Houston News Blog

​Get ready for the closing curtain of Rice University's production of Threepenny Opera. The grand story by Bertold Brecht and Kurt Weill is being touted as "a musical of murder, mayhem, and matrimony!" Meant to satirize traditional opera while creating an new kind of musical theater, Threepenny is set in London just before Queen Victoria's coronation. Characters include Jonathan Jeremiah Peachum, a mob-boss of local beggars; Polly, his headstrong daughter; Mack the Knife, Polly's new husband and an infamous bandit; and Chief of Police Tiger Brown, Mack's old friend. Polly's father isn't pleased with the match and determined to break up the marriage, even if he has to send his outlaw son-in-law to the gallows. (Ouch.) 8 p.m. Rice University, 6100 Main. For information, call 713-348-7529 or visit www.rice.edu. $5 to $10.

This Saturday's screening of Entre Les Murs (The Class) is the last installment of The Tournées Festival, a series of French films. Focusing on a classroom of multicultural students in a tough Parisian neighborhood, Entre Les Murs is the story of Francois Begaudeau, a real-life teacher and author. Not content to take center stage in the classroom, Begaudeau also stars -- as himself -- in the film. Apparently he doesn't do too badly, since the film won the Palme d'Or at the 2008 Cannes Film Festival. In an atmosphere where class, culture, and expectations not only clash but sometimes crash and burn, teachers and students alike face a seemingly insurmountable challenge -- to change a system that has little sympathy for kids and even less respect for the adults charged with their education. (In French with English subtitles.) 7 p.m. University of Houston-Clear Lake, 2700 Bay Area Boulevard. For information, call 281-283-3560 or visit www.uhcl.edu. $3.75.

​This review by Village Voice Media's Ella Taylor came in too late for our print edition, but we don't want you making any fang-film decisions with insufficient knowledge. So here it is:


Moping at the Moon
Too much angst, not enough saga in the wholesome Twilight 2
By Ella Taylor

Bella: I'm coming.
Edward: I don't want you to.
--The Twilight Saga: New Moon

Worry not for the purity of your tween girls, global mothers. Where Catherine Hardwicke's lively, irreverent take on the first book in the Twilight series at least made room for a few suggestive winks, the sequel is stuck right in the abstinence mud with author Stephenie Meyer. Meyer may be, as Oprah admiringly called her recently, a "black-belt reader," but as a writer, she's strictly Dear Diary, and Melissa Rosenberg, who wrote The Twilight Saga: New Moon, is nothing if not respectful of her vapid prose. The movie, directed by Chris Weitz, comes off very much like Clint Eastwood's The Bridges of Madison County -- professional filmmaking applied to sub-literary euphemistic trash, in this case couched in the jejune crush-fantasies of a Mormon mom stranded at home with three little boys.

Personally, I don't get the lure of vampire chic, but attention must be paid, if only because millions of girls on the cusp of adolescence and beyond -- not to mention, after lights out, their mothers -- groove to Meyer's chaste, oddly bloodless, and nearly plotless saga of a troubled high school outsider who finds love and protection with a family of expensively attired bloodsuckers in red-gold contact lenses.

​I'm going to step away from the sarcasm for a minute and present you with an honest overture that will hopefully foster understanding and goodwill between yours truly and certain segments of the Hair Balls readership. To wit: can somebody -- anybody -- tell me what tell me what the big deal is about the whole Twilight phenomenon?

The buzz about New Moon, the second movie based on the Stephanie Meyer series, has been building since before the original left theaters. It's already sold the most advance tickets of any movie in history (beating Revenge of the Sith, the latest Harry Potter, and the original Twilight), and nearly every midnight screening is reportedly sold out.

Clearly I'm missing something.

At first I thought it might be an age thing. I'm an old(er) dude, and have therefore become even snottier about high school-themed entertainment than I was when I was a (snotty) teenager myself. But as reliable news sources inform me, older women are just as into Edward and Jacob and the gang as their kids. At least Miley Cyrus is on my side.

I like vampires. Sure, I've lamented their transformation from fearsome predator to emo doofus in this very blog, but I still appreciate the concept. From Nosferatu to Dracula to Christopher Lee to 'salem's Lot to Near Dark, I'm with you. Hell, I like werewolves too, and putting them in the same movie should be an easy win for me, if my affection for The Monster Squad and the first Underworld is any indication.

