Constructing the Perfect Five-Man College Football Coaching Wrecking Crew

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Sean is up for the challenge.
To say that the internet is the gift that keeps on giving implies that we're cool with all of its little trends, memes, and time wasters.

To be clear, there is plenty of repetitive, over-thought sludge that comes from our friend, the world wide web. Tebowing and flash mobs had their runs as general web nuisances, and don't get me started on whoever brought Gangnam style into the mainstream.

But occasionally, we get morsels of brain food that spark debate and evoke thought. To that end, of late, there seem to be a preponderance of salary cap style opinion purchase challenges (that's the best way I can describe them). In other words, "You have twenty bucks, here's five groups of mobsters categorized by city, each with his own price -- now go put together the most bad ass crew possible. GO!"

I don't know how it happened, I'm just glad it did. I love stuff like this. And with the college football season almost here, this is the latest....

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Just How Houston Are You? Sports Edition

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Just how Houston are you? Do you remember this team?
There was one of those stupid Twitter hashtags things about Houston this week, this one showing just how much of a Houstonian a person really is. I'm tired of writing about the depressing antics of the Houston Astros and CSN Houston, and I had to miss this week's CUSA Football Media Day in Dallas because of work issues. And frankly, I'm much too lazy to come up with something original to write about. So, with a sports theme, here's my version of #ImSoHouston...

1. ...that I remember when the Houston Rockets couldn't even sell out Hofheinz Pavilion.

2. ...that I remember Nolan Ryan pitching for the New York Mets.

3. ...that I remember what it was like to be awed by the best scoreboard spectacle in all sports.

4. ...that when I was a kid, the Houston Cougars played football in a major college football conference and went to major bowl games on a yearly basis.

5. ...that I recall Tal Smith when he was the beloved, recently deposed general manager of a playoff baseball team and not the guy who helped to destroy a winning franchise.

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NFL Rookie QB Update: Mettenberger Sucker-Punched, Manziel Smitten, Madden Ratings Reaction (VIDEO)

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It's in the game.
At the risk of sounding like Chris Berman (which is a horrible risk to take, nonetheless...), there's an old lyric in the Eagles' iconic hit "Hotel California," you can check out anytime you like, but you can never leave.

It rings true for so many things, not the least of which is the status of "SEC football player."

Yeah, you can get drafted into the NFL, you can sign that first contract, attend OTAs and become a full-fledged member of an NFL roster, but to most of the mouth-breathing psychopaths in the SEC footprint, you'll still always be "that moppy haired asshole who plays for our archival."

Zach Mettenberger found this out the hard way.

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SEC Network, Texas A&M Coming to Comcast, Houston. Fans Continue to Wait on CSN, Rockets, Astros

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Aggies will be on the air in Houston this fall.
The good news: Aggies fans will get to watch A&M football on Comcast this upcoming fall. The bad news: CSN Houston is still ONLY on Comcast.

Not to be a negative nelly, but it does seem rather ridiculous that games for both Texas A&M (SEC Network) will be available to the vast majority of Houstonians, while two of our professional sports teams are visible to only about 40 percent of the city (oh, and the colleges that are in Houston -- UH, Rice -- get their coverage on CSN Houston as well). The Longhorn Network, which was a debacle from day one, is still not on Comcast, but is on most of the other major providers including AT&T U-Verse and Dish Network.

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LSU Head Coach Les Miles's World Cup Analysis Goes Sideways at SEC Media Day (VIDEO)

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God bless Media Day.
I've been working on a piece for next week's print edition of the Houston Press on the sport of soccer in the aftermath of the World Cup.

In doing some of the research, I've been gathering the usual cadre of statistics, quotes, historical information and expert speculation (thank you, Glenn Davis and Rob Stone!). As someone who grew up in a soccer family, the sport definitely feels like it's as well positioned as ever to really take off in this country.

Gargantuan television contracts, plush new stadiums, league expansion, all these things are happening. These are all great things.

Then, on top of that, the mere soccer awareness across other sports certainly signals heightened relevance for the beautiful game.

We saw some a couple of examples at SEC Media Days:

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Stuart Scott's ESPY Speech Receiving the Jimmy V Perseverance Award Brings Down the House (VIDEO)

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Not all that long ago, I was complaining to a buddy of mine with knowledge of the inner workings at ESPN about the "shtick" of some of the anchors/hosts.

