Houston News Blog

Roland Emmerich, who never met a plot hole he couldn't fill with explosions and shitty dialogue, tells us there's one place we won't see bite the big one in his upcoming movie 2012:

For the past three years, director Erich Weiss has been piecing together a documentary on the life of legendary tattooing pioneer Sailor Jerry. Tonight, Rocbar (530 Texas) hosts a special screening of Weiss' film, Hori Smoku Sailor Jerry, complete with complementary Sailor Jerry Spiced Rum for those attending the screening.

I'm proud to say I wear many Sailor Jerry designs.

The life of Norman "Sailor Jerry" Collins, who earned his famous title during separate hitches in the United States Navy and the Merchant Marines, was a long and storied one. The film chronicles his first stabs at slinging ink, which included a practical joke pulled on him in a Chicago morgue and plying his trade on fellow seaman while stationed in pre-statehood Hawaii. Jerry fell in love with the island and all the Asian influences surrounding it, including the style of tattooing that was so popular with Japanese tattoo artists.

His work was distinctive, colorful, and utterly patriotic. It spoke to the darker sides of life and the mortality and fallibility of man, perfect fodder for American boys shipping off to war in the Pacific theater. In fact, my late grandfather got a tattoo from a Jerry acolyte while he was in the Korean War. I copied the piece a few years back and it proudly sits on my forearm.

​You used to be cool, John Cusack.

We first noticed it in the 1980s, when "cool" didn't have a lot of meaning. People used the word in connection with Jan Hammer, the Go-Bots, and Kirk Cameron, which should give you an idea how lost we really were. But somehow you dodged the pitfalls of The Breakfast Club and St. Elmo's Fire to appear in some of the best and most beloved movies of that era. Yes, there was also Hot Pursuit and Grandview, USA, but Better Off Dead, Eight Men Out, and Say Anything are as solid a resume as any from that decade.

You started the `90s off strong (with The Grifters) and continued a decent run on up until 1997. That year you made Grosse Pointe Blank, a movie very near to my heart, and also a Jerry Bruckheimer atrocity called Con Air. It seemed surprising, but also perfectly understandable. Toiling away at smaller, quirkier films for the better part of two decades, you were due a "paycheck" movie. And if, as you said, starring in a mindless action film would free you up to continue making those smaller, more intimate movies like Max, who would begrduge you?

Somewhere down the road, however, you either went deep into debt betting on monkey knife fights or decided you needed a few walk-in humidors, because the movies you've made lately have been -- not to put too fine a point on it -- craptastic. Your fans have been subjected to an rising tide of cookie-cutter rom-coms and brainless explodoganzas and for what? The cloying Martian Child? The ham-handed War, Inc.?

And now comes 2012, which looks like the single goofiest piece of crap to hit big screens since...well, Independence Day (both directed by Roland Emmerich, after all). I mean the trailer shows the White House getting destroyed. By an aircraft carrier. On a tidal wave. There better be a Tapeheads sequel coming out really damn soon.

In case you think I'm being overly harsh, here's a representative sample of your recent work.

​I'm not afraid to admit it, I'm a huge fan of The Karate Kid. And I'm not just talking "guilty pleasure" fan.

No sir, not only do I actually own all three DVD's in the Karate Kid trilogy, but my Karate Kid III DVD actually has some scenes that skip because of wear and tear. Yeah, you heard me, the Karate Kid movie whose central storyline involved a Wall Street tycoon spending every waking moment of his day trying to figure out a way to mentally and physically destroy a skinny teenage kid from New Jersey has actually logged more Pendergast DVD time than The Godfather (and for the record, I love The Godfather).

I've named my fantasy football "Kobra Kai Dojo" for ten straight years (until this season when I changed it to "Tom Cable's Dojo"). I openly pine for the chunky version of Elisabeth Shue from the first Karate Kid movie. I make the Daniel Larusso "Yeah, I just scored a goal in bubble hockey!" Face after every goal I score in bubble hockey (anyone know where I can find bubble hockey in Houston, by the way?).

