Alas, it was not to be.

Sad, sad news today for anyone looking to take America back to the 1920s: Rick Santorum is dropping out of his heroic presidential run.

Sure, Mitt Romney has taken enough war-on-woman wingnut stands to carry the banner, but has he ever gone to such Santorum lengths as to declare all contraception is bad?

Santorum's daughter is ill and that played a part in the decision, but the writing was on the wall. Santorum joins Rick Perry as solid proof that the GOP doesn't want to nominate anyone named Rick. Both Ricks ran impressive campaigns that drew a lot of attention, albeit for all the wrong reasons. Let's examine five aspects:

5. Best quote
Santorum: "Isn't that the ultimate homeland security, standing up and defending marriage?"
Perry: "Oops."

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Whistlin' Rick Perry

​Gawker has an exclusive excerpt from a Politico e-book on the 2012 GOP primaries.

Their excerpt focuses on Rick Perry's bathroom habits, but we doubt something in the story.

The manager of a rival campaign was at a urinal in an empty bathroom in Hanover, New Hampshire, before the Bloomberg News debate on October 11, when he heard someone come through the door loudly singing "I've Been Working on the Railroad." Wondering who was making all the noise, the campaign manager turned his head and saw, to his surprise, the governor of Texas. Perry came down the row of about twenty urinals and stood companionably close by. Nonplussed, the campaign manager made a hasty exit; as the bathroom door closed, he could hear Perry still merrily singing away: "I-I-I've been working on the ra-a-i-i-l-road, all-l-l the live-long day . . ."

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Comin' at ya!!

​As we proved conclusively yesterday in chart form, Rick Perry is riding a rocket of momentum (Note: The chart included an actual rocket) towards the White House, with his Super Tuesday vote total a vast increase over his Michigan/Arizona primaries total.

The fever is building, if the mainstream media would just take off its blinders.

Luckily, there is one place where the dream lives on: the ""Rick Perry For President 2012" Facebook page. Seven highlights:

​7. The poster is ready
Perry doesn't need to hire a bunch of high-profile, expensive graphic artists. Nikola Nikolic is on the case!

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Suck it, Mitt

​The pundits have declared that there was no clear winner Super Tuesday, except for President Obama.

This so-called "analysis" ignores the reality that yesterday's vote demonstrates: The Rick Perry Comeback continues to soar.

We showed you the amazing chart indicating Perry's dramatic momentum after the Michigan and Arizona primaries, and Super Tuesday did nothing but reinforce the argument.

The "lamestream media" are in the back pockets of Mitt Romney, Rick Santorum, Newt Gingrich, President Obama, abortionists, sharia-law lovers, condom users and America-haters, so you won't hear about this anywhere else.

But as our updated chart shows, the cold, hard facts can lead to only one conclusion: Rick Perry's fight for the White House is on a rocket ride of momentum.

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​We have some great commenters here on Hair Balls, and it's time we paid some damn attention to them.

So we'll be highlighting a Comment of the Day each morning, from the previous day's work. Maybe two comments, even.

This will all be determined by a highly rigorous scientific formula involving wit, clarity and whatever else we feel like at the moment.

We posted a chart that definitively showed The Rick Perry Comeback had begun, big-time.

One reader, ummmm, agreed.

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It ain't over yet.

​The GOP is still stumbling about, looking for someone to run against President Obama.

After vastly outspending his opponent, frontrunner Mitt Romney managed to eke out a victory in his home state. And it was over an all-but-demonstrably certifiable opponent. That's not good.

So the "GOP Establishment" is looking for someone to come in and save the party, someone with some electoral momentum.

We humbly suggest they already have their man, as primary results and a cheap chart indicate. While the chart may be low-rent, it's one that strikes fear in Romney's heart.

For it clearly shows....The Rick Perry Comeback.

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A second helping?

​The GOP presidential primary has had a lot less laughs since Texas governor Rick Perry dropped out. Sure, the idea of Newt Gingrich or Rick Santorum being president is pretty funny, but without Perry there's just something missing.

Great news, then: Perry has told ABC News he is considering running again for the White House in 2016. He even got the date right, so you know he's serious!

"I tell people it was by far the most exhilarating thing that I've ever done," he said. "In a perfect world we would have started a lot earlier." No, Rick: In a perfect world, things would have happened just as they did.

In case you can't believe your good luck, here's the video proof:

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The unfortunate results of running.

​Rick Perry dropped out of the presidential race today, finally coming to grips with a reality most had accepted on his behalf four months ago.

In doing so, he proved conclusively an important point: Fast food is better for you than jogging. At least when it comes to decision-making.

After faring abysmally in Iowa, Perry famously came back to Texas to ponder his future. While jogging, he said, he decided to stay in the race. He even issued the goofy photo to the upper right of his Road to Damascus moment.

Smart decision? Not to put too fine a point on it, but hells the fuck no.

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He'll always have Iowa.

​When Rick Perry first announced his intention to be the leader of the free world back in August, we were gleeful at the comic possibilities his race would bring.

Alas, the free world, or at least that part of it that isn't rabid Tea Party frothers, didn't want Perry.

He is quitting the race today. In one last piece of comic goodness, he is endorsing Newt Gingrich.

Perry's run has been as entertaining as we thought it would be, if not more.

There were the debates, where his Perry-esque performance -- even before the infamous "oops" -- inspired this movie poster.

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​We have some great commenters here on Hair Balls, and it's time we paid some damn attention to them.

So we'll be highlighting a Comment of the Day each morning, from the previous day's work. Maybe two comments, even.

This will all be determined by a highly rigorous scientific formula involving wit, clarity and whatever else we feel like at the moment.

Our headline told the story: "Rick Perry Nearly Doubles Buddy Roemer's New Hampshire Vote in Impressive Show of Strength."

The item talked about how "the Rick Perry juggernaut" had overpowered the Buddy Roemer campaign.

One reader was mad.

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