Or maybe I just have an affection for Kate Beckinsdale in leather.

It's been a while since we had a straight-up ninja movie. If you grew up during the '80s, it was almost impossible to click through your impressive 56-channel lineup on a Saturday afternoon and not find a dozen flicks starring Sho Kosugi or Michael "American Ninja" Dudikoff to help ease your hangover. These days, you have to dig through obscure Asian DVD releases to find anyone wearing the shinobi shōzoku unironically.

Why did this happen? Did the pirates win? Did we finally realize guys running around in their pajamas and throwing little stars was kind of weird? Is this just another excuse to combine a giveaway (for passes to the November 23 screening of Ninja Assassin) with another stupid list?

Only this assortment of relatively benign ninjas know for sure.

Dogg's (Kid Rock) Kawasaki Ninja ZX-12R -- Biker Boyz (2003) It's hard to believe there's something Kid Rock does worse than rapping, but as an actor he makes Jessica Alba look like Barbara Stanwyck. His motorcycle, as goofy-looking as Rock himself in his "All Summer Long" video, suffers by association.

Kid Pan Alley kids, old and young

​Two of the more off-beat events happening this weekend at the 2009 Cinema Arts Festival are Peter Pan at Miller Outdoor Theatre, and Biomodd (ATH'): A Living Game Computer as Social Sculpture at Rice Media Center.

A screening of the 1925 silent film Peter Pan, considered by many to be the best film treatment of the story, is special enough but add to that pianist Donald Sosin, singer Joanna Seaton and founder of Kid Pan Alley Paul Reisler performing a brand new score written by the budding musicians of Houston's MacGregor Elementary School and it becomes a must-see event.

"We're writing ten songs in four days and then we're doing an afternoon concert for the school, then an evening concert for the Festival," Paul Reisler tells Hair Balls.

Sosin joined Reisler for the classroom sessions during which they worked with 10 classrooms, each averaging between 20 and 25 students.

The Big Lebowski has undergone a hell of a transformation since hitting big screens over a decade ago. A (very) mild financial success upon theatrical release, it's gone on to become a bona fide cult phenomenon, spawning "Dudeism" -- an online religion with over 60,000 ordained ministers -- and the annual Lebowski Fest, which began in Kentucky and has now spread across the country and the Atlantic. (A local Lebowski party is set for tonight at 7:30 p.m. at Discovery Green.)

Discussion of the plot rarely leads anywhere because, let's face it, narrative cohesion isn't what drives fans of the film. But the protagonist, the center of the chaos, is Jeffrey Lebowski. AKA "The Dude." Based partially on film producer Jeff Dowd (who helped secure financing for Ethan and Joel Coen's first movie, Blood Simple), The Dude is a modern icon, but how does he stand up to other dudes of yore?

5. Dude Love (Mick Foley)
Lebowski's powers of...Dudeness may be formidable, but I'm 99% sure he wouldn't be able to put an ass-whooping on the Rock like Dude Love did here. Stone Cold only stepped in because it was four against one.

​Babel, Amores Perros, 21 Grams, The Three Burials of Melquiades Estrada -- all these movies have one thing in common: Mexican author, screenwriter, director and producer Guillermo Arriaga. He's in Houston this week and you'll have two chances to meet him and check out his films at the Houston Cinema Arts Festival, which started yesterday.

Arriaga will be introducing tonight's showing of his Oscar-nominated Amores Perros at Angelika Film Center (9:45 p.m.) If you miss him tonight, you'll have another chance to meet him Friday (3 p.m.) as he takes part of the festival's Meet the Makers film talks at the Alabama Theatre.

Even if you miss meeting Arriaga in person, you can still check out The Three Burials of Melquiades Estrada, which received the Cannes Film Festival award for Best Screenplay, on Friday at the Museum of Fine Arts.

Hair Balls had a chance to talk with acclaimed writer Arriaga before he landed in Houston today to get some of his thoughts about literature and writing:

Hair Balls: If you're forced to pick, what do you call yourself first and foremost?
Guillermo Arriaga: I consider myself plainly a writer. Even now that I've directed a film, I still consider myself a writer. I think that writing screenplays is also literature. I consider it as important as writing a novel or writing a short story. For me, everything is literature.