I actually dedicated an entire radio show to the 25th anniversary of the release of the first Karate Kid movie. Included in that show was an interview with Billy Zabka (the diabolical "Johnny Lawrence"), and to this day when people ask me "Who is the most famous person's phone number you have in your iPhone?" I immediately answer "BILLY ZABKA", not because he is the most famous, but it's the number I find to be the coolest. It's the Honus Wagner baseball card of celebrity phone numbers.

Why do I bring my Karate Kid fetish up, in a sports blog post of all places?

Well:

It's Election Day in Houston, and as the city braces itself for the tsunami of indifference that always comes from knowing the one significant race this time around is going to end up in a runoff, we decided to take a look at some of the shadier movie politicians out there; men whose shenanigans far outweigh things like cozying up to the Latino community while adopting a hard-line ant-immigration stance (Roy Morales) or using your wife's money to try to buy an election (Peter Brown).

5. President Bennett (Donald Moffat) -- Clear and Present Danger (1994)
Jack Ryan, the last honest man in Washington, uncovers the connection between Bennett (played by that guy who kind of looks like James Cromwell) and the Colombian cartels. His decision to possibly torpedo his own career by testifying before Congress is only slightly less plausible than that scene where the 52-year-old Harrison Ford beats up a man 20 years his junior before jumping on a helicopter.

​If there's anything nerds like better than making anonymous douchebags of themselves on the Internet, it's arguing. From Kirk vs. Picard (Kirk), to The Enterprise vs. a star destroyer (star destroyer), to Tom Baker vs. David Tennant (Christopher Eccleston) -- the list of contentious topics is endless.

And a frequent subject of debate is the supposed status of Star Wars as the preeminent sci-fi franchise. Some have been quick to declare the revamped Battlestar Galactica as the heir apparent. And while the recently completed series was mostly impressive, with a new show (Caprica) on the way and a DVD movie (The Plan) coming out this week, I think a little more evidence is needed before reaching a final decision. To add some fuel to the fire, here are some reasons I believe BSG to be superior to Star Wars.

5. Nuclear Fission Exists in the BSG Universe
If the Empire had nukes, they wouldn't have had wait for the Death Star to clear the planet Yavin so it could bring its superlaser to bear on the rebel base, and Luke wouldn't have had time to blow it up. There also wouldn't have been any need to use the cool-looking but mind-bogglingly slow AT-ATs to attack the rebels on Hoth, allowing the bulk of the rebel fleet to escape. And it would've spared Dack an agonizing death.

Those who "want to believe" that extraterrestrials have interacted with human beings are doubtless familiar with J. Allen Hynek's three classifications of "close encounters." You're probably also familiar with Jacques Vallee's addition of "the fourth kind" which, according to Vallee, refers to actual abduction by aliens.

Coincidentally, it's also the subject of the new movie The Fourth Kind, and the Houston Press has some advanced screening passes to give away. Win a pair of passes by being among the first 20 people to e-mail hairballscontest@houstonpress.com; put The Fourth Kind in the subject line.

Because our minds tend towards one direction, we got to thinking about the kind of alien we actually wouldn't mind being abducted (and -- one assumes -- probed) by. The following, from classic (and not to classic) sci-fi movies, topped the list.

5. Oola (Femi Taylor) -- Return of the Jedi (1983)
When comparing the relative hotness of the doomed Twi'lek dancer and Slave Leia from the same movie, consider this: Oola was fed to the rancor because she resisted Jabba's slimy advances. Leia (who, admittedly, killed him in the end) showed distaste but was kept alive a lot longer. The conclusion? Leia slept with Jabba, and I don't care how forgiving you are, having a Hutt on your "list" is a deal-breaker. Advantage: Oola.

​Today's your last chance to see Cirque Mechanics' Birdhouse Factory. An international cast of circus stars formerly with Cirque de Soleil, the Moscow Circus and Pickle Family Circus, Cirque Mechanics include contortionists, acrobats, clowns, and dancers.

