Houston News Blog

Don't know what your Thanksgiving plans are, but the Tunnel Mole is feeding a dozen folks!

Nope, the Mole did not give birth to a litter since the last missive. I don't even know my holiday guests, much less share DNA with 'em. I did what so many are doing -- and the new administration is very much down with -- by forking out $2.87 a plate for the Star of Hope homeless mission's 2009 holiday season dinners.

Surely you've seen the Star of Hope's own little advertising cubicle in the Downtown Houston Tunnel System. (And no, it doesn't say "If you lived here, you'd be home by now.") We hear from highly reputable sources that the Star of Hope is one of the better-managed social service organizations in town, so we're happy to help 'em with their goal of serving some 101,010 plates between now and late December.

They say you haven't made it 'til you've been on YouTube, or had a crazed fan kill themselves in front of one of your houses, but I am disconsolate to admit that apparently, I've made it. No deaths, thankfully. Somehow, some freakin' idiot put me up on the Internets.

Keep in mind if I'd known I was being filmed, those nose hairs would have been clipped before I set paw in the tunnel! And don't worry; I escaped. Nothin's gonna keep this mole trapped for long. Not even this contraption, sent to me by a purported friend.

If you want to trap a Tunnel Mole, try a Punkin Spiced Latte. That's what I was getting underneath the old Pennzoil Building today, and noticed that the customer base was a little light on the energy-company employees. Are they working harder than ever, way up high in their cubicles, forgoing caffeine and poising to pull the trigger on high-priced petroleum products?

This time of year, you tend to think about those who welcome you with open arms, ready to share their abundance.

And if you think I'm talking about Thanksgiving family gatherings, you really must have just come in on a pumpkin truck. I'm referring instead to the Harris County Administration Building, where early voting is great and no waiting, at least when I went, early Wednesday.

They were brisk, friendly and efficient, happy to have folks show up -- although one worker said they'd already had more people vote in two days than they did for the entire first week of early voting in 2004.

Well, there's hot glazed, check it and see

It only costs about a hundred and three (cents)

Come on baby, do you do more than slide (down my Ike-starved gullet)?

It's hot glazed; hot glazed

(Apologies to Foreigner, who should apologize to us in the first place for that horrible '70s song)

Tunnel Mole is abashed to have previously posted a snarky bit about crowds, amblers and posses in the tunnel -- annoying, all. Because nothing's worse -- save Ike precluding the world-famous hummingbird festival -- than NO crowds in the tunnel, at all. At whom to get annoyed?

That's how the tunnels are today. Weirdly, sadly empty. It's a bit misleading: Most of the tunnel establishments are like a Republican candidate for VP: brightly lit and decorated, but no one's home.

(With a tip of the hat to a law blog written unofficially by a Harris County District Attorney’s Office employee. You know who you are.)

Thank God for the abundance of natural gas (no joke; it fuels 70% of Texas) to keep the tunnel air-conditioned so nicely, or you’d see more incidents of tunnel violence, to be sure. Here are only a few of the tunnelites who push Tunnel Mole’s buttons. You DON’T know who you are, or you’d clean up your act pronto:

10) You’re standing in line at McDonald’s, and you’re texting like mad, and a long line forms behind you, but you’re not going anywhere ‘cos you’re just waiting for the order YOU ALREADY GAVE. Move over to the sidelines, Einstein! How many times have I missed my sausage biscuit for you? Do you know how crushing it is to step up to the cashier at 10:32 am, two minutes past the cutoff time for those toasty, greasy nuggets, to be told they stopped serving at 10:30? Let me assure you that this is the only time you’ll get to lead ANY group of people, you line-misleading, clueless texters. I warn everyone to stay away from Mickey D’s anytime between 10:20 and 10:40 – I’m loaded for bear. I mean, sure, I could step across the hallway to Alonti’s – their sausage, biscuits and delish gravy are to die for. But sometimes, you have only $1.08. And the extra time required for Alonti’s? Fugeddaboutit. Not for the line, for the extra hour on the elliptical required by their gravy alone.

Finally realized why traffic flows so smoothly in Houston -- in the Downtown Houston Tunnel System (patent pending), that is:

There’s no friggin’ SUVs!!! The pedestrian equivalent, large people, don’t populate the tunnels so much -- or maybe it’s that all the walking at an intense clip has whittled everyone down.

Anyway, there’s no delays due to the "only three vehicles getting through a light ‘cause two are humongous" theory. Just smooth sailin’, 24/7—better make that 11/5, since that's pretty much "tunnel time." Very few potholes there, too.

Speaking of a two-syllable word with the second one being “hole,” I left the tunnel to hit the downtown Spec’s to get my Friday Fix. I was stuck behind God knows how many SUVs, so it was gonna take twice as long.

Even as Armegeddon bears down on us in all its fearsome fury (at least according to the TV newspeople), I, Tunnel Mole, have discovered this day a cause of happiness.

It appears entirely possible that I will be able to cast off the rusted, foetid chains of that most evil of monsters. I speak, of course, of Comcast.

Herewith my declaration of Comcast independence dated August 4, 2008:

Let this day be known henceforth as a day of wonders. Firstly, I happily tooketh a solicitor’s telephone call and pleaded for them to call me back after the standard 18-hour worketh day ends tomorrow, in order to take their generous offer under advisement – and meant it.

Ferret-hater and Republican presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani was hospitalized overnight last week while in Missouri for flu-like symptoms, which makes you wonder how much attention to detail is being paid by his handlers.

What a sissy thing to take you out on the campaign trail, especially if it's preventable. Even Houston Comets superstar Sheryl Swoopes, who's undoubtedly in far, far better shape than you or I, got a flu shot this year. Where? On her arm--I mean, smack dab in front of City Hall.

Some bloggers post holiday wish lists, but your humble Tunnel Mole is more concerned about what to give, not to receive. Like, what to give the Real-Estate Tycoon Brother Who Has Everything?

My Real-Estate Tycoon Brother Who Has Everything is getting his own chunk of land, courtesy of Jeanne's Rock Shop, where I unearthed a breathtaking geode containing quartz, smoky quartz and amethyst crystals. It'll look great on one wood-paneled wall of shelves that rises up for three stories.

By that, I mean, the gift will stand out amongst opulence. Jeanne's is the second-best local gemstone attraction, next to the Houston Museum of Natural Science. And it's going out of business Christmas Eve, so everything's on sale. It's enough to make a geologist sob at the pleasure and pain of it all.

Tunnel Mole scurried out from the Beloved Downtown Houston Tunnel System last week to vote – as that’s one of the few services missing down below – and regrettably confirmed her fears about the polling place.

Actually, a polling place. Ours was starting to get crowded and boisterous just before closing time. A number of older folks cut in front of us in line to vote – could it be that they are retired, yet had the audacity to wait until the last minute, to push in front of the rest of us who had to cut our 12-hour workday short just to get there?

The registrars at the counter didn’t say anything; they were yakking with their buddies, the cutters. One of the clerks – the most important one; the one who gives you your backstage pass to go behind the curtain – was watching, but didn’t say anything.