Alex Meraz and Kiowa Gordon. Howl.

​
How do you get yourself cast in the blockbuster Twilight series? Throw a rager, get in trouble with Dad, and move in with Mom. Maybe you'll end up going to church with Stephenie Meyer; she'll suggest you audition to play a werewolf in the series's second installment New Moon, and you'll get the part.

That's what happened to Kiowa Gordon, who plays Embry in the film. Of course, being hot helps, too. "I was actually living in Mesa [Arizona] a couple of months before the audition," says Gordon. "I threw a party, and the cops came and busted it. And I got in trouble...And my mom was like, 'You gotta come home and live with me,' so I went to Cave Creek, and that's what really started it. Because then Stephenie Meyer moved in to our church around the same time."

Gordon is in Houston today with Alex Meraz, who plays werewolf Paul in the film. They're on a tour to promote New Moon that started in LA with an appearance with all the cast members, vampires and werewolves alike. The two actors continued to Denver, are stopping here with an event tonight at the Galleria, and then they're heading for Miami.

"Denver I gotta say is the most intense fans we've ever seen," says Meraz. "It was just us, and like 700 fans, all at once just shouting. I personally didn't expect that." It's safe to say there will be a similar scene tonight at the Galleria. At last year's event, fans camped out to meet the stars who appeared here -- Taylor Lautner, who plays Bella's werewolf best friend Jacob, and two of Twilight's evil vampires.

Both actors seem excited by all the attention, and a little nervous. "They're very respectful, when you get a fan by themselves," says Meraz, "but get them all together and it's like a mob."

Photos by Katharine Shilcutt

​When we heard that there was going to be a happy hour -- a happy hour -- in the old Alabama Bookstop on Monday night, Hair Balls simply had to be there. After all, it's not often you get to visit the emptied husk of your childhood and relive your dying love affair with literature while drinking a cold beer.

The Cinema Arts Society and 29-95.com hosted last night's happy hour in an effort to promote the upcoming Cinema Arts film festival and to encourage Houston residents to maintain and preserve the old structure. The Alabama Bookstop -- now simply the Alabama Theatre once again -- still has the same bright marquee outside, the familiar teal-and-salmon color scheme inside, the elegant murals on the walls and the same old faded carpets. But the cavernous theater now stands almost entirely empty. It's much easier to see now where water damage has taken hold in some areas and where years of deferred maintenance has left its marks.

We remarked to the Chronicle's Dwight Silverman, who was there supporting sister venture 29-95.com, that the place seemed somehow much smaller than before. Without the shelves of books to provide perspective, Silverman noted, it's difficult to gauge the size of the theater.

Roland Emmerich, who never met a plot hole he couldn't fill with explosions and shitty dialogue, tells us there's one place we won't see bite the big one in his upcoming movie 2012:

For the past three years, director Erich Weiss has been piecing together a documentary on the life of legendary tattooing pioneer Sailor Jerry. Tonight, Rocbar (530 Texas) hosts a special screening of Weiss' film, Hori Smoku Sailor Jerry, complete with complementary Sailor Jerry Spiced Rum for those attending the screening.

I'm proud to say I wear many Sailor Jerry designs.

The life of Norman "Sailor Jerry" Collins, who earned his famous title during separate hitches in the United States Navy and the Merchant Marines, was a long and storied one. The film chronicles his first stabs at slinging ink, which included a practical joke pulled on him in a Chicago morgue and plying his trade on fellow seaman while stationed in pre-statehood Hawaii. Jerry fell in love with the island and all the Asian influences surrounding it, including the style of tattooing that was so popular with Japanese tattoo artists.

His work was distinctive, colorful, and utterly patriotic. It spoke to the darker sides of life and the mortality and fallibility of man, perfect fodder for American boys shipping off to war in the Pacific theater. In fact, my late grandfather got a tattoo from a Jerry acolyte while he was in the Korean War. I copied the piece a few years back and it proudly sits on my forearm.

​You used to be cool, John Cusack.