The Birdhouse Factory story is a simple one. A group of workers trudge away in a factory, victims of the mind-numbing repetition of constructing widgets. Then a bird accidentally flies into the factory and everything changes. Inspired by the bird, workers slowly start to come alive again, approaching their meaningless tasks with a sense of humor, even joy.

The piece takes its cues from Charlie Chaplin's Modern Times, Diego Rivera's Detroit Industry murals and the illustrations of Rube Goldberg. Birdhouse, with its timeless story of rejuvenation, seems as if it could be set early in the Industrial Revolution or somewhere in the near future. 7:30 p.m. Miller Outdoor Theatre, 100 Concert Drive, Hermann Park. For information, call 281-FREE-FUN or visit www.milleroutdoortheatre.com. Free.

The Spotlight on Contemporary Greek Cinema Showcase is winding down, with its last screening on Sunday. Friday Alexis Kardaras's Guinness is showing at 7 p.m., which follows a greedy gambler whose search for a case of gold leads him to a tavern in the middle of nowhere. Instead of his hoped-for treasure, he finds the bar owner's unhappy -- and lonely -- wife.

You know how this goes: some movie comes out about a little kid who's not what he/she seems and every online wag has to throw together a list ranking each child that's given us the willies since The Bad Seed. Problem is, every one of these lists has the same characters: Damien Thorn (The Omen), Regan MacNeil (The Exorcist), any role Dakota Fanning's ever played...not to overreact, but it's an outrage.

We hold ourselves to a higher standard here at Hair Balls. I mean, children are pretty freaky already, so drawing dark circles around their eyes and sticking them on a tricycle under an overcast sky doesn't do a lot for us. Instead, we're going to promote our Orphan DVD contest with a list of five disturbing children whose evil has been unjustly overlooked by the listmaking community.

5. Kevin McCallister (Macaulay Culkin) -- Home Alone (1990)
There's a short story by horror author Jack Ketchum called "The Rifle" about a child with a taste for torturing animals. The idea being that evil can be identified early on, and needs to be dealt with as swiftly as possible. I don't think anyone can argue that young Kevin is a brutal and dangerous sadist who must be stopped at all costs.

​I used to review movies (over here, if you care), an endeavor I had to quit for a variety of reasons: my hectic neurosurgery rotation, for one, as well as the increasing physical demands of the new Mrs. Vonder Haar, Carla Gugino. But among the non-imaginary factors influencing my decision was the way all those movies were starting to blur together. I attended, at most, three screenings a week, so it wasn't oversaturation. Early onset dementia? An attention span whittled to nothing by decades of television and self-medication? Or was it maybe that all the movies looked alike for some reason?

Part of the problem is that so many movies are sequels, remakes, or sequels of remakes, but that wasn't the whole story. I was missing something, and then it hit me. I don't remember what movie I was watching at the time, maybe it was the sixth romantic comedy in as many years starring Sandra Bullock, or Will Ferrell's latest exercise in insensate hollering, or that one movie where Nicolas Cage was in a car chase (no, the other one), but I finally figured it out: Hollywood doesn't have enough actors.

If you're a child of the '80s, you should probably come to terms with the fact that every beloved televison memory of yours is eventually going to be dragged screaming into the present day and bastardized for younger audiences. We've already seen two Transformers movies and a G.I. Joe adaptation, and a slew of other 1980s properties are reportedly in the works, proving that not only is Hollywood creatively bankrupt, they're dumber than ever. Or maybe I'm the only one who shudders at the idea of a Snorks feature film.

Undaunted, Hair Balls is using the occasion of this week's release of the Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen DVD to look at some likely candidates for big-screen revision. And if you find yourself getting bent out of shape, try to remember that most of these were originally created as vehicles for existing toy lines, so it isn't like creative integrity was ever an issue.