Specifically, I told him that I was not a huge fan of Stuart Scott's work and that Chris Berman's gravelly barrage of jokes that were fresh in 1989 made me want to jam a crowbar through my brain. My friend proceeded to tell me that if anyone was going to have to change in my relationship with ESPN, it would be me because those two guys weren't going anywhere.

"Berman and Stu are the most powerful guys in the building," he said.

Let me just say that I'm still trying to reconcile my feelings with the two of them (both are, by all accounts, pretty nice guys, for what it's worth), but I struggle.

As it pertains to Scott, I respect his longevity, I respect his professionalism, I definitely respect his ability to build a brand. I'm just not wild about the brand.

I'm still not, but after last night's ESPY's, I am a huge fan of Stuart Scott the person and Stuart Scott the father.

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Game Show Follies: Jeopardy Contestants Have No Clue on the Big Ten

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Ah, Jeopardy hijinks.
Of all the sports "things" that are set to debut this fall (a list that includes Jadeveon Clowney, the SEC Network, and A.J. McCarron trying to shoo his Bengal teammates away from his wife), perhaps the one I'm most excited about is Dan Patrick's new Sports Jeopardy show, which is set to debut on Crackle sometime this fall.

(Okay, that's a lie. I am definitely most excited to see Vontaze Burfict wind up with Katherine Webb, but Patrick's show should still be good.)

For those who don't know, Crackle is a Sony-owned digital service available on mobile devices and services such as PlayStation, Xbox, Apple TV and Roku. Until now, its best known programming is probably Jerry Seinfeld's short comedy series Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee.

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LSU Safety Jalen Mills Arrested for Allegedly Punching a Woman in the Mouth

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Screencap from LSUSports.net
Jalen Mills's alleged crime might give him a head start in the Fantasy Crime League.
There are two reasons I haven't brought the Fantasy Crime League concept to the collegiate ranks yet:

1. The outstanding college football blog edsbs.com already gives out the Fulmer Cup each offseason for that exact purpose (to highlight frequent performance in the category of "crime"), and the last thing you want to do is be the guy who is second to the market and starting up a rival promotion. In WWE parlance, my trophy would always be viewed as the Intercontinental championship. You don't want to be the Intercontinental champion.

2. I already have enough on my plate as commissioner of the NFL Fantasy Crime League. I am just one, solitary man. I can only do so much.

However, if you're into scouting for the next level crime-wise, college is the place to go, and when it comes to sending guys who are a little bit dirty to the next level, LSU has been a solid feeder program of late!

Dare I say, LSU is the LSU of Fantasy Crime feeder systems!

Which brings us to Jalen Mills...


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2014 Summer Preview: What Will Sustain Us as a Sports Nation?

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Photo by Jennifer Boyer
Summer months are harsh for a sports writer.
The dirty little semi-secret in sports talk radio is that there are many hosts out there who dread the months of June, July, and the first part of August.

Yes, the same time of year to which the rest of the free world counts down like a prisoner approaching their parole date, many in my business abhor, some even fear. For the very reason that you look forward to it (vacation!) is one very big reason that sports talk is a barren wasteland in those months.

Add in the fact that the Astros are working on their fourth consecutive 100-loss season and you can see why some might be fearful of (GASP) having to get creative and maybe even (DOUBLE GASP) talk about something other than sports.

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Lou Holtz Retiring From ESPN; Six Moments That Capture His Television Career (w/ VIDEO)

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Photo by Shotgun Spratling/Neon Tommy
Forever "the coach".
I am a Notre Dame graduate, class of 1991, and I say all the time that I owe at least seven of the ten best memories I have from college to Lou Holtz.

Holtz was the head football coach at Notre Dame while I was there. He arrived in South Bend in 1986, a year before I got there. (Hint: One of us arrived to massive fanfare. The other arrived with a case of beer and a poster of Miss Elizabeth.)

Also, to be fair, I make the same "seven out of ten" crack when anyone mentions Tim Brown, Raghib Ismail, or Tony Rice (all on-field staples of the Holtz Era), so my "out of ten" math doesn't really work, but my point should be well taken -- Notre Dame football whooped ass while I was a student there from 1987 through 1991, highlighted by a national championship in 1988.

And Holtz was the man behind it all.

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