We first noticed it in the 1980s, when "cool" didn't have a lot of meaning. People used the word in connection with Jan Hammer, the Go-Bots, and Kirk Cameron, which should give you an idea how lost we really were. But somehow you dodged the pitfalls of The Breakfast Club and St. Elmo's Fire to appear in some of the best and most beloved movies of that era. Yes, there was also Hot Pursuit and Grandview, USA, but Better Off Dead, Eight Men Out, and Say Anything are as solid a resume as any from that decade.

You started the `90s off strong (with The Grifters) and continued a decent run on up until 1997. That year you made Grosse Pointe Blank, a movie very near to my heart, and also a Jerry Bruckheimer atrocity called Con Air. It seemed surprising, but also perfectly understandable. Toiling away at smaller, quirkier films for the better part of two decades, you were due a "paycheck" movie. And if, as you said, starring in a mindless action film would free you up to continue making those smaller, more intimate movies like Max, who would begrduge you?

Somewhere down the road, however, you either went deep into debt betting on monkey knife fights or decided you needed a few walk-in humidors, because the movies you've made lately have been -- not to put too fine a point on it -- craptastic. Your fans have been subjected to an rising tide of cookie-cutter rom-coms and brainless explodoganzas and for what? The cloying Martian Child? The ham-handed War, Inc.?

And now comes 2012, which looks like the single goofiest piece of crap to hit big screens since...well, Independence Day (both directed by Roland Emmerich, after all). I mean the trailer shows the White House getting destroyed. By an aircraft carrier. On a tidal wave. There better be a Tapeheads sequel coming out really damn soon.

In case you think I'm being overly harsh, here's a representative sample of your recent work.

​I'm not afraid to admit it, I'm a huge fan of The Karate Kid. And I'm not just talking "guilty pleasure" fan.

No sir, not only do I actually own all three DVD's in the Karate Kid trilogy, but my Karate Kid III DVD actually has some scenes that skip because of wear and tear. Yeah, you heard me, the Karate Kid movie whose central storyline involved a Wall Street tycoon spending every waking moment of his day trying to figure out a way to mentally and physically destroy a skinny teenage kid from New Jersey has actually logged more Pendergast DVD time than The Godfather (and for the record, I love The Godfather).

I've named my fantasy football "Kobra Kai Dojo" for ten straight years (until this season when I changed it to "Tom Cable's Dojo"). I openly pine for the chunky version of Elisabeth Shue from the first Karate Kid movie. I make the Daniel Larusso "Yeah, I just scored a goal in bubble hockey!" Face after every goal I score in bubble hockey (anyone know where I can find bubble hockey in Houston, by the way?).

I actually dedicated an entire radio show to the 25th anniversary of the release of the first Karate Kid movie. Included in that show was an interview with Billy Zabka (the diabolical "Johnny Lawrence"), and to this day when people ask me "Who is the most famous person's phone number you have in your iPhone?" I immediately answer "BILLY ZABKA", not because he is the most famous, but it's the number I find to be the coolest. It's the Honus Wagner baseball card of celebrity phone numbers.

Why do I bring my Karate Kid fetish up, in a sports blog post of all places?

Well:

It's Election Day in Houston, and as the city braces itself for the tsunami of indifference that always comes from knowing the one significant race this time around is going to end up in a runoff, we decided to take a look at some of the shadier movie politicians out there; men whose shenanigans far outweigh things like cozying up to the Latino community while adopting a hard-line ant-immigration stance (Roy Morales) or using your wife's money to try to buy an election (Peter Brown).

5. President Bennett (Donald Moffat) -- Clear and Present Danger (1994)
Jack Ryan, the last honest man in Washington, uncovers the connection between Bennett (played by that guy who kind of looks like James Cromwell) and the Colombian cartels. His decision to possibly torpedo his own career by testifying before Congress is only slightly less plausible than that scene where the 52-year-old Harrison Ford beats up a man 20 years his junior before jumping on a helicopter.

​If there's anything nerds like better than making anonymous douchebags of themselves on the Internet, it's arguing. From Kirk vs. Picard (Kirk), to The Enterprise vs. a star destroyer (star destroyer), to Tom Baker vs. David Tennant (Christopher Eccleston) -- the list of contentious topics is endless.