Name: Jem and the Holograms
How it Was Pitched to Executives: [Barbie + Marvel Comics' Dazzler] / Rio album cover "artist" Patrick Nagel
The Plot -- In 30 Words or Less: The alter-ego of Starlight Music owner Jerrica Benton, Jem gets into various G-rated hijinx each week while contending with their bitter rivals, the Misfits. No, not those Misfits.
How Could They Possibly Update it For Sophisticated Modern Audiences? Hannah Montana pretty much exhausted the whole "secret singer identity" thing -- without giving Jem credit, I might add. Let Hillary Duff play Jem and just follow her around with a camera as she constantly surprises Miley Cyrus and tries to kick her ass.

​Films are once again being seen at the Alabama Theatre, thanks to Cinema Arts Festival Houston's H BOX by Portuguese architect/artist Dider Fiuza Faustino. A series of looped videos and short films are shown in the portable screening room (constructed from connecting panes of glass and aluminum, the BOX can easily be packed up and moved). The filmmakers and video artists include Argentina's Sebastián Diaz-Morales, Israel's Yael Bartana and Switzerland's Shahryar Nashat. (We'll get back to Nashat.)

From the outside H BOX looks basically like, ah, a box. There's a short ramp leading up to an opening. You walk around a wall into a small room. The wall in front of you makes up the screen; the wall behind you has a padded steel bar that runs right around butt-height, inviting people to sit. Black bean bag chairs strewn around the room providing more seating. Altogether, Hair Balls estimates 15 people could jam into the H BOX at one time to watch a film.

Hair Balls was among the first to visit H BOX and we got to see a bit of Nashat's 2007 video Plaque (Slab). Just under seven minutes, the film starts off inside a factory with a giant slab of concrete being lifted by a crane. Cut to a 1964 television performance of Canadian pianist Glenn Gould playing in front of three standing slabs that look suspiciously like the one we just saw at the factory. Cut to modern-day Berlin, where we see a husky construction worker pouring out concrete into a similar slab form. You get where this is going, right?

​Spike Jonze's live-action version of Maurice Sendak's Where the Wild Things Are led the box office this weekend, grossing over $32 million. Last month, another children's book adaptation, Sony Pictures' version of Judi and Ron Barrett's Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs, scored similar numbers for its first three days.

WTWTA has earned mixed reviews so far, with most critics praising the impressive visuals while also pointing out the issues arising from expanding the sparse narrative into a feature film. Cloudy received better notices, which signifies little except that people are perhaps more forgiving of entertainment aimed at those without real buying power.

Both movies will break the magical $100-million blockbuster mark (Cloudy already has), proving that strip-mining our childhoods for profit remains an easy proposition. What's harder, and therefore less desirable from Hollywood's perspective, is using those same sources to make a movie worth watching. In the unlikely event any filmmaker out there wants to film a children's book adaptation that'll stand the test of time and not just score some quick bank and be forgotten, may I humbly offer the following suggestions:

1. Leave Dr. Seuss Alone -- The late Theodor Geisel is our most beloved children's author, as a quick gander at just about any five-year-old's bookshelves will confirm. His most celebrated books (How the Grinch Stole Christmas!, The Cat in the Hat) were converted quite ably into animated form by the early 1970s, not that this stopped an idea-strapped Tinseltown from going back to the well by making atrocious live-action versions of both (in 2000 and 2003, respectively). Seuss' whimsy and gentle humor are more than satisfying on their own, and require no further embellishment, whether in the form of the Grinch's tormented childhood or Mike Myers' poop jokes.

​The legendary Lloyd Kaufman is the co-founder of Troma Studios, and directed classics such as The Toxic Avenger, Class of Nuke 'Em High, and Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead, which will be screening this weekend at Crypticon Houston. Hair Balls asked the legendary actor, author and Yale graduate about Troma's past, future, and George W. Bush.

Hair Balls: First is the question I have to ask everyone: have you ever spent any time in Houston?
Lloyd Kaufman: Yes, I have been to Houston many times! Rather then go to Rome or Paris, I always prefer Houston. The Alamo beats the Louvre everytime!

