

Speaking of a two-syllable word with the second one being “hole,” I left the tunnel to hit the downtown Spec’s to get my Friday Fix. I was stuck behind God knows how many SUVs, so it was gonna take twice as long.

Even as Armegeddon bears down on us in all its fearsome fury (at least according to the TV newspeople), I, Tunnel Mole, have discovered this day a cause of happiness.

It appears entirely possible that I will be able to cast off the rusted, foetid chains of that most evil of monsters. I speak, of course, of Comcast.

Herewith my declaration of Comcast independence dated August 4, 2008:

Let this day be known henceforth as a day of wonders. Firstly, I happily tooketh a solicitor’s telephone call and pleaded for them to call me back after the standard 18-hour worketh day ends tomorrow, in order to take their generous offer under advisement – and meant it.

Ferret-hater and Republican presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani was hospitalized overnight last week while in Missouri for flu-like symptoms, which makes you wonder how much attention to detail is being paid by his handlers.

What a sissy thing to take you out on the campaign trail, especially if it's preventable. Even Houston Comets superstar Sheryl Swoopes, who's undoubtedly in far, far better shape than you or I, got a flu shot this year. Where? On her arm--I mean, smack dab in front of City Hall.

Some bloggers post holiday wish lists, but your humble Tunnel Mole is more concerned about what to give, not to receive. Like, what to give the Real-Estate Tycoon Brother Who Has Everything?

My Real-Estate Tycoon Brother Who Has Everything is getting his own chunk of land, courtesy of Jeanne's Rock Shop, where I unearthed a breathtaking geode containing quartz, smoky quartz and amethyst crystals. It'll look great on one wood-paneled wall of shelves that rises up for three stories.

By that, I mean, the gift will stand out amongst opulence. Jeanne's is the second-best local gemstone attraction, next to the Houston Museum of Natural Science. And it's going out of business Christmas Eve, so everything's on sale. It's enough to make a geologist sob at the pleasure and pain of it all.

Tunnel Mole scurried out from the Beloved Downtown Houston Tunnel System last week to vote – as that’s one of the few services missing down below – and regrettably confirmed her fears about the polling place.

Actually, a polling place. Ours was starting to get crowded and boisterous just before closing time. A number of older folks cut in front of us in line to vote – could it be that they are retired, yet had the audacity to wait until the last minute, to push in front of the rest of us who had to cut our 12-hour workday short just to get there?

The registrars at the counter didn’t say anything; they were yakking with their buddies, the cutters. One of the clerks – the most important one; the one who gives you your backstage pass to go behind the curtain – was watching, but didn’t say anything.

Don your sturdiest running shoes whilst entering the downtown Houston tunnel system these days. With the chronic rain, the burgeoning population is starting to outnumber the folks who (just like Paris Hilton) "discovered" Jesus in jail.

No celebrity sightings down here, however, unless you count an uncanny Bill Maher lookalike the other day. But because he didn't have one hand on a joint and the other inside his zipper -- said to be Maher's famous stance off-camera -- who can really say?

The tunnel will fix you up, brotha. Do you right! It's got infinite ways to get annoying chores done, except it's devoid of the most annoying ones that you want to do while you're on the clock, like upgrading your cell phone. And here's what else you don't have in the tunnel:

Courtesy of On Scene News comes this shot of the scene yesterday at Houston House.

One thing about the Houston tunnel system--you're insulated from the harsh world outside. It's like the womb. The only dangers are ingesting the wrong things and bad vibes from others.

So Tunnel Mole leads a sheltered life and was shocked to emerge yesterday to see about a dozen police cars, a heavy rescue team and a couple fire trucks swarmed around the Houston House Apartments, above ground at San Jacinto and Leland. As most folks who watch local TV news know ("if it bleeds, it leads"), a car sailed through the solid brick wall of the building's parking garage, killing the driver.

Tunnel Mole™ has learned about a new religious holiday--hey, it's the one we celebrate this weekend! Coworkers tell TM that Sunday is NASCAR Day; what with the Coca-Cola 600 and the Indy 500 on the same day.

I don't know about you, but I feel the need for speed. One of our society's greatest poets, Samuel Hagar, perhaps said it best: "Write me up for 125 / Post my face, wanted dead or alive / Take my license, all that jive / I can't drive 55! / Oh, yea! / I can't drive 55! (four times)
Uh! (Solo)"

Would rather do it than watch it, though--that's for losers. Speaking of beverage purveyors and speed, my weekday hangout, the Downtown Houston Tunnel, has got both fer ya, at one of the few places on Earth, I'll bet, where you can peruse the New York Times while tanking up on a delicious frothy version of Nature's legal speed AND being stared at by NASCAR stars.

And now HouStoned is pleased to present the first dispatch from Tunnel Mole, an anonymous denizen of Houston’s subterranean playpen. You'd better watch out, downtowners. Tunnel Mole is watching you.

HouStoned is moving to the underworld. Don't get your hopes up, middle-of-the-roaders. We're not talking about picking up where The Sopranos is leaving off, for good, this month. And for you high-brow folks, we're not talking about visiting Hades either.

Instead, we're taking steps to avoid Hades, aka Houston's downtown streets in the summertime. Despite the California weather of late, soon it'll be time for thousands of Houstonians to evacuate -- to the tunnels, that is. Time to give your sunblock to those who need it! Tunnel Mole don't need no stinkin' solar protection.