And a frequent subject of debate is the supposed status of Star Wars as the preeminent sci-fi franchise. Some have been quick to declare the revamped Battlestar Galactica as the heir apparent. And while the recently completed series was mostly impressive, with a new show (Caprica) on the way and a DVD movie (The Plan) coming out this week, I think a little more evidence is needed before reaching a final decision. To add some fuel to the fire, here are some reasons I believe BSG to be superior to Star Wars.

5. Nuclear Fission Exists in the BSG Universe
If the Empire had nukes, they wouldn't have had wait for the Death Star to clear the planet Yavin so it could bring its superlaser to bear on the rebel base, and Luke wouldn't have had time to blow it up. There also wouldn't have been any need to use the cool-looking but mind-bogglingly slow AT-ATs to attack the rebels on Hoth, allowing the bulk of the rebel fleet to escape. And it would've spared Dack an agonizing death.

Those who "want to believe" that extraterrestrials have interacted with human beings are doubtless familiar with J. Allen Hynek's three classifications of "close encounters." You're probably also familiar with Jacques Vallee's addition of "the fourth kind" which, according to Vallee, refers to actual abduction by aliens.

Coincidentally, it's also the subject of the new movie The Fourth Kind, and the Houston Press has some advanced screening passes to give away. Win a pair of passes by being among the first 20 people to e-mail hairballscontest@houstonpress.com; put The Fourth Kind in the subject line.

Because our minds tend towards one direction, we got to thinking about the kind of alien we actually wouldn't mind being abducted (and -- one assumes -- probed) by. The following, from classic (and not to classic) sci-fi movies, topped the list.

5. Oola (Femi Taylor) -- Return of the Jedi (1983)
When comparing the relative hotness of the doomed Twi'lek dancer and Slave Leia from the same movie, consider this: Oola was fed to the rancor because she resisted Jabba's slimy advances. Leia (who, admittedly, killed him in the end) showed distaste but was kept alive a lot longer. The conclusion? Leia slept with Jabba, and I don't care how forgiving you are, having a Hutt on your "list" is a deal-breaker. Advantage: Oola.

​Today's your last chance to see Cirque Mechanics' Birdhouse Factory. An international cast of circus stars formerly with Cirque de Soleil, the Moscow Circus and Pickle Family Circus, Cirque Mechanics include contortionists, acrobats, clowns, and dancers.

The Birdhouse Factory story is a simple one. A group of workers trudge away in a factory, victims of the mind-numbing repetition of constructing widgets. Then a bird accidentally flies into the factory and everything changes. Inspired by the bird, workers slowly start to come alive again, approaching their meaningless tasks with a sense of humor, even joy.

The piece takes its cues from Charlie Chaplin's Modern Times, Diego Rivera's Detroit Industry murals and the illustrations of Rube Goldberg. Birdhouse, with its timeless story of rejuvenation, seems as if it could be set early in the Industrial Revolution or somewhere in the near future. 7:30 p.m. Miller Outdoor Theatre, 100 Concert Drive, Hermann Park. For information, call 281-FREE-FUN or visit www.milleroutdoortheatre.com. Free.

The Spotlight on Contemporary Greek Cinema Showcase is winding down, with its last screening on Sunday. Friday Alexis Kardaras's Guinness is showing at 7 p.m., which follows a greedy gambler whose search for a case of gold leads him to a tavern in the middle of nowhere. Instead of his hoped-for treasure, he finds the bar owner's unhappy -- and lonely -- wife.

You know how this goes: some movie comes out about a little kid who's not what he/she seems and every online wag has to throw together a list ranking each child that's given us the willies since The Bad Seed. Problem is, every one of these lists has the same characters: Damien Thorn (The Omen), Regan MacNeil (The Exorcist), any role Dakota Fanning's ever played...not to overreact, but it's an outrage.

We hold ourselves to a higher standard here at Hair Balls. I mean, children are pretty freaky already, so drawing dark circles around their eyes and sticking them on a tricycle under an overcast sky doesn't do a lot for us. Instead, we're going to promote our Orphan DVD contest with a list of five disturbing children whose evil has been unjustly overlooked by the listmaking community.

5. Kevin McCallister (Macaulay Culkin) -- Home Alone (1990)
There's a short story by horror author Jack Ketchum called "The Rifle" about a child with a taste for torturing animals. The idea being that evil can be identified early on, and needs to be dealt with as swiftly as possible. I don't think anyone can argue that young Kevin is a brutal and dangerous sadist who must be stopped at all costs.