HB: Ooookay. It's the 35th anniversary of Troma, and resources available to filmmakers truly allow many more people to "make their own damn movies" these days. But do you think it matters given the stranglehold the major studios still have on distribution?
LK: Troma has a well-known slogan that proudly proclaims us as "MOVIES OF THE FUTURE". Even though the economy is not in the best shape right now, the key to Troma is the love and passion that go into all our films. Since we are low-budget, we can always persevere at times like this, so I don't see why any other young independent filmmakers couldn't succeed. The big problem now for independent film is that the media has been consolidated by conglomerates, and that is why there are fewer independent film studios. Another thing for young democratic filmmakers is that they often forget to write a good script.

It's National Boss Day, because apparently getting more weeks of vacation, a higher salary, and an actual office with privacy isn't enough. You can be forgiven if it slipped your mind. After all, you were probably busy using the phone in your cramped, depressing cubicle to argue semi-publicly with HR about whether you get 100% reimbursement for your carpal tunnel surgery. Seriously, though...is your boss really that bad? Or is he/she just misunderstood, like these oft-maligned movie managerial types?

5. Meredith Johnson (Demi Moore) -- Disclosure (1994)
The movie that dares ask the question: is it really sexual harassment if Demi Moore does it? Besides, what if Tom had actually given in? Meredith would've still charged him with harassment, leaving things to end up almost exactly the same. Well, Tom's marriage would've ended, but he didn't sound too pumped about that trip to Disneyland anyway.

Photo courtesy Crypticon

​Kristy Swanson is best known for her roles in Higher Learning and as the original Buffy the Vampire Slayer (form the 1992 film), and this weekend she'll be in town as a guest of Crypticon Houston, which runs Friday through Sunday at the Reliant Center. Hair Balls sat down with her (in the e-mail sense) to ask her about her career and what the future holds for the first Buffy.

Hair Balls: My first question is usually asking if you've ever been to Houston, but I already know the answer: you filmed The Chase here in 1994. How was the experience?
Kristy Swanson: I had a great time. It is nice to be coming back ; )

HB: You're perhaps most famous to horror fans as the original Buffy. Were you ever aware of any tensions between the producers and Joss Whedon over the direction the film was taking?
KS: I remember Buffy to be a great experience. I thought all the actors did a great job developing their characters and executed them wonderfully. If there were any "problems," I am unaware. Joss was on set everyday and it was great to have him there, he was a tremendous support and fun to hang out with.

​In news that is as shocking as finding out that the sun rose in the east once again, reports have emerged that the new Terence Malick film starring Sean Penn and Brad Pitt -- shot partly in Houston -- won't be released as expected this year.

Malick, of course, is the gifted auteur of Days of Heaven and The Thin Red Line, a director known for shooting a million or so feet of film and then taking his own sweet time assembling it into a movie.

The Tree of Life is his current project, a story about, according to one website, "Brad Pitt as the father of a boy whose lost innocence haunts him as he grows into a man played by Sean Penn."

Malick and Penn spent a week shooting in Houston last June (Despite breathless reporting by the Houston Chronicle, Pitt wasn't in any Houston scenes).

Rick Ferguson of the Houston Film Commission tells us Malick wanted "urban and very high-tech" type of locations.

Photo courtesy Crypticon

​There's no mistaking horror-movie stalwart Michael Berryman. The actor suffers from a rare condition called hypohidrotic ectodermal dysplasia, which is characterized by few or no sweat glands and lack of hair or fingernails. However, Berryman's distinctive appearance has made him one of the more recognizable actors out there.

He'll be at the Reliant Center this weekend as part of Crypticon Houston, and Hair Balls asked him a few e-mail questions about Star Trek and Mötley Crüe, among other things.

Hair Balls: First is the question I have to ask everyone: have you ever spent any time in Houston?
Michael Berryman: I have never been to Houston before.

