Monday, Jan. 25 2010 @ 12:02PM
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| Photo by Daniel Kramer |
In case you haven't gotten your share of tragic news out of Haiti, a reliable Hair Balls source tells us there will be plenty more death and destruction within the next 30 months. And just who is this unimpeachable tipster? Why, none other than Jesus Christ Himself, aka
Jose Luis de Jesus Miranda of Missouri City, aka the Antichrist.
His spokeswoman, Alex Poessy, sent us a
video where Miranda warns that "Calamaties are coming to the Earth...islands, get ready."
Unfortunately, Miranda doesn't specify which islands, and exactly what "calamaties" will befall them. And while he has the power to prevent these events, Poessy said, he's merely following scripture by letting them occur. Which means that he's just fine with a bunch of babies dying. What an awesome dude to pray to!
"It's not that he wants to kill people," Poessy said, "it's that that's what's written."
As Miranda says in the video: "The foundations of the Earth are trembling. Theology doesn't understand -- no, because it's impossible that God did this. What's impossible?...He brings death, he gives life, he does as he wants on the face of the Earth.....What was it that passed by Haiti? An army of angels of destruction."
Per prophecy, the image of the beast will have power for 42 months, Poessey said. While many have interpreted "image of the beast" to mean "the devil," such is not the case, as the devil no longer exists. The beast actually means "second coming of Jesus," which is what all this earthquake business is about. So just hang on for two and a half more years, and then all will be swell.