​I used to review movies (over here, if you care), an endeavor I had to quit for a variety of reasons: my hectic neurosurgery rotation, for one, as well as the increasing physical demands of the new Mrs. Vonder Haar, Carla Gugino. But among the non-imaginary factors influencing my decision was the way all those movies were starting to blur together. I attended, at most, three screenings a week, so it wasn't oversaturation. Early onset dementia? An attention span whittled to nothing by decades of television and self-medication? Or was it maybe that all the movies looked alike for some reason?

Part of the problem is that so many movies are sequels, remakes, or sequels of remakes, but that wasn't the whole story. I was missing something, and then it hit me. I don't remember what movie I was watching at the time, maybe it was the sixth romantic comedy in as many years starring Sandra Bullock, or Will Ferrell's latest exercise in insensate hollering, or that one movie where Nicolas Cage was in a car chase (no, the other one), but I finally figured it out: Hollywood doesn't have enough actors.

If you're a child of the '80s, you should probably come to terms with the fact that every beloved televison memory of yours is eventually going to be dragged screaming into the present day and bastardized for younger audiences. We've already seen two Transformers movies and a G.I. Joe adaptation, and a slew of other 1980s properties are reportedly in the works, proving that not only is Hollywood creatively bankrupt, they're dumber than ever. Or maybe I'm the only one who shudders at the idea of a Snorks feature film.

Undaunted, Hair Balls is using the occasion of this week's release of the Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen DVD to look at some likely candidates for big-screen revision. And if you find yourself getting bent out of shape, try to remember that most of these were originally created as vehicles for existing toy lines, so it isn't like creative integrity was ever an issue.

Name: Jem and the Holograms
How it Was Pitched to Executives: [Barbie + Marvel Comics' Dazzler] / Rio album cover "artist" Patrick Nagel
The Plot -- In 30 Words or Less: The alter-ego of Starlight Music owner Jerrica Benton, Jem gets into various G-rated hijinx each week while contending with their bitter rivals, the Misfits. No, not those Misfits.
How Could They Possibly Update it For Sophisticated Modern Audiences? Hannah Montana pretty much exhausted the whole "secret singer identity" thing -- without giving Jem credit, I might add. Let Hillary Duff play Jem and just follow her around with a camera as she constantly surprises Miley Cyrus and tries to kick her ass.

​Films are once again being seen at the Alabama Theatre, thanks to Cinema Arts Festival Houston's H BOX by Portuguese architect/artist Dider Fiuza Faustino. A series of looped videos and short films are shown in the portable screening room (constructed from connecting panes of glass and aluminum, the BOX can easily be packed up and moved). The filmmakers and video artists include Argentina's Sebastián Diaz-Morales, Israel's Yael Bartana and Switzerland's Shahryar Nashat. (We'll get back to Nashat.)

From the outside H BOX looks basically like, ah, a box. There's a short ramp leading up to an opening. You walk around a wall into a small room. The wall in front of you makes up the screen; the wall behind you has a padded steel bar that runs right around butt-height, inviting people to sit. Black bean bag chairs strewn around the room providing more seating. Altogether, Hair Balls estimates 15 people could jam into the H BOX at one time to watch a film.

Hair Balls was among the first to visit H BOX and we got to see a bit of Nashat's 2007 video Plaque (Slab). Just under seven minutes, the film starts off inside a factory with a giant slab of concrete being lifted by a crane. Cut to a 1964 television performance of Canadian pianist Glenn Gould playing in front of three standing slabs that look suspiciously like the one we just saw at the factory. Cut to modern-day Berlin, where we see a husky construction worker pouring out concrete into a similar slab form. You get where this is going, right?

​Spike Jonze's live-action version of Maurice Sendak's Where the Wild Things Are led the box office this weekend, grossing over $32 million. Last month, another children's book adaptation, Sony Pictures' version of Judi and Ron Barrett's Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs, scored similar numbers for its first three days.

WTWTA has earned mixed reviews so far, with most critics praising the impressive visuals while also pointing out the issues arising from expanding the sparse narrative into a feature film. Cloudy received better notices, which signifies little except that people are perhaps more forgiving of entertainment aimed at those without real buying power.