HB: You were discovered by legendary producer George Pal, who cast you in Doc Savage: The Man of Bronze after he came into your flower store. Had you ever considered acting before then?
MB: George Pal did tell me that I had the face he needed for the role of the 'Coroner'...The rest is history.I was planning on being a nature photographer in Alaska and the Northwest, and I had done some 'folk music' as a singer with a friend who was a great guitarist. But acting was not my plan.

HB: Your second movie was One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, which went on to win five Academy Awards. Was it hard to go from something that critically acclaimed to a movie like The Hills Have Eyes, which was -- to put it mildly -- an unproven commodity?
MB: Well, Cuckoo's Nest was familiar to me as a book and play. It was the best acting school ever! But I thought that was the extent of my acting career. When I met with Wes [Craven, director] and Peter [Locke, producer], I quickly became friends with them and I always enjoyed their enthusiasm for telling a story. We just made Hills real and gritty.

The classics never really go out of style. It was almost 2,000 years ago on this date that Roman Emperor Claudius I was poisoned by his wife Agrippina. Claudius is generally regarded as one of the more competent emperors, proving that the Romans were nothing if not even-handed in their approach to assassination. Like other things popularized by the Romans, poisoning has remained a trendy murder option. Less intimate than strangulation, yet more personal than a handgun, it offers that personal touch without any incriminating "hands-on" action. For those looking for inspiration, Hollywood also offers some fine examples.

5. The poison apple -- Snow White (1937)
I haven't watched this movie since I was a kid, mostly because 45 minutes of that maddeningly chirpy voice makes me want to poison somebody too. The lack of an English language clip presented a bit of an obstacle; luckily the French appear to have about as much respect for Uncle Walt's copyrights as they do for American statutory rape laws.

​The fledgling Cinema Arts Festival Houston has bagged a big name for the event: Tilda Swinton. (If Tilda Swinton isn't a big-enough name for you, you're probably not the type of movie fan who would appreciate the Cinema Arts Festival Houston.)

Swinton, who's starred in Orlando and won an Oscar for Michael Clayton, will make several appearances in town in conjunction with the festival.

"Tilda Swinton's commitment to working with innovative artists, from Derek Jarman
to Lynn Hershman, and to building audiences for challenging cinematic art, has inspired
us in launching our Festival," said Richard Herskowitz, Cinema Arts Festival Houston
curator.

Here's what's on tap:

It was 91 years ago that Sgt. Alvin York, a corporal in the U.S. 328th Infantry Regiment, single-handedly killed 28 German soldiers during a battle in France, forcing the surrender of 132 more. His actions earned him the Congressional Medal of Honor and rendered all subsequent cinematic displays of gunplay superfluous. Not that I'm above marking the occasion with some examples of superlative firearm skill, anyway.

5. Pvt. Daniel Jackson (Barry Pepper) -- Saving Private Ryan (1998)
Ordinarily a dead-eyed redneck who quotes Scripture and also happens to be a crack shot from a bell tower would cause...consternation among political types. This is war, though, where such seemingly disparate traits are actually desirable.

On this date in 1871, the Great Chicago Fire began. It burned for three days, destroying four square miles of the city. Originally blamed on Mrs. O'Leary's cow, later reports revealed the blaze resulted from celebrations following the Cubs' last World Series win. NL Central jokes aside, we thought it would be a perfect opportunity to commemorate Chicago's almost total destruction with a list showcasing some of cinema's greatest conflagrations, which -- given the oppressive heat and the still on-the-loose Heights arsonist -- seemed like a great idea.

5. Firestorm (1998)
In another dimension, Howie Long is known not for his role co-hosting Fox NFL Sunday, but for his string of successful action movies, which have catapulted him into prominence alongside Schwarzenegger, Stallone, Willis, and Gibson. Unfortunately for Long, in our dimension the `80s ended eight years before the release of this stinkbomb.

It's October, so let's stay on the scary-movie theme and talk about another horror flick coming out this month: Paranormal Activity.