Both movies will break the magical $100-million blockbuster mark (Cloudy already has), proving that strip-mining our childhoods for profit remains an easy proposition. What's harder, and therefore less desirable from Hollywood's perspective, is using those same sources to make a movie worth watching. In the unlikely event any filmmaker out there wants to film a children's book adaptation that'll stand the test of time and not just score some quick bank and be forgotten, may I humbly offer the following suggestions:

1. Leave Dr. Seuss Alone -- The late Theodor Geisel is our most beloved children's author, as a quick gander at just about any five-year-old's bookshelves will confirm. His most celebrated books (How the Grinch Stole Christmas!, The Cat in the Hat) were converted quite ably into animated form by the early 1970s, not that this stopped an idea-strapped Tinseltown from going back to the well by making atrocious live-action versions of both (in 2000 and 2003, respectively). Seuss' whimsy and gentle humor are more than satisfying on their own, and require no further embellishment, whether in the form of the Grinch's tormented childhood or Mike Myers' poop jokes.

​The legendary Lloyd Kaufman is the co-founder of Troma Studios, and directed classics such as The Toxic Avenger, Class of Nuke 'Em High, and Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead, which will be screening this weekend at Crypticon Houston. Hair Balls asked the legendary actor, author and Yale graduate about Troma's past, future, and George W. Bush.

Hair Balls: First is the question I have to ask everyone: have you ever spent any time in Houston?
Lloyd Kaufman: Yes, I have been to Houston many times! Rather then go to Rome or Paris, I always prefer Houston. The Alamo beats the Louvre everytime!

HB: Ooookay. It's the 35th anniversary of Troma, and resources available to filmmakers truly allow many more people to "make their own damn movies" these days. But do you think it matters given the stranglehold the major studios still have on distribution?
LK: Troma has a well-known slogan that proudly proclaims us as "MOVIES OF THE FUTURE". Even though the economy is not in the best shape right now, the key to Troma is the love and passion that go into all our films. Since we are low-budget, we can always persevere at times like this, so I don't see why any other young independent filmmakers couldn't succeed. The big problem now for independent film is that the media has been consolidated by conglomerates, and that is why there are fewer independent film studios. Another thing for young democratic filmmakers is that they often forget to write a good script.

It's National Boss Day, because apparently getting more weeks of vacation, a higher salary, and an actual office with privacy isn't enough. You can be forgiven if it slipped your mind. After all, you were probably busy using the phone in your cramped, depressing cubicle to argue semi-publicly with HR about whether you get 100% reimbursement for your carpal tunnel surgery. Seriously, though...is your boss really that bad? Or is he/she just misunderstood, like these oft-maligned movie managerial types?

5. Meredith Johnson (Demi Moore) -- Disclosure (1994)
The movie that dares ask the question: is it really sexual harassment if Demi Moore does it? Besides, what if Tom had actually given in? Meredith would've still charged him with harassment, leaving things to end up almost exactly the same. Well, Tom's marriage would've ended, but he didn't sound too pumped about that trip to Disneyland anyway.

Photo courtesy Crypticon

​Kristy Swanson is best known for her roles in Higher Learning and as the original Buffy the Vampire Slayer (form the 1992 film), and this weekend she'll be in town as a guest of Crypticon Houston, which runs Friday through Sunday at the Reliant Center. Hair Balls sat down with her (in the e-mail sense) to ask her about her career and what the future holds for the first Buffy.

Hair Balls: My first question is usually asking if you've ever been to Houston, but I already know the answer: you filmed The Chase here in 1994. How was the experience?
Kristy Swanson: I had a great time. It is nice to be coming back ; )

HB: You're perhaps most famous to horror fans as the original Buffy. Were you ever aware of any tensions between the producers and Joss Whedon over the direction the film was taking?
KS: I remember Buffy to be a great experience. I thought all the actors did a great job developing their characters and executed them wonderfully. If there were any "problems," I am unaware. Joss was on set everyday and it was great to have him there, he was a tremendous support and fun to hang out with.

​In news that is as shocking as finding out that the sun rose in the east once again, reports have emerged that the new Terence Malick film starring Sean Penn and Brad Pitt -- shot partly in Houston -- won't be released as expected this year.