Shot entirely with hand-held camera (in the style of recent flicks like Cloverfield and [REC]), it's the story of a San Diego couple who have been experiencing some strange occurrences in their home: doors open and shut, water turns on by itself, and strange whispering and creaking can be heard at night. The man buys an elaborate video rig to capture the goings-on, never considering that such a move might actually antagonize whatever it is that's going 'bump' in the night.

It's a decent-enough little flick, and genuinely scary in some parts. Is it "the scariest movie of the decade" or even "of all time" as some critics are reporting? Eh...probably not. Its effectiveness is bolstered by the fact that everyone involved is essentially making what is their first movie (Texan Katie Featherston, who plays...Katie...was previously in the straight-to-DVD Mutation) and the $14,000 budget, which means they really have to wring a lot of anxiety out of baby powder and a swinging chandelier.

But comparisons to the giants of the genre are probably a little premature. Paranormal Activity has a great hype machine behind it (courtesy of Paramount, who picked up the distribution rights at Sundance), including a "demand ticker," where you can add your email address to the thousands who are trying to earn the film a wide release.

But the movies frequently cited as the most frightening of all time, like The Exorcist, Don't Look Now, or Alien, all have something more: a staying power. The dread lingers well after you leave the theater because it strikes a deeper chord than just making you jump when the drowned guy pops out of the water and grabs the girl in the canoe (spoiler for Friday the 13th). Paranormal Activity has some serious scares, and is better than it has any right to be, but you won't lose any sleep over it.

​Drag Me To Hell got some of the most stunning reviews of the year. Check out Metacritic's page: The Los Angeles Times said the movie "does everything we want a horror film to do: It is fearsomely scary, wickedly funny and diabolically gross." Entertainment Weekly said director Sam Raimi "has made the most crazy, fun, and terrifying horror movie in years."

So why haven't I heard of it?

Probably because I'm not a big horror fan. Or, as it turns out, a big Sam Raimi fan. I just checked his IMDB page and learned that I have seen exactly one of his movies -- the first Spider-Man. (I might have taken my kid to see the second one, but if I did it's been erased from memory.)

I know this is my fault, not Raimi's. So, since we have three DVDs of Drag Me To Hell to give away, tell me why I should watch it or any Sam Raimi movie. Best responses -- in the comments or to hairballscontest@houstonpress.com -- get the prize.

Points for creativity, passion, logic, etc. Judging will be supremely subjective and not open to appeal.

Our sister blog Unfair Park has taken note of an upcoming film festival in Dallas featuring movies that were shot there.

Among them: A 1978 epic called The Seniors, starring Dennis Quaid, the pride of Bellaire High and UH.

Check out this clip, which is awesome in its `70s craptacularness: The hairstyles, of course, but so much more.

Quaid tries out a W.C. Fields impression, for no immediately discernible reason, on a woman who looks exactly like Chinatown-era Faye Dunaway, but we're pretty sure is not.

And whatever is up with the last bit, from the woman saying she'd never waited on line this long to get laid, well, we just don't know.

But enjoy!!!

​Zombieland topped the box office last weekend with $25 million, a respectable haul for a relatively low-budget horror-comedy whose biggest star (Woody Harrelson) hasn't top-lined a movie in over ten years. By comparison, the first installment in the Twilight series opened a year ago to the tune of $69 million.

It would go on to gross almost $200 million domestically, a total Zombieland won't come within brain-eating distance of. I point this out in order to draw attention to the disparity in the current popularity of bloodsuckers and brain/flesh-eaters, and to explain why this is actually a desirable state of undead affairs.

Vampires have a much richer history, it's true. Ancient cultures like Persia and Rome all have some version of bloodsucking spirit, but the vampire in its current incarnation really became popular in Eastern and Central Europe during the 18th and 19th centuries.

Zombies, by comparison, didn't start showing up on our radar until the mid-1800s. But they were from the Caribbean, which makes them much more hip.