Malick, of course, is the gifted auteur of Days of Heaven and The Thin Red Line, a director known for shooting a million or so feet of film and then taking his own sweet time assembling it into a movie.

The Tree of Life is his current project, a story about, according to one website, "Brad Pitt as the father of a boy whose lost innocence haunts him as he grows into a man played by Sean Penn."

Malick and Penn spent a week shooting in Houston last June (Despite breathless reporting by the Houston Chronicle, Pitt wasn't in any Houston scenes).

Rick Ferguson of the Houston Film Commission tells us Malick wanted "urban and very high-tech" type of locations.

Photo courtesy Crypticon

​There's no mistaking horror-movie stalwart Michael Berryman. The actor suffers from a rare condition called hypohidrotic ectodermal dysplasia, which is characterized by few or no sweat glands and lack of hair or fingernails. However, Berryman's distinctive appearance has made him one of the more recognizable actors out there.

He'll be at the Reliant Center this weekend as part of Crypticon Houston, and Hair Balls asked him a few e-mail questions about Star Trek and Mötley Crüe, among other things.

Hair Balls: First is the question I have to ask everyone: have you ever spent any time in Houston?
Michael Berryman: I have never been to Houston before.

HB: You were discovered by legendary producer George Pal, who cast you in Doc Savage: The Man of Bronze after he came into your flower store. Had you ever considered acting before then?
MB: George Pal did tell me that I had the face he needed for the role of the 'Coroner'...The rest is history.I was planning on being a nature photographer in Alaska and the Northwest, and I had done some 'folk music' as a singer with a friend who was a great guitarist. But acting was not my plan.

HB: Your second movie was One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, which went on to win five Academy Awards. Was it hard to go from something that critically acclaimed to a movie like The Hills Have Eyes, which was -- to put it mildly -- an unproven commodity?
MB: Well, Cuckoo's Nest was familiar to me as a book and play. It was the best acting school ever! But I thought that was the extent of my acting career. When I met with Wes [Craven, director] and Peter [Locke, producer], I quickly became friends with them and I always enjoyed their enthusiasm for telling a story. We just made Hills real and gritty.

The classics never really go out of style. It was almost 2,000 years ago on this date that Roman Emperor Claudius I was poisoned by his wife Agrippina. Claudius is generally regarded as one of the more competent emperors, proving that the Romans were nothing if not even-handed in their approach to assassination. Like other things popularized by the Romans, poisoning has remained a trendy murder option. Less intimate than strangulation, yet more personal than a handgun, it offers that personal touch without any incriminating "hands-on" action. For those looking for inspiration, Hollywood also offers some fine examples.

5. The poison apple -- Snow White (1937)
I haven't watched this movie since I was a kid, mostly because 45 minutes of that maddeningly chirpy voice makes me want to poison somebody too. The lack of an English language clip presented a bit of an obstacle; luckily the French appear to have about as much respect for Uncle Walt's copyrights as they do for American statutory rape laws.

​The fledgling Cinema Arts Festival Houston has bagged a big name for the event: Tilda Swinton. (If Tilda Swinton isn't a big-enough name for you, you're probably not the type of movie fan who would appreciate the Cinema Arts Festival Houston.)

Swinton, who's starred in Orlando and won an Oscar for Michael Clayton, will make several appearances in town in conjunction with the festival.

"Tilda Swinton's commitment to working with innovative artists, from Derek Jarman
to Lynn Hershman, and to building audiences for challenging cinematic art, has inspired
us in launching our Festival," said Richard Herskowitz, Cinema Arts Festival Houston
curator.

Here's what's on tap:

It was 91 years ago that Sgt. Alvin York, a corporal in the U.S. 328th Infantry Regiment, single-handedly killed 28 German soldiers during a battle in France, forcing the surrender of 132 more. His actions earned him the Congressional Medal of Honor and rendered all subsequent cinematic displays of gunplay superfluous. Not that I'm above marking the occasion with some examples of superlative firearm skill, anyway.

5. Pvt. Daniel Jackson (Barry Pepper) -- Saving Private Ryan (1998)
Ordinarily a dead-eyed redneck who quotes Scripture and also happens to be a crack shot from a bell tower would cause...consternation among political types. This is war, though, where such seemingly disparate traits are actually desirable.