As far as movies and TV shows go, there's really no contest there either. Since 1922's Nosferatu, there have been nearly a thousand vampire movies (over 170 of these dedicated to Dracula alone). Sure, there are lots of zombie flicks as well, but the vast majority of these were released post-NotLD (1968's Night of the Living Dead).

Even so, the two were able to coexist in relative peace for twenty years or so. Zombies and vampires were kindred spirits, if you will, because both were monsters. Vampires were generally a little more savvy in the couture department (e.g. Blacula), and could mask their murderous intentions with good manners and a sexy accent, but -- as with their putrefying counterparts -- they left humans with but one option: swift and brutal extermination.

And then, in the late 70s, that all changed, and as with most other bad things in my life, I blame Anne Rice.

​Paranormal Activity is this century's Blair Witch Project -- a horror movie whose budget couldn't even afford shoestrings, a horror movie with no stars to speak of, but one that is winning great reviews.

Why is this important to you? Because you can see it before it becomes a cult hit. Remember how the cops had to be called out to the River Oaks Theater because people were trying to storm their way into BWP? (BWP 2, not so much.)

Get ahead of the curve -- be among the first 20 people to hit us with an e-mail at hairballscontest@houstonpress.com and you can win a pass for two to the October 7 screening.

Who knows if Paranormal Activity will be the great career-launcher that BWP was? You have to be there to find out.

But then again, let's take a look at just how big a career-launcher BWP was.

​Michael Moore's new movie, Capitalism: A Love Story, expectedly serves up a quick and dirty glimpse at the consequences of unfettered corporate corruption and exploitation. But the most disturbing story of corporate greed in the film, unfortunately, comes right from our own backyard.

Houston widow Irma Johnson makes her silver-screen debut when Moore interviews her about a "dead peasant" insurance policy Amegy Bank took out on her husband while he was an employee.

As Hair Balls explained in June, Johnson only found out about the policy because a check was accidentally forwarded to her instead of the bank after his death.

We followed up with Johnson's attorney, Mike Myers, of McClanahan Myers Espey, to see if Moore's film portrayed an accurate picture of the case. "It's accurate but it didn't go into much detail about how outrageous it is that the policies were purchased after Amegy found out [Johnson] had brain cancer," he said.

According to Myers, Moore left out the fact that Amegy purchased two "dead peasant" insurance policies in 2001, totaling more than $4 million, after Johnson had already undergone two brain surgeries and was undergoing chemotherapy. And that's not the worst.

Photo by Katharine Shilcutt

​The Alabama Bookstop isn't even cold in its grave yet and it's getting ready for a reincarnation. And it's a reincarnation back to its movie-house roots.

The Houston Cinema Arts Society is putting together its first film festival, and as part of it there will be....well, something that sounds very arty and modern, but it's movie-related and it's going into the Alabama space.

We'll let them describe it:

Part art gallery, part cinema, a state-of-the-art device called H BOX featuring video and short films by 10 artists, arrives Wednesday, October 21, 2009 as part of the Houston Cinema Arts Society's 2009 Cinema Arts Festival Houston.

The Festival, a vibrant multimedia arts event breaking out of the confines of the movie theater through live music and film performances, outdoor projections, interactive video installations and more, is set for November 11-15 at cultural locales throughout Houston.

H BOX, the portable screening room designed by Portuguese artist/architect Dider Fiuza Faustino and sponsored by the Hermès Foundation, will be stationed at the historic Alabama Theatre through the close of the Festival on November 15.

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We've just gotten a new load of passes to the preview screening of Zombieland, a movie about, we guess, a strange land full of zombies. E-mail hairballscontest@houstonpress.com to claim one.

And when you come October 1, come heavy, as they say in the Sopranos. Except in this case it means come as a zombie.

There will be a "Zombie Walk" before the screening at the Marq-E Theater. Meet at the Dave & Buster's at the mall at 6:45 p.m. in your best zombie outfit and then....walk. Make zombie sounds. Eat the living. Be the best undead you can be. See